APPRECIATION
Go Gentle Into That Good NightAUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND 01 January 2010 |
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In the last dying hours of 2009, I forgave it.
I held its hand and whispered goodbye. I didn’t shed tears over its passing, but in its last moments, I came to view it with some affection and I thanked it for the gifts it gave me.
As the clock ticked over and chimed in a new decade, I opened up all my doors and windows and let 2009 take its leave.
I kept the door open for 2010, and in she swept. But not before I had taken precautions.
It would be fair to say I am somewhat superstitious. I don’t cross my knives when I eat, or hand them to others. I will walk a block to avoid a ladder, I touch wood when I tempt fate, I feel anxious if my first glimpse of a full moon is through glass.
I spit at magpies, lick my palm at horses, toss salt when spilled and never whistle in dressing rooms.
The New Year has to be treated seriously. One wrong step and the whole year could be in jeopardy.
The first of January 2009 dawned unseasonably cold. There was a slight frost on the ground and a chill between my boyfriend and I. We were to drive six hours from Melbourne to a town on the border of New South Wales called Mildura. There’s not much that happens in Mildura. Even the name sounds dreary.
I was determined to be in good spirits. And I was. But four hours of driving in near silence was enough to bring me to tears. Photos were snapped that couldn’t disguise the huge distance between us. I pointed out sights with no discernable interest from my passenger. I talked for the both of us in a steady stream of nonsense. Playing tour guide, driver and clown by turns.
It was a relief when we arrived in Mildura, until I realised the shops were shut and the restaurants were not enticing. Only then did I give up on being cheerful and surrendered to the gloom.
Turns out, the first day of 2009 was just a big neon arrow pointing out to me how the rest of my year in love was going to run.
Needless to say, our ten-year relationship didn’t see out the last year of the decade.
But I don’t need to be told things twice. This New Year was going to be different. This time there would be no tears. No arguments. No disappointments.
I took no chances. I started by cleaning my house. Tradition says that no dishes should be washed or laundry done on the first day of the year. I paid my bills. Settled scores. Lightened my heart in preparation for letting go.
I’d lost my tall dark-haired boyfriend, which was a problem in many ways, least of all the fact that he had always been the ‘first footer.’
First footing is an old tradition in which the first person to enter a house on New Year’s Day should be a tall, dark and preferably handsome man. This is a problem when you live alone, as you should not leave your house until something good enters it.
I had no man, so I made a box.
I filled it up with things symbolising what I wished from the New Year. A piece of fruit to signify good health. Some money. A piece of bread. Some neatly-written wishes. A lottery ticket.
I then punched a hole in the box and tied a silver ribbon through it and placed it outside the cat door with the ribbon hanging inside the flap so I would be able to pull the box through on the stroke of midnight thus ensuring good things came in, before anything went out. I was pleased.
But I still had no first footer. All the tall, dark and handsome men I knew lived hours away and I wasn’t keen on inviting a stranger in.
Lucky for me, I had Simon Smithson on speed dial. I asked him to call me at one minute past twelve (after I had pulled in my box) and made him talk on the cellphone as I carried him across my threshold. Maybe it was cheating, but he did a great job in his twenty-first century version of first footer. I was pleased.
The next step in welcoming the New Year was to wake half an hour before dawn and gather some leaves from my garden. I then wrote my wishes for the coming year on the leaves in ballpoint pen. Nothing too extravagant or selfish, just wishes that were attainable. I drove to a nearby beach and walked in the dim light down to the shoreline. It was peaceful and the waves were soft and gentle in their lapping. I tossed each leaf into the water and spoke the wish out loud as I did so. I watched the green leaves as they made their way out of the bay and into the wide open sea.
The sun rose pink and bathed me in its light, just as the blue moon had done as it rose upon me the evening before. I was pleased.
I spoke to my loved ones on the phone. I lunched with my mother. I hugged my dog. Even my bad tempered cat purred at me.
There have been no tears. There has been no frost. The sun has thawed me and I have taken comfort in its warmth.
I forgive you 2009. While I bemoaned you, I acknowledge you did give at the same time as you took. Your passing was gentle and I am grateful for that.
Happy New Year.
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you lick your palms at horses????
Yeah, I’ve never heard that one before… I do, however, like the first footing thing. About two years ago I had a growth spurt and since then I’ve been able to do my own first footing (of course, I’m dark-hair’d and outrageously handsome (and modest)). Wait… two years? That’s when I moved to Asia… Damn! It wasn’t a growth spurt after all!
Last year I spent New Year in China. I was peeing when the bells rang because I was too drunk to remember. But the next day I went to the Great Wall, stole a brick and smuggled it back to Korea. I think it brought me luck, because it wasn’t a bad year, all things considered.
So I sincerely hope you have a good year, and that when you look back upon 2009 you focus on the good parts. Like I said to Simon, I’m good at looking back fondly, but not so great at seeing the present like that. It’s easy to look back and appreciate the good stuff. Hindsight is awesome. But make sure you enjoy as much of 2010 as you can. I’m sure you will.
And hey, I’ll be living on your continent by this time next year!
Fantastic, David! You’re going to love Australia. You will be in heavy demand as a first footer.
Being Scottish, you must have lots of superstitions don’t you?
And I can’t believe you stole a brick from the Great Wall! Outrageous! Just make sure you don’t steal any of Uluru (Ayers Rock) when you move Down Under, because apparently that definitely brings bad luck. Every year the caretakers of the rock get hundreds of envelopes filled with little bits of rock that tourists have taken and then sent back because of bad luck.
And thank you for your kind wishes – I wish you the same. I think 2010 is going to be a lot nicer for many people than 2009 was. Happy New Year!
Zara, I actually have pretty much no superstitions. I used to have a few as a kid, but as I’ve grown older I’ve pretty much come to appreciate cause and effect – both seen and unseen, ie karma. I like to think that I bring everything on myself through actions or intentions.
I only stole from the Great Wall of China because the Chinese government is so evil and it was one big FUCK YOU to them. If they’d caught me smuggling it out I’d be writing this from a labour camp…
I can’t believe people send rocks back to Ayers Rock. That’s really funny.
I’ve never stolen a piece of the Great Wall, but I had to interview the former President of China, Jiang Zemin, once and I deliberately wore my holographic Dalai Lama pendant. The security guys didn’t see it, but the Pres certainly did and he didn’t look happy about it.
And the Uluru thing is true! Apparently they get hundreds of little rock fragments sent back!
That is one of the coolest things I’ve ever heard. You are now my hero, Zara! Wow, awesome!
Ha! I did get a kick out of it! Beats me where I managed to get a holographic pendant of the Dalai Lama from though…
Dear David S. Wills
Wow. A brick from the Great Wall! I have a little piece of rock where Gen. Armistead fell leading Pickett’s Charge at Gettysburg. Why did they call it Pickett’s Charge if this other general got killed leading it? And my friend brought me a table spoon of sand from the Great Pyramid. But a brick? Wow. And another friend got me some grape leaves from the Acropolis, but a brick? You are right up there with some of history’s great art thieves and you have made me feel so inadequate with my puny historical treasures. I went to Washington, D. C. a long time ago. Only thing I brought back from there was disillusionment. Hey, maybe we could team up. I hear they have some great bricks at a place called Fort Knox.
Well, I kind of lick my finger and then cross my palm, but it really amounts to the same thing! Oh, and only white horses.. I forgot to mention that.
Happy New Year, Ben.
oh, well, white horses, yeah… i thought you meant all of them…
“We used to ‘stamp’ for white horses and mules by licking the right thumb, pressing it into the palm of the left hand, and smacking that palm with the right fist–once for a horse and four times for a white mule. When you had stamped 100 times you got your wish as soon as you saw a red-headed woman.” –Nature Bulletin No. 627, Forest Preserve District of Cook County, Feb. 4, 1961
Wow. That puts my simple crossing on my palm to shame. How involved is that ritual?! and how would you keep count?
I love the “you got your wish as soon as you saw a red-headed woman.” Where do these things come from, I wonder??
I don’t think a tall, dark, handsome dude has ever walked through our door. Hmm.
I think there’s something to be said for the fact that New Zealand is the first place to greet the New Year. And I also think 2010 is going to rock. June especially.
Happy New Year!
G
PS
I hope it’s OK to do laundry, because that’s pretty much what I’ve planned for today…
You’re not supposed to do the laundry at all! You are supposed to sit back, relax and do a bit of everything you want to have in abundance for 2010!
Happy New Year to you and your wonderful family. Can’t wait to be first footing it through your door in June!
Pleased I could do my bit to help out, Z. Anything to bring about the wonders of 2010!
You were great. A stellar first footing performance.
Here’s to 2010! May it continue to be gentle on us.
This was so lovely, Z.
I’m so glad I did my dishes yesterday! I had no idea, and if I did, I declare every day New Year’s Day!
I love how you cleverly solved all your little problems and only wish I had known about them sooner so I could have copied!
(Although truth be told, I’m not terribly superstitious, except when I want to be. And with salt. Always with the salt.)
Happy Twentyten!!
Happy New Year, Kimberly! I’m glad you did your dishes, that’s a good omen for 2010 for you!
But really? You’re not superstitious? The salt is a funny one though, nearly everyone is superstitious about that.
I still haven’t decided about black cats. Some people think they’re bad luck, but I have always thought they’re good luck. I’m sticking with that.
Nope – not superstitious in the least, unless, of course, it’s convenient.
For example, I’m thinking of calling a feller to cross my threshold to better my luck in 2010 before I have to go out and run the never-ending acquisition of cat food and litter, for my black cat Norman, whom I adore and am lucky to have in my life.
A ridiculous juxtaposition if I’ve ever heard one.
I wonder… He’s male, extremely handsome and a bit long-ish; tall for a cat, one might say. If I place him outside my door and have him enter before I leave, does that count?
I think that will count just fine. A tall black and handsome cat is perfect for first footing. Plus he’s got four feet, so surely that must bring even better luck..!
It’s a shame JC doesn’t live next door to you. He’d make a great first footer. xx
Brilliant!!!!
I know exactly what to put outside my door now before I leave (thanks to a very special gift from the NZ fairy…)
Ah, the power of forgiveness. It’s so easy to hold a grudge; better to just move on. Such a gentle way to ring in the new year, with wish leaves on the water. Gorgeous, Zara. (Genius use of Simon, too.)
Our first footer was our 12-going-on-16-year-old daughter coming home after a sleepover (when sleep came around 4am) with her two best friends, and then Mimosas (for me and Sue), lazy brunch, coffee, NYTimes, and lots of laundry, which is okay with me as I’m not superstitious, just obsessive-compulsive.
Happy New Year, Jim!
Yes, the power of forgiveness is remarkably free-ing.
I think your first footer sounds wonderful! If she was in NZ, I’d hire her services! And your New Year’s Day sounds fantastic. I wish you every happiness for twentyten.
First footer? Why didn’t you tell me this earlier. I would’ve tied a ribbon to a handsome man wrapped in duct tape and pulled him through the door just after midnight!
I love traditions and superstition. They link us to history of people and place, and whether silly or sincere offer a feeling of significance to life as we live it.
Happy New Year, Zara!!!
I’m eating collard greens for financial success and black-eyed peas for good luck. I already tossed a bucket of old water out the back door to do away with the troubles of the past. Now, I’m going to buy some duct tape so I can start next year off with a nice first footer
And a big Happy New Year and birthday to you!!
I heard that about black-eyed peas. We don’t have them here, so I ate a strawberry instead. I do know whether it will bring prosperity, but it tasted good.
Loving your duct tape idea by the way…
Thanks for the birthday wishes, Z. Didn’t realize you were celebrating my b-day all these years, did ya?
Email me your address. I’ll mail you some black-eyed peas. It’s the least I can do after the good excuse for lassoing a handsome man and dragging through my front door :::heehee:::
You’re on! xx
I had no man, so I made a box.
What a surreal and wonderful sentence.
I am superstitiously unsuperstitious.
I will carry black cats under ladders
on Friday the 13th.
Can it really be 2010?
It really is.
And I’m wishing you and your lovely wife, the very best for the new decade, 11.
Is it bad luck talking about superstitions? Is that like un-knocking on wood? Anyway, the way to overcome 2009 is to move to LA, where the winters are gentle, and the air pollution beautiful! Happy New year, Zara!
No, superstitions are there to be talked about and shared!
Nice thinking on the LA front, Stefan. I’ll be there in June, so I hope there’s lots of sun and not too much pollution!
Happy New Year to you and Sanaz!
First footer, eh? I’m tall, dark, and reasonably handsome….maybe this December I’ll skip on down to New Zealand and offer my services as a First Footer For Rent….I bet I could really clean up!
2010 and I got off to a great start ast night, though she snuck off before I woke up this morning. However, she did “accidentally” leave her sweater on my couch. And it’s not like I don’t have her number.
You could start a business! That’s a great idea – ‘First Footer For Hire.’
I’m glad to hear that 2010 is being kind to you. Gentle does it, Matt…
Based on my state New Year’s Day, 2010 likes it not so gentle, albeit in a really, really fun way.
I don’t want to be superstitious. I inherited it.
e.g. Don’t sing at the table, it’s bad luck.
Spill the salt, throw a pinch over your left shoulder.
When you walk with someone and something divides you, e.g. a pole or a fire hydrant, you MUST say “bread and butter” in your head.
If an eyelash falls out, put it on your palm and make a wish and blow it away.
You cannot walk under a ladder.
I forget. There are many more, but all learned behavior from my mother.
The worst is the magical thinking.
Magical thinking can paralyze you.
Magical thinking has often paralyzed me.
Magical thinking is so hard to shake, I agree.
When I’m with you in June, we can swap superstitions, and I promise I won’t sing at the table!
Happy New Year, Irene xx
I don’t actually stop people from singing at the table. I simply tell them that they are courting bad luck doing so.
Yeah. Magical thinking is the worst.
Re: Simon the phone. What a totally creative and brilliant way to keep the tradition. I hope 2010 gives you everything you want–and more that you’ll be ecstatic to have. Happy New Year!!!
Happy New Year to you lovely Ronlyn!
Thank God, for cellphones!
x
2010 will be great for you. I can feel it.
And for you, too.
I hope it is. It’s already shaping up to be much nicer than last year.
Happy New Year to you and your lovely wife, Brin. x
I, too, would love to be a first-footer for hire. I imagine business slows down substantially the rest of the year though. I’m not huge on superstition myself, though I totally get people that are. There’s a joke in here somewhere about eating a black eyed pea and Fergie’s security, but I don’t have the time to put it together right now
Nicely said, Zara. Happy New Year to you. May 2010 be kind to all of us.
Yeah, it’s kind of a one night only deal. But you know, there’s a few other New Year’s throughout the year – the Chinese New Year; Maori New Year -I’m sure if we investigated a bit we could come up with a whole lot of different New Year dates. It could be very profitable!
Happy New Year to you too, Slade. I certainly hope 2010 is a good one for you.
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Hmmm, what you do on new year’s is what you want for the year? Oops, I spent most of the day cooking blackeyed peas and stewed pears for ungrateful toddlers. Well, the walk on the beach with my half of the toddler duo & the snuggling with picture books in front of the fire was really nice. Could do with a year of that!
Well, I just found out from Josie above that black-eyed peas bring prosperity, so that is good!
Your New Year’s Day sounds just lovely. Beach walks, fires and snuggling – perfect!
Zara, you are such a romantic! I love it. It sounds like you have regained your footing after all you experienced in 2009. You seem to be so in touch with yourself. It’s really endearing. That box idea was briliant.
That’s the second time I’ve been called romantic in as many days!! That’s funny, because I never think of myself as being romantic at all. But maybe I am – I’m going to have to rethink my whole image now!
Thank you for all your support throughout 2009, it was a shit of a year but I think you’re right, I have regained my footing and I feel a lot steadier already.
Happy New Year to you, Mary. I hope it’s a blessed one! x
I’ve just noticed that you now have two posts in the ‘Most Read’ section, and I cannot recall that having ever happened. That makes you the Guns ‘n’ Roses of The Nervous Breakdown.
Oh no!! I don’t want to be Guns ‘n’ Roses! That Axl Rose makes me feel creepy.
Er, Led Zeppelin once had six albums in the charts at the same time, so if you want to be them, you better start writing…
Fuck.
Maybe I’ll stick with G’n'R after all.
Last night I stood by a bonfire in a circle of friends and was asked to write on a slip of paper something I wished for twenty-ten. The plan was that we would all throw our paper in at the same time and wait for our wishes to turn to ash and go out into the universe to someday return to each of us. Yet there I was a writer with apparently nothing to write. I was stumped while other people scribbled on papers curled like conch shells in their gloved hands. At the last minute I scribbled a few hasty words and watched as my paper was the only one to catch on a twig by the wind and not catch a lick of fire. The edges turned a lovely mocha, but no flame. It seemed I had been granted my wish: a re-write. And I think, lovely Zara, so have you. What a wonderful way to start your new year…..
Oh, look at your lovely writing in this comment! I love this. What a fantastic thing to happen. I wish you nothing but the most wonderful year, Robin – may it be filled with amazing and happy moments that you can then write about and share with us. x
That’s hilarious, Robin. I’m so re-write-obsessed I wish for them after I’ve mailed greeting cards.
I like to wait at least 36 hours before reading people’s posts and wishing them a happy new year.
Happy New Year!
Personally, something feels different about 2010. Something I can’t quite place— a feeling something monumental is going to happen this year…
As usual, I did nothing to ring in the new year…
And a very Happy New Year to you, too!
I hope it something monumentally wonderful happens for you in 2010, Jim.
Funny, I never lick my palms at horses. I just cut straight to the chase, and lick the horses. And magpies are usually the ones that spit at me. Happy New Year, Zara.
Rich, I worry about your tongue. Licking horses must be like licking hairy sandpaper…
A big and joyous Happy New Year to you! X
You had no man so you made a box. So great! Happy new year, happy new decade, happy new stuff coming your way.
And Happy New Year to you! Thanks for being a bright spot in my 2009! x
I never imagined you to be superstitious. Doesn’t it seem like unnecessary stress? I was superstitious as a teenager after growing up hearing about ladders and black cats and cemeteries and all the myriad other ways everyday life can curse us, but I got over it pretty quick once I’d deliberately walked under a few ladders and hugged a few passing black kitties.
I will NEVER waste my precious Maldon sea salt!!!
Superstitions sound to me like curses we place on ourselves. I spit at them instead.
xx
Oh yeah, Maldon salt is bloody bonza mate.
Being superstitious IS stressful! I know I should leave them behind, but I would feel like that was encouraging bad luck!
I will make a new year’s resolution to try and not be sooo superstitious! (Oh and to give up smoking!)
xxxxx
Happy New Year Zara!
Wish I’d known about the ‘First Footer’ tradition. I, too, live on my own and most of my tall, dark and handsome friends, well, I don’t have many of them. (Note to self: Make friends with as many tall, dark and handsome men as possible in 2010) It would’ve proved fruitless anyway, since I was at Bronkhorstspruit Dam for the weekend.
As for superstitions, I’m a sucker for them. The other night there was an ominous storm that kinda freaked me out. It was creepy, like the ones you see in horror movies. So I laced my windows and thresholds with course, sea salt. Then again, I may have watched too many episodes of Supernatural…
When I see an ambulance I “touch my head and touch my toes and hope I never go in one of those.”
Zara, may the year ahead be extra kind to you in all that you hope and dream for.
And a big Happy New Year to you, lovely Simone.
I didn’t know about lacing the windows and doors with salt! Is that to keep bad things out??
The ambulance is a funny one, I don’t touch my head or toes, but I do have to touch something white if I see one!! God, isn’t it silly!
May 2010 bring you lots of wonder and love, dear girl xx
I’ve always been a “cup half full” sort of girl but 2009 pushed me a little towards the “half empty.” I am impressed that – despite everything – you have managed to view 2009 with some affection. I think I can learn something from you
Happy New Year! I wish you all the happiness you deserve (rather a lot)! x
Happy happy New Year, Margot – I hope the new decade is a stunning one for you.
I’m sorry to hear that 2009 wasn’t such a winner for you, it seems like it was a shitty one for many people. I have to say that it was sometimes difficult to see 2009 with much affection, but while it was pretty awful in parts, it also gave me friends such as you and the support and encouragement and kind, kind words that you offered through the year, really helped. So I thank you. Thank you so much for being one of the good things in the year! I wish you lots of happiness and love in 2010. xx
Ah, angel, I’m sure you can manifest all that you desire.
I count it as one of the few dividends of 2009 that I came to know you. You’ve had a great impact on my life already.
And 2010? Yes, I somehow believe more and more that it’s going to be a good year.
XXXXX
D.
Oh D,
Thanks for believing in me. You know that I too, count myself incredibly fortunate that I came to know you in 2009. As I have said dozens of times before, the TNB family has really seen me through some tough times and I am humbled to keep such company.
Yes! 2010, it’s going to be much better. I am glad you are feeling it!
xxx
Z.
After reading this on New Year’s Day, Greg and I realized
that we were totally screwed – we had already done laundry
and the only tall, dark and handsome man that we know
around here was busy with his four kids that day.
We had to settle for short, black and white handsome cat.
I never knew about all of these rules!
But I have to say, in general, I’m not superstitious but I do believe in ritual
and intention. And that there’s power in groups. I know you’ve got a whole group
of people who want nothing less than the best for you – that alone makes for
a pretty great 2010. And my 2010 is going to be great because I get to meet
you finally – wuhoooo!
xxoox your friend and fan, Steph
Awww Steph!
You are the best. You make me feel so good and strong and positive. I thank you so much for all your words and your friendship over 2009, you are an absolute star in my sky.
Don’t worry about the laundry – I always thought that was a dumb idea anyway. And as for the first footing cat – Brilliant. Next time though, may I suggest you enlist the services of one Simon Smithson from melbourne, Australia. He’s pretty good and his rates were fantastically cheap. Free, actually!
Roll on June!!!! Can’t wait!
xxxxxxxxx
Ohhh — this is so great. I love it. Rituals are really important and I don’t think I have any. I have habits. Maybe they can become rituals. Anyway, I love this. It’s very warm and empowering and I feel the positivity that surely surrounds you coming through in your words. 2010 is going to be great. I really think so. It’s a pretty number, it’s plump, generous-seeming. Let’s keep our eyes open and see all the wonder. xo
P.S. Your cell phone call with Simon was terrifically inspired. That’s what I call ingenuity!
Aw thanks Rachel! Habits can definitely become rituals – just dress them up a bit!
But yes, here’s to 2010, may it be a wonderful and inspiring and joyous year for you xx
My sentiments exactly.
2010.
Already looking sunnier.