I know from experience how difficult it can be to secure a table at your renowned restaurant. My telephone has a calendar that allows me to book well into the future, so I was hoping you could make an exception for a young man who knows he would like to reserve a table for six for his sixtieth birthday meal on December 21, 2029. We would each like the full tasting menu and wine pairing. I don’t know the dietary restrictions of those that will be present, but I can provide as the date approaches.
Dear Mr. Black,
Thank you for e-mailing The French Laundry. While we appreciate your enthusiasm, unfortunately we are unable to secure reservations 19 years in advance. We are only able to make reservations up to two months to the calendar date in advance. Thank you for your patience, and we look forward to hearing back from you.
If we can be of any further assistance, please do not hesitate to let us know.
With our very best regards,
The French Laundry
Dear Aphrodite’s Dungeon,
My son loves your dungeon, and he has asked to come there the day he turns eighteen. I was wondering if we could rent an area for he and his friends (about ten total), as well as me and my lover from Saudi Arabia. We are all of normal height except that for my lover is exceptionally short. I hope you will be able to accommodate her as well.
I would like to have a birthday cake delivered, with one of your women inside of it. I believe it is the ultimate gift for a young man. We are thinking to come in after breakfast, rather than late at night, Maybe it is cheaper then?
I admire that you make every effort to keep the place clean.
My son has a foot fetish (we are very open sexually), which is the main thing I hope you can satisfy. I believe my love and I would want to experience the wrestling, meanwhile.
The cages and the Chinese palace look amazing!
That’s one fantasy that I never even heard of… it would be amazing… but not cheap… when were you thinking and make sure every one is over 18… that cake, if you want a real one, would be expensive as well.
Bernard Radfar writes novels and screenplays. A novel about love and human trafficking will be published in September, 2013. He is a regular contributor to The Huffington Post. Insincerely Yours is his first book.