SPORTS
Take Your Swiss Ball and Shove it up Your AssAUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND 21 October 2009 |
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I am thirty-seven years old.
I am having a mid-life crisis.
I have joined a gym.
This might not seem like a traditional sort of breakdown, but for me it’s on a par with shaving my head and running away to join the Moonies.
In fact, joining some freakish cult would be much more in keeping with my character.
Not only have I joined a gym, I have enlisted the services of a personal trainer. This fact alone has my friends muttering about an intervention.
I hate gyms. In fact, I hate exercise of any kind. That includes all sports, balls, sneakers, water bottles and Lycra.
I have always said I would rather bite off my own toe than be seen on a cross trainer.
And yet, for some unfathomable reason, I have joined a gym.
My first session was a nightmare. My trainer patiently explained what the machines were and why they were important.
“This is a treadmill. You can see your heart rate here. I want your heart rate up to 120 beats a minute.”
This made no sense to me. Why would I want my heart to beat twice its normal speed? I’ve done a first aid course and I know that this is traditionally a warning sign of an impending heart attack.
‘Because it’s good for you.”
That wasn’t good enough for me. I wanted to know whether the machine would dissolve the fat on my legs and prime up my muscles to marathon condition. The trainer looked at me as if I was retarded.
‘No. It’s good for heart health.”
So is drinking non-fat milk. And I could do that at home.
She then made me step onto the treadmill and start walking. She forced me to speed walk on it for fifteen whole minutes. I complained the whole time, so she sped it up saying that if I had enough breath to moan, then I wasn’t working hard enough.
But I showed her.
I hoisted myself up on the armrests and lifted my legs so they weren’t actually touching the conveyor belt. I pretend walked with my legs in the air, silently congratulating myself on my smart-ass-ery.
That is, until I went to put my feet back on the rubber and tripped over my own shoelace, which caused me to fall off.
My trainer sighed and clucked her tongue as she reached down and hauled me to my feet. She gave me a sideways look as I gulped down my water but I knew she was on my side. I was pretty certain she hated the gym as much as I did. I mean, surely no one actually enjoys this?
She pulled out a large round plastic thing called a Swiss Ball. I was immediately suspicious. Everyone knows the Swiss are sneaky bastards who are only good for secret bank accounts, clocks and chocolate. What would they know about exercise?
Nothing as it turns out. The Swiss ball is a big ball of shit. It does nothing at all except sit there while you clamber over it like some unhinged baby taking its first steps. The ball kept rolling away from me and in the end, out of sheer frustration – I kicked it. After all, that’s what balls are for, right?
Um. No. Apparently not.
After I’d been told off for being a nuisance, my trainer started me on the weights.
“Will this give me muscles?” I asked her.
“Eventually,” she replied. I knew that when she rolled her eyes like that, it was her way of telling me that I was her favourite client.
I moaned about the 4kg dumbbell she put in my hands.
‘It’s too heavy.”
I have always found that whining when you don’t like something is a particularly effective way of making that something stop.
Not this time. She exchanged the weight for a heavier one.
“But what if I drop it on my face?”
This was a real concern.
“Then you’ll get a nasty bruise,” she said.
I was a little hurt by this, but I covered it up by complaining.
“I hate this exercise. Can’t we do something else?”
By now, she was ignoring me, and simply counting as I heaved the stupid metal weight above my head.
“Can I stop now? I find this boring.”
My trainer stopped counting and looked me firm in the eyes.
“What are you here for?”
I had to think about this for a moment.
Was it just because everyone else went to the gym and I hate feeling like I’m missing out?
Was it that I loved listening to commercial radio stations at a loud volume while inhaling the sweat of strangers?
In truth, it was because I was worried about getting old. I was worried about getting fat. I had to face facts. I couldn’t eat fried chicken and hamburgers every night anymore without feeling and seeing the effects. My body had always been like a best friend to me, but recently I was getting the feeling that we weren’t quite as close as we had been.
I had taken my body for granted and now it was getting me back. I knew I needed to put some effort into making it my friend again, and taking it out the movies every so often just wasn’t going to cut it anymore.
“I want to get fit,” I said, almost ashamed.
That’s when she smiled at me and handed me another weight.
“But I’m not buying any dumb sneakers.”
And I’m not giving up smoking.
Or complaining.
And the toe thing still holds. I’ll happily self-cannibalize if she even mentions the cross trainer.
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2 Responses to Take Your Swiss Ball and Shove it up Your Ass
Comment by Simone
2009-10-21 22:18:20
Zara, you crack me up! My co-worker gave me an evil, sideward glance when I loudly laughed about the “Then you’ll get a nasty bruise” reply. And again, when I read about the Swiss ball of shit. Bloody marvellous!
If you’re not kitted out in the lycra and sneakers, then what are you wearing? Surely not a bikini and flip-flops?
I think it was Samuel Ulman who said “Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.”
And your soul, my dear, is anything but wrinkled!
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-21 22:27:34
Shit no! No bikini for me! It would take years of gym-going before I’d even consider a bikini!
No, I wear leggings and funny little black shoes.
Thanks for the quote – it’s wonderful. Just like you x
Comment by Simone
2009-10-21 22:36:26
I’ve started running myself, did my first 10 km race two weeks ago. Trying to get bikini ready for summer. Yeah, right! Like that’s ever going to happen. It’s that damn chocolate that I’m having a problem with. Ooh, not to mention the pizza, pasta and everything else at Vera Vita (the restaurant i work at part time).
Ok, cool. Now I have a better picture in my head of what you look like when “pretending to train”. Wonderlful.
Thank you! Glad you like the quote.
Comment by Simon Smithson
2009-10-22 00:12:46
You must feel the burn, Zara. Feel the burn!
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 08:02:19
Is that secret gym code for ‘Harden up?’
Comment by Simon Smithson
2009-10-22 12:52:29
Harden up and accept that bacon!
Comment by Rebecca Adler
2009-10-22 00:38:20
Ugh. I got a personal trainer once (when I was trying to get fit for my wedding a million years ago) and I had a very similar experience. Except my trainer was a man, which makes it even worse. He did not like my complaining one bit. And I, too, fell off the treadmill when he sped it up.
Turns out I didn’t need a personal trainer after all, just some actual personal motivation. I run now on my own with nobody looking over my shoulder to make sure I do it. And I actually like it. It’s very strange.
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 08:05:07
Hey Bec
I wish I had fallen off because of the trainer, but it was entirely my own fault for being a smart ass. Oh, it’s such a weird thing trying to find motivation for something that you really dislike… but your words give me hope!
Comment by Don Mitchell
2009-10-22 01:29:50
So Zara, you’re 37 (but surely look 30). It took you many years to get out of decent human shape, so it’s going to take some time to get back to normal (= “fit”). It’ll happen.
The gym, though. Yikes. I’ve never been in a gym, never even seen a Swiss Ball (what sort of music is played at one?). So I liked your description of that instrument of torture.
I don’t remember your writing about whether you like to smoke, or are addicted and can’t quit. When I settled into aerobic exercise, years ago, my urge to smoke completely disappeared. That’s right – goodbye, the end, not the trace of an urge. It might happen to you.
Your posting reminds me of what I might have written after my first few Beginning Yoga classes. You want me to do that? And hold it? Surely you jest. Then it got better.
Finally, I too fell off a treadmill, but at least it was during an experiment, the dreaded “run to exhaustion” that I signed up for years ago. Falling off is bad enough, but falling off all wired up and with some breath-collecting apparatus on your face . . . and with researchers and other runners standing around watching . . . .
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 08:08:47
Thanks Don! That’s a lovely thing to say!
Your falling off story made me laugh. I was lucky it was just my trainer and I – no one else to see me fall on my ass.
That’s good to know about the cigarettes. They are such a curse and I am really hoping that my newly fit lungs will cease their cravings once I start getting fitter. Fingers crossed…
Comment by David S. Wills
2009-10-22 01:35:24
Ahaha! A Korean reference!
Seriously, don’t go and join the Moonies… Find a cult that isn’t involved in arms dealing.
Comment by Irene Zion
2009-10-22 04:07:15
The Moonies are involved with arms dealing?
I thought all they did was hold mass weddings.
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 08:11:03
I put it in just for you, David!
Having said that, you don’t hear much about the Moonies anymore. I used to love watching news footage of all those mass weddings…
But thats good advice. I’ll bypass any cult that deals in arms or Kool- aid.
Comment by Greg Olear
2009-10-22 02:45:20
Really funny piece.
I’m with you, Zara. I detest gyms and most forms of exercise. People get a big rush from running, but it just makes me feel hungover. And if I’m going to feel hungover, I’d rather it be from too much booze.
G
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 08:12:09
Ha!
And that’s just another good reason why I love you Greg Olear!
Comment by Robin Antalek
2009-10-22 02:59:47
I have NEVER seen a happy runner. On the other hand I have witnessed certain people (myself included) who appear positively orgasmic when consuming large amounts of chocolate.
This is a fantastically funny piece, Zara. Almost as good as mounds of rich, dark chocolate…..
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 08:14:27
I know, right?!! They always look so…pinched.
I have only recently discovered the joy of chocolate. I’ve never really touched the stuff, but lately it has been calling to me. Why is it all the enjoyable things are bad for us?
Comment by Kimberly M. Wetherell
2009-10-23 04:19:23
What Robin said! Times two!
Comment by Irene Zion
2009-10-22 04:16:46
Zara,
this is a really funny piece.
I totally sympathize with you. I have no will power on my own, so I have a personal trainer too. Yesterday she got really mad at me & told me I had lost my committment.
Well, actually I hadn’t lost it. I never had it to begin with. I was just getting better lately at finding excellent excuses to cancel sessions. So, now I am chastened & I can’t keep cancelling her. But I’ll be godammed if I use that horrid treadmill!
(37 is nowhere near mid-life, therefore, you cannot be having a mid-life crisis. Probably you have a bad case of heartburn. )
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 08:16:33
I think you’re right. It is either heartburn or the beginning of a nervous breakdown.
I don’t mind the treadmill so much, it’s the cycle thing that I really hate. Is it part of the job description for personal trainers to be mean?
Comment by Irene Zion
2009-10-22 08:22:58
If they weren’t mean, would you do it?
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 09:59:10
Nope. Not a chance!
Comment by Irene Zion
2009-10-22 12:34:07
duh.
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 12:42:06
Exactly.
Comment by Rich Ferguson
2009-10-22 04:30:06
Zara:
This was great. It totally brought a smile to my face. And that’s not such an easy thing to do at 6:20 a.m. I’ve actually had a fling or two with gyms. Ultimately, I could never quite get the hang of them, though. As a consequence of all those gym experiences, I’m currently in a support group to help me with my fears of water bottles and Lycra. And spinning classes, too. Man, just the thought of them make my teeth hurt.
Comment by Irene Zion
2009-10-22 06:35:32
But, Rich,
how did you get that perfect bathing suit body then?
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 08:18:45
I’m glad I can bring a smile to you, Rich. That brings a smile to me.
I would also like to join your support group for Lycra and water bottle phobia. The amount of Lycra that I’m having to deal with at the moment is quite overwhelming.
And spinning?? Is that something I need to be worried about? The trainer hasn’t said anything about spinning… yet.
Comment by Jude
2009-10-22 10:41:59
Hilarious story Zara!
A friend told me recently she was thinking of joining a spinning class. I, in my misguided and boomer way of thinking, thought she meant a wool spinning class! It may not do much for your bum but could be a great toner for the arms!
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 11:03:06
Is that you Mama? It certainly sounds like you! Wool spinning -hah!
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 11:33:43
And I’m surprised you didn’t mention the bird incident.
Comment by Jude
2009-10-22 12:13:30
It’s me…how could you tell?
Aha… the bird incident… Well your distaste for any sort of physical exercise became very apparent at High School, when reports came back to me that while on a ‘training run’ around the park, you refused to do it, picked up a dead bird and biffed it at the teacher. Wasn’t sure of what reaction to have, as part of me (a big part) totally empathized with you!!
So now you’re at a gym – still giving the ‘instructors’ a hard time! Wish I was a fly on the wall – would have loved to have seen you pretend walking on the treadmill!
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 12:20:17
You know me. I hate gyms. But I hate authority even more.
Ha! The bird. That was awesome. She ran into a tree when I threw that dead bird at her.
She’s now a big time police chief. Ruh Roh.
Comment by Matt
2009-10-22 12:36:59
What I find really funny is that it probably took more effort to lift yourself up on the handrails and pretend-walk in the air than it did to just walk on the bloody thing. That’s actually a pretty funny mental image.
Comment by Ronlyn Domingue
2009-10-22 04:44:09
The only piece of gym equipment I could tolerate was the elliptical runner. LOVED it. I burned off every pound I gained between college and graduate school. I HATED weight lifting so I turned to yoga. That combination yielded a downright svelte figure even though I have the physical structure of a Hobbit. I got lazy and I’m not as svelte now, but I know I can do it again if I want to. Ehhh, I have a novel to finish…
Good luck finding an exercise that you could (even secretly) like. Thanks for this morning’s smiles.
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 08:23:24
Thanks Ronlyn. Yikes, I haven’t got to the elliptical runner yet. But it sounds to me like a combination between math and exercise which scares me silly.
It’s such a strange thing, this exercise lark. I’ve always been lucky to be naturally slim so having to now actually work at it is something new to me. But you’re right -I will find an exercise that I like. There must be something surely!?
Comment by Will Entrekin
2009-10-22 05:00:38
First, congratulations on joining a gym and getting a trainer. Awesome. I hope you quickly begin to realize the benefits of regular exercise because you feel them.
I used to be a personal trainer at a Bally Total Fitness, and I remember the day we got our Swiss balls. We were so excited. We got a couple of sets of three different sizes, and we placed balls strategically throughout the gym.
I had never used one before, so I was excited to try it out. So I went to sit down on it to try some crunches–
and I feel completely backward, ass over head, at which point the ball popped out from under, smacked the wall, and bonked me in the head. This was not the first time I had seen stars.
But can I say, as a trainer, I don’t think I’m a fan of your trainer? The best trainers I know practice both motivation and education; when a client, particularly a new client who is not only unfamiliar with you but also with the gym in general asks a question about why heart rate should be at 120, I really think the correct way to answer is a (very) basic intro to the idea of aerobic and anaerobic exercise, and how those affect cardio and health. I’m not saying it’s time for a lecture on the vascular system, but “Because your heart needs to reach a certain level of activity before your body can begin to burn calories, as well as subtly change your metabolic processes” is more favorable than “Because it’s good for you.” It is, but that tells the client nothing.
Also, weights the first time on a Swiss ball? I was a trainer at the time and even I wouldn’t use weights first time on a Swiss ball. Any good trainer knows not only that “a really nasty bruise” is grounds for a not-so-frivolous lawsuit but also very easily avoidable. If the medical oath is “First do no harm,” the trainer’s is “Safety first.”
I’m just saying don’t forget there are other options. A good trainer can make all the difference. So can a bad one.
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 08:27:57
Hah! Your Swiss ball experience sounds much better than mine!
THanks for your comments though, Will. You have explained things really well. I just couldn’t get my head around WHY making my heart speed up was a good idea. It seems counter intuitive to me.
As for the throwaway ‘you will get a nasty bruise’ line – We don’t have the ability to sue in NZ. Everybody here is covered by an accident compensation scheme, which basically takes away the individual’s right to sue, which maybe makes us a little lax on the safety front.
Having said that, my trainer is actually very nice, I just like to think of her as a monster. It makes me feel better!!
Comment by Ducky
2009-10-22 07:03:28
Hysterical! I love your work.
I quit smoking 6 months ago. Was a die-hard smoker for 25 years but strangely the easiest thing I’ve ever done. At any rate, I gained 15 pounds like that. They warn you. I thought I was prepared. Yikes!
So I understand where you’re coming from. We’re in the same age bracket. And I can’t eat chocolate every night anymore, either. But I want chocolate every night! So, I hit the dance floor. I take ballroom dance classes, jazz classes, salsa, hip hop, whatever I can find. More fun than the gym. And I get to keep my chocolate. And sometimes the boys are cute.
Something to consider.
PS – my favorite class is Argentine Tango.
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 08:29:38
You are an inspiration, Ducky! I hope I too, can throw away the cigarettes without too much fuss. And congratulations!
Great idea about the dancing. I shall make some enquiries. Anything that doesn’t have a dreaded Swiss ball is alright by me…
Comment by Ducky
2009-10-23 07:35:48
Nobody tells you how easy it can be. I read a book by Allen Karr called “The Easy Way to Quit Smoking,” and it worked. Most of my friends who have quit still crave, but I don’t have any of that.
Highly recommend dancing. (Maybe I should write about my tango teacher’s ass. That alone would inspire every woman to take it up.)
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-23 09:43:19
That book has helped so many people give up, there must be something in it! ALthough I do find it ironic that poor old Allan Karr died of lung cancer.
I definitely think you should write about your teacher’s ass. I’d love to see it. (Your story, not her ass..)
Comment by Ducky
2009-10-23 12:26:00
Trust me, you want to see her ass. It could solve world problems. As for the book, it’s just reverse brainwashing, but when you realize the different ways you’re being controlled through your addiction, it makes a rebellious shit like me give it up without a thought.
I have a friend who’s never smoked a day in his life; and according to his doctors, he has the lungs of a sixty-year-old smoker with a two pack a day habit.
I had a two-pack-a-day habit and my lungs show no damage.
Who the fuck knows what’s really killing us.
Comment by jmblaine
2009-10-22 07:42:25
Zara,
Request the Bosu.
Trust me,
jmb
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 08:30:55
You know I trust you.
But the Bosu sounds like an oriental musical instrument… Will it make me sing??
Comment by jmb
2009-10-22 17:08:25
oh you will
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 18:19:27
Okay, that makes me worried…
Comment by Jeremy Resnick
2009-10-22 08:03:03
“Was it that I loved listening to commercial radio stations at a loud volume while inhaling the sweat of strangers?”
Brilliant. Gyms are terrible places. You could just take your body for a long walk every day….
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 08:33:37
I could. I should. But I know I won’t.
I wish I had will power and motivation, but I am sadly lacking in both.
And if I went walking every day, wouldn’t I have to do that weird ‘power walk’ thing where you stride and swing your arms? The potential for public humiliation is much greater on the street!!
But I’m with you, Jeremy – gyms are terrible places. And the music… arrrgh.
Comment by Marni Grossman
2009-10-22 08:15:41
I’m with Greg. I hate people who talk about endorphin highs. I’ve never had one. When I exercise, all I feel is tired. Please don’t turn into one of the endorphin people, Zara! You are gorgeous and I love you the way you are.
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 08:34:51
You are such a darling, Marni! I’m still waiting for the endorphin high. It hasn’t happened yet, so I don’t think I’m in any danger of becoming a gym junkie. I hope… x
Comment by Richard Cox
2009-10-22 14:54:50
I also agree, Marni. Endorphin highs are less believable than little green men who fly across the cosmos to prob our posteriors.
I’ve run almost an hour without stopping, and if it hasn’t happened by then it’s not going to. Or at least I’m never going to find out.
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-23 09:40:08
An hour? 10 minutes seems like a lifetime to me. I can’t even imagine what that must be like. It makes me feel like collapsing just thinking about it….
Comment by D.R. Haney
2009-10-23 11:43:32
I’ve encountered the legendary endorphin high — on numerous occasions, actually. It never happened when I ran, however, or when I did cardio of any kind. It was strictly associated with weight-lifting.
I hated going to the gym as much as anyone else who’s said as much on this board, but I always felt better afterward — or I did if I hit the weights.
I have lifted myself from my death bed, by the way, to comment. Now to return to it.
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-23 12:18:08
I am honoured that you would lift yourself from your death bed to comment. I sincerely hope you feel better soon and the flu releases you from its nasty grip.
xx
Comment by Amanda
2009-10-22 08:49:34
I share your loathing of all things gym-ish. Something about “working out” in public just, I dunno, makes me want to crawl out of my skin. But…it’s true…once you get into it, the gym will make your bum look sensational.
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 10:02:30
And the sweat! Other peoples sweat makes me gag. My OWN sweat makes me gag!
But yes, It would be nice to have a sensational looking bum!
Comment by Amanda
2009-10-22 10:24:09
For a couple years, I went to a great boxing gym–not the retarded “boxercise” trend, this was full-on learning to punch one another’s faces off and doing chin-ups and getting in the ring and taping our hands and so on. It was awesome and stinky and revolting and brutal and great. Talk about sweat and smells relating to sweat. UGH! There was no air conditioning and the wraps and gloves would be soggy inside from prior users. Good incentive to buy your own pair, that’s for sure. Somehow, the grunge and ick took the edge off my gym phobia, sort of like the less sterile and official the environment, the easier it was to put on shorts and get exercise in front of other people.
Maybe you need to go learn to punch faces! I had awesome arms AND a great-looking behind. Plus, I knew what to do if, you know, someone tried to mess with me. I got a nice swagger going on, once I knew how to play tough.
: )
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 11:01:53
That sounds great.. but I am far too much of a pussy to get in the ring with anyone. Even playfighting.
I like to think I’m tough, but that’s because I’m small and small people have unresolved aggression issues to do with their size I think!!
I can make a decent fist though….
Comment by Amanda
2009-10-23 04:14:26
Just remember: thumb on the outside. Keep that in mind, and you’re set. Now, back to the Swiss ball!
: )
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-23 09:38:52
Thumb on the outside, right! Thanks for the tip, Amanda – It’ll come in handy at the gym I think.
And now back to Coronation Street…
Comment by Stefan Kiesbye
2009-10-22 08:58:05
you can’t be having a midlife crisis, Zara, no way. are you allowed?
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 10:04:03
Hah!
Maybe it’s just a simple nervous breakdown, Stefan. That would be better than a mid life crisis.
Comment by Matt
2009-10-22 09:35:18
Zara–
Firstly, I will second Don’s statement: you don’t at all look your age, and you certainly have a very youthful personality; I say so from first-hand knowledge.
I like going to the gym, although I haven’t had a membership to one in several years. What I hate is the “cult” of gym mentality, those people who are there everyday, chugging creatine drinks and whey powder, feverishly working on sculpting every single muscle possible, just so they can come to gym and show them off. There’s a huge difference between people who exercise to keep fit and healthy and those who want to metamorphose into some perception of the ubermensch, but sadly you tend to find more of the latter at a gym. Apparently these people don’t realize that with 0% body fat and ridiculously high metabolism, they’ll starve to death that much faster than the rest of us.
I hate running so I dropped $300 on a new mountain bike, which is now my primary form of transportation. Karate keeps me limber and flexible, and 120 push-ups a day keeps the muscles of my upper-body decently strong. By combining this with eating sensibly (read: not over-indulging in everything) I’ve lost about 15lbs this year.
Simon will infer it, but I’ll just say it: harden up, brew.
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 10:11:18
Thanks Matt, that’s sweet of you to say.
I have to say though -I like the idea of having rock hard muscles with no body fat. But that ain’t going to happen anytime soon!
Comment by Matt
2009-10-22 12:19:11
You like the idea, you just don’t want to do the work! Go for it, I say! When I first started the martial arts I was as awkward as a newborn giraffe, and was worn out after only fifteen minutes or so. Nowadays, different story. Same with cycling or weightlifting. Stick with, it; you’ll get there.
Though if you find yourself standing in front of a mirror in a lycra/Spandex outfit, watching yourself oil and flex your muscles, you’ve gone too far….
Comment by David Breithaupt
2009-10-22 11:02:57
I go the gym in quest of lost endorphins, I think I have a few left. Its my own private National Geographic Special, this search. But don’t wait until you are 50 to exercise like me, your body will think it very rude. Mine is still pissed at me.
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 11:28:17
Bloody bodies. Good advice, David. I think I may have got there just in time. My body was starting to sulk – It wasn’t quite at the pissed off stage. I hope you and your body make friends again soon!
Comment by Tom Hansen
2009-10-22 11:18:42
Sounds like you need The Tom Diet: More cigarettes and coffee.
Comment by Tom Hansen
2009-10-22 11:21:56
But really. It doesn’t appear to me you need the gym (you look great IMO). I don’t get the whole gym thing myself. I think it’s actually quite troubling, the proliferation of gyms and doggie daycares.
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 11:31:44
Tom, thank you for saying that! You are very kind.
I’m happy to say I have been following The Tom Diet for a long time now and I love it. More coffee. More cigarettes. Bad things are just so good.
Doggy Daycares are strange aren’t they? I cannot decide whether I like them or whether I find them really disturbing…
Comment by Stephanie St. John Olear
2009-10-22 13:09:14
Zara – you’re a riot and I can’t wait to meet you.
Thought of you when I used the self-scanner today and the
lady came over because I was obviously doing it wrong – my conveyor belt was full
and causing all sorts of ruckus.
Anyway – the key to getting through the gym is to:
a) bring music you LOVE and zone out and sing out loud if you have to
b) find someone to crush on there – it’ll keep you going in theory
and/or
c)maybe find a class you like – i hate the machines – soooooo dull. Or find a friend to go with?
That said, I don’t go to the gym anymore – because I couldn’t deal with the people – major annoying. So now I run, used to be regularly, (as of late have been a slacker), with a group of friends – we call ourselves Bitch Track. We have this rail trail here and over the summer there was the rail trail stalker who would jump out and scare women runners and chase them. Great! So we formed this group in hopes of that when we ever saw him we’d all pounce on him and kick his ass.
And you certainly aren’t doing this to up your hot factor – are you? Because you’re waaaaay hot as it is, hottie.
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 13:27:56
Steph,
I think there must be something wrong with me, because I totally cracked up over the rail trail stalker. It’s not funny, but I can’t get the image of some weird guy chasing screaming joggers. What is wrong with me?!
But thank you for the advice – The singing along to my iPod is a very good idea. With all the terrible 80’s music I have loaded, it will clear out the gym in no time!
I can’t wait to meet you too – we are going to have so much FUN!
xx
Comment by Stephanie St. John Olear
2009-10-22 14:12:08
well, the rail trail stalker as terrible as it was, is kind of funny.
he would just chase women – once he did actually grab someone
and he got arrested – out the next day on bail.
but in telling it to people, i realize it does come out kind of funny – so no worries
it’s not you – it’s him!
Friday Night Delights and then we hit the gym!
xxxoxo
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 14:22:13
So it was a rail trail fail?
Yes.. FND and then the gym baby! xx
Comment by Don Mitchell
2009-10-23 14:56:27
This is such a good-natured and funny thread that I hate like hell to interrupt with a public service message, but you rail trail ladies, please please be careful. Your guy may seem harmless, but you never know. Google “bike path rapist” or “altemio sanchez” and you’ll see why. Our own Buffalo monster.
Comment by Stephanie St. John Olear
2009-10-23 15:11:54
Thanks Don – I do appreciate your concern.
We have since stopped running on the trail and use my track at the local
university now. And I never said he was harmless – just luckily – he never took it as far as he could have if he wanted to. But we were freaked out – we used the humour as a way to empower ourselves, I suppose.
When I moved here from the city, I could never imagine running or even walking by myself on those trails, it took me so long to let my guard down.
So, this summer, four years after moving here, I started to feel more at ease
and then this happened. It was a wake up call for everyone to here to get out of their New Paltz bubble.
Anyway – I guess a good reason to be a member of a gym – no rail trail stalkers. Though, remember recently that horrible thing that happened in PA at L.A. Gym?
Yeeesh.
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-23 15:16:55
You are totally right, Don. I shouldn’t be so flippant about things like this.
And I guess gyms are safer than rail trails, but some of the dudes working out look pretty scary to me! This world is pretty cracked sometimes.
Comment by Don Mitchell
2009-10-23 16:36:13
I really didn’t mean to come off as one of those “now you girls be careful” guys. And Stefanie’s right about that awful Pittsburgh thing. He wasn’t a member of the gym, though, was he? I hope not. They don’t have people like that in NZ, right?
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-23 16:43:42
It’s surprising how many freaks we have in our tiny paradise nation.. Pretty high head count considering our population…
Comment by Steve Sparshott
2009-10-22 14:05:36
What is a “gym”? How do you pronounce it? Does it rhyme with lime?
Oh wait…it’s all coming back to me…
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 14:23:38
‘Failure of the Will’ – That’s brilliant, Steve. I’d pay good money to see that. Lovely!
Comment by Lenore
2009-10-22 17:56:19
oh my god, i hate the gym. it’s not the gym itself, it’s that going to the gym adds at least an hour to the time commitment of working out. you have to drive there, park, wait for your machine if someone is on it, then drive back. it’s annoying. same reason why i’ll avoid going anywhere that doesn’t have a drive thru.
but i do like workout clothes. i wear them much longer than is necessary when i work out, because i look really cute in them. i go places wearing my running clothes because i think that everyone will look at me and think “wow, what a healthy girl. she’s obviously just worked out. perhaps i’d like to have relations with her.” but they don’t think that, not even with the AIDS marathon tag on my running shoe, which i left there for the same purpose.
this was hilarious.
also, i once had a personal trainer and when i was working out with him i told him i was getting dizzy and i had to stop. he told me i was just being lazy, so i kept working out and then eventually passed out on the ground in the gym. a few months later i went to the doctor and found out that there was a bunch of stuff wrong with my blood and my endocrine system and that’s why i was dizzy. that asshole trainer may have a perfect body, but he ain’t no doctor.
now my knee hurts when i try to run cause i exploded it when i was training for the marathon.
anyway, now i just starve myself and that seems to do the trick.
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-22 18:21:50
Lenore, you are wonderful.
You must not starve yourself. You must get in your car right now and drive through In and Out Burger.
In your cute workout clothes.
Comment by Megan DiLullo
2009-10-22 20:36:15
HA! HA! HA!
I’ve been in running mode again, it’s great. But yeah, I can’t do the gym. But if I ever go back, I’m going to think of this, and you and laugh my ass off.
Thank you so much Zara. This is just too perfect.
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-23 00:15:01
Thanks Gorgeous!
My problem is now going to be laughing my ass off at the gym thinking about you laughing your ass off thinking of me at the gym!
I wish I could just run!!
Comment by Kimberly M. Wetherell
2009-10-23 04:29:20
Zara – more and more, I’m convinced that we are related.
You could always go on The Kimberly Plan. Work 15 hours a day, force-drink a bottle of seltzer so you ensure that you are urinating twice a day and otherwise just snack on bacon toffee and Turkish Delight, while dreaming of chicken chips.
Comment by Gina Frangello
2009-10-23 06:16:36
Okay, Zara and Kimberly, so the 3 of us were triplets separated at birth.
I hate the gym. I do like yoga, but only once I am actually DOING it. Getting my ass to the studio is sort of akin to the level of enthusiasm and gumption I might show if I were on my way somewhere to be boiled in oil.
I have not exercised since March and am suffering huge guilt. I’m 41, and my mid-life crisis is more acute because fuck all once you pass 40, it’s the real deal. I am terrified of my body falling down.
But apparently not nearly terrified enough to actually, um, get off my ass.
I do chase 3 kids around and tell myself that is “exercise,” but in reality I think it is more “giving myself a backache because I am old.”
This was SOOO funny!
Kimberly, my best friend tried to get me to taste chocolate with bacon in it the other day, and I refused. Eeew! Is there really bacon toffee? I might have to go puke now. Which is a good alternative to the gym too . . .
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-23 09:33:30
Dear sister Gina,
I like yoga too, but I was told I’m not allowed to do it anymore because I’m TOO flexible. What?!! Seems if I do yoga, it’s cheating because it’s too easy for me to get into the positions and so i’m not allowed to go back until I build up my muscles!! It seems unfair that the only exercise I’m actually good at, I’m not allowed to do. Stupid gyms.
And chasing 3 kids is definitely exercise and so is puking.
And what is it with all the weird chocolates these days? I saw some chilli chocolate not so long ago and almost heaved just thinking about it. Why can’t chocolate just be allowed to be chocolate?
x
Comment by Kimberly M. Wetherell
2009-10-23 10:04:00
Here’s the thing I’m learning about this whole new bacon-in-sweets thing.
Bacon Toffee = DELISH (I made it myself and it was amazing)
Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies = DISGUSTING (I had them at a restaurant and nearly puked)
Here’s my theory: It’s a fat-to-salt-sugar ratio thing. For example: you don’t care if maple syrup spills on your bacon at breakfast, right? But you wouldn’t put bacon directly on top of your pancakes. That would be gross.
You can’t just put bacon in anything and call it gourmet. Same with chocolate. A dash of red pepper in a hot chocolate is actually astoundingly delicious (just had some last weekend) but it’s got to be super milky for the perfect fat-savory-sweet-balance.
And Zara – too bendy for yoga? Me too!!
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-23 10:10:57
See? definitely separated at birth!!!!
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-23 09:27:39
Dear sister Kimberly,
I like your plan except for the 15 hour work day. I am lazy.
And as for dreaming of chicken chips… Any day now! Keep checking the post!!
x
Comment by Steve Sparshott
2009-10-23 05:58:22
I fell off a Swiss ball once. Straight on my face, broke my specs, nearly took an eye out. And yes, I wonder the same thing: How, exactly, are they Swiss? They’re certainly not neutral, they can roll in any direction without warning. Balls.
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-23 09:37:09
Exactly. Never trust the Swiss, I say. Landlocked countries can be very cunning.
Switzerland should stick to chalets and yodelling.
Your story has just reinforced for me the dangers of the gym. They don’t tell you that you can lose an eye when they sign you up, do they??
Comment by sheree
2009-10-23 11:02:49
I joined a gym once. Two weeks into it I went to shower after my work out and found a big pile of human shit on the shower stall floor. I could not exit that gym fast enough and I never went back.
I ride one of those fancy stationary bikes that tells me my heart rate and then I go completely gay sweating to the oldies for 30 minutes twice a day with over bubbley Richard Simmons. I’m no size four but I can eat a burger if I want and not feel the least bit of guilt.
Great post. Best wishes for a healthier future you!
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-23 11:11:05
ARRRRRGH!!!
That is disgusting! Who would do that?????
I’m glad you never went back, imagine what else you might have found…
One day, we must eat a guilt-free burger together.
Comment by D.R. Haney
2009-10-23 11:39:52
Was that a coed shower, Sheree? I can’t imagine such a thing being discovered in the ladies’ locker room.
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-23 13:30:36
Exactly right. Girls don’t poo.
Comment by D.R. Haney
2009-10-27 01:16:30
Have you been talking to Lenore again?
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-27 10:10:21
This is a universal truth.
Comment by James D. Irwin
2009-10-23 21:28:24
When I started university this time I was going to exercise and eat rabbit food and all that shit.
Life is far too short.
Granted, it’s shorter if you don’t exercise, but fuck it, I’d rather die a fat, happy 50 year old than a skinny centenarian carrot muncher.
I’d like to be fit.
I’d also like to have superpowers and a girlfriend.
Some things just aren’t meant to be…
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-23 21:31:43
One day, Jim. One day you will have superpowers and a lovely girlfriend and lots of great things and you will not have to eat carrots or rabbit food.
Rabbit food sucks and carrots are only good juiced up.
Comment by James D. Irwin
2009-10-23 23:19:39
Well, to tell you the truth I did correctly predict the events of a soccer game before they happened (not just the score, but who would score, when they would score and how they would score) and… and… I think after 20 years, 2 months and 4 days I may just have plucked up enough courage to maybe… sort of… perhap… talk to a girl in one of my classes…
Carrots are nice roasted, but by that stage they aren’t at all healthy… but I hardly ever eat chocolate these days… so… I might just make it to 55…
Comment by Erika Rae
2009-10-25 11:25:55
This was too funny, Zara. The whole Swiss ball thing had me in tears.
Comment by Zara
2009-10-26 09:58:31
Thanks Erika! It had me in tears too, but for all the wrong reasons!!
Comment by kristen
2009-10-26 01:49:26
Haha, this is great. I’m a fairly routine gymgoer myself, and I completely *get* the oddities you mention.
The gym is a very strange place.
Oh, and I love the image in my head of your kicking the Swiss Ball. Hilar!
Comment by Zara
2009-10-26 10:00:17
Thank god you understand! Kicking the ball was good. I am one of those people who when frustrated by something, simply kicks it. I’ve kicked everything from bikes to computers. The swiss ball has just the latest in a long list of kickees…
Comment by Mary Richert
2009-10-26 06:36:12
omg, I swore I would never run voluntarily. I mean, who the hell runs when they’re not (a) being chased or (b) late for something super important? But alas, I got bored with my regular exercise routine and started running. Now I sortof love it. What the hell, eh? Good luck at the gym!
Comment by Zara
2009-10-26 10:01:52
I tried running, but it just felt so hard!! And I found that I could barely breathe when I finished!! But I hear that it can become quite addictive..
Comment by Colleen McGrath
2009-10-28 02:31:14
Gym allergy! I have it too. I can’t believe you joined one. Actually, I can. I’ve done it twice and regretted it both times. My advice, when your membership runs out, just run and never look back. I have a treadmill in my NYC apt and used it about 4 or 5 times a week for 1/2 hour in the morning before work. It was really great because I could watch my own television or listen to NPR or whatever in my own space on my own time and I didn’t have to go anywhere. Now I climb 72 stairs 4 times a day, bike back and forth to work with a guitar on my back and jump around with kids in the classes I teach. I feel any more exercise would be unwarranted. That I’m a full 8lbs heavier doesn’t seem to enter into the equation. Anyway, don’t let that skinny gym rat make you feel less than. Embrace the you within. I agree, skim milk counts!
Comment by Zara Potts
2009-10-28 09:30:40
Oh my god, I’m exhausted just reading your comment!! I have my first real session with my personal trainer today so.. Arrrgh! I better go eat some yoghurt and drink some skinny milk!
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