POP CULTURE
10 Gripes I Always Wanted to Gripe AboutLONG BEACH, CA 02 March 2010 |
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I’d like to start a Car and Traffic column. I love cars. I like driving long hours. I like buying key chains at cheesy gas stations all over the U.S. Plus coffee mugs in all sizes. And then I drink 64 ounces of bad coffee with delight. But I’m also a grouch. Big time. I complain, whine, complain and whine with the best. I do it when I feel good, it’s not a sign of misery, quite the opposite. Just like in that stupid old song, I’m only happy when I can worry and complain. So here are my ten gripes about cars and traffic:
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FX 35s. Nissan is a strange car company. Their cars are okay, but their only charming feature is prodigious power. If you want class, you buy German. If you want exotic, you buy British. But if you want power, and you want it cheap, you buy Nissan and their ‘luxury’ division Infiniti. The FX35 is their hulking SUV, and it kind of looks cool, but only assholes drive it. It’s weird, how can such a relatively okay-looking SUV attract so much asshole-power? In LA, if someone cuts you off, halfway kills you, or breezes past you on the highway at a cool 90 mph, you can bet it’s an FX 35. It’s the equivalent of a super-mullet, a super-mega-soccer-star-mullet. And in LA, they have these tuned exhausts, which all sound like Mecha-Godzilla is farting into a tin-pipe.
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G37s. This is the most popular Infiniti sedan/coupe, and if you need any more information, most of #1 applies to G37s.
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Cars without license plates. They are usually new and expensive. They are usually fast. And their drivers want to kill you without being held responsible by some random witness. Instead, all that random witness will be able to tell the police is, “Umh, it was an FX 35.”
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Car colors. In LA there are only three: Black, white, and silver. Pick your poison. For a city that sports palm trees, Hawaiian shirts, and any kind of garish fad that looks good on TMZ, that’s a poor showing. But there it it is.
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Pimp rims. On a Ford Escort? Really? $5,000 of rims on a basic Chrysler 300? Go figure!
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Souped-up Honda Civics. One more and I barf. Really. There should be a law against coffee-can exhausts! Really!
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Another Camry.
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Another Corolla.
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Another Prius passing me on the 405 at 90 mph. What is it with Prius drivers? Is it over-compensation for the blobby silhouette and diminutive tires they were dealt? Or is it that a fuck-you to all FX 35s?
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Another Range Rover. They are as common in LA as Chihuahuas. They could be cool if you lived in Scotland and were the owner of some remote castle and you had to cross extensive swamps and escape Nessie on your way to that castle. In LA? As useless as a Chihuahua. As expensive as those ill-tempered rat-dogs too.
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i drive a mustang. it’s an american classic. but my sister has a prius and i drove it once. the thing about the prius is it’s like air, like nothing. the engine makes no sound, there’s no vibration, no noise. you go faster and faster because you feel like you’re standing still.
that coupled with the fact that you can’t see SHIT out the back and sides, plus the dime-thin tires, equals bad scene.
plus you look like you care about the environment, or care about caring about the environment, or whatever. which is embarrassing in my book.
plus her stereo didn’t play mp3 cds, which was bad.
all in all, i drive a mustang.
Ah Mustang, real American steel (I should know, I lived near Flat Rock, where that baby was built). And you’re right, Prius drivers do seem to care, but then they go into the car pool lane, go 90, and stick your tongue out at you!
Come on, Ben. There are Mustangs and Mustangs. Which one?
We had “Christine,” Don.
She has quite a history.
It’s amazing my kids survived.
Ah yes. I remember that, er, Thunderbird story well. It was one of the first ones I read when I got onto TNB.
Don,
That was the first story I ever wrote on TNB. I’m really nostalgic about it because of that. Thanks for remembering! It’s in the old TNB section, so I don’t think anyone can comment anymore. I’ll put the link here, if anyone wants to see it: http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/izion/2008/09/1000-words-one-night-in-the-cold-central-illinois-winter/
(This way people can make fun of me and also see the power of “Christine.”)
oh, just a mustang. first of the new line, a 94 gt.
black, of course. though a little dirty.
I love your Mustang, Ben. I am very envious of you.
that makes two of us, zara! and i’m envious of you too.
We should have a cup of coffee and be envious of each together.
i bet your coffee would be better than mine.
No way, Jose. Your coffee would definitely be better than mine.
i know, i was just trying to make you feel better.
Is it me, or is it getting hot in here?
that’s what the ‘stang’s for, stefan… jeez…….. and you claim to know about cars…..
Yeah, Stefan! Don’t you know ANYTHING about cars???
can’t help but notice stefan’s not answering.
I’m busy buying a ‘stang, guys…
So wait, is at least one of you saying that the Mustang (I just cannot type ‘stang) has a coffee-maker? I’m impressed. Ford probably moved it over from the Excursion.
Ben’s car has a coffeemaker and a coke dispenser.
and a collection of Very Rare Empty Soda Cans. which zara smashed with her big fat unruly feet.
My feet are very narrow and delicate, but the soda can collection was very very problematic for me to navigate. I did, however, pay your amazing cans a great deal of compliments.
it’s true; you were very respectful of the dead.
people who aspired to be hand models usually are graced with graceful feet. but a fridge like the new Flex would come in handy.
No question on the German class argument. I’d love a 335, but until I can afford one I choose power. The differences in handling are subtle these days, and also none of the Infiniti cars I’ve ever owned have needed a repair. So I drive my black G35 and wallow in my Japanese engineering and zoom past people who won’t drive the speed limit on the freeway but tear through school zones like the Indy 500.
Also, I chase severe storms in the spring, and the reserve power has come in handy a time or two. Ha.
Well, at least it’s black. Just kidding.
I’ve never driven a G35 or G37 but I had Nissans for, let’s see, about 22 or 23 years and had no complaints except for the 2004 Quest, which I stupidly bought off the first run from the factory. I liked almost everything about it, but it had problems.
As for reliability, I’ll report on the 328 — 77,000 miles since October 2006 and the repairs have been only the rear window wiper. Normal maintenance of course. But it’s been the most reliable car I’ve ever had, as well as the most run to drive.
Glad to hear that about the 328. I salivate over the 335. I’d heard stories about costly repairs, but I’m sure there are stories like that about any make and model.
Stefan, I feel about big SUVs and pickup trucks the way you seem to feel about Toyotas and Nissans. The worst offenders, aside from the Hummer line, is the Lincoln Mark LT. A luxury pickup truck? Isn’t that an oxymoron?
I’ll only buy either German or Japanese. Axis powers taking over the world one car at a time.
Every time I see somebody proudly tooling around in a Navigator or an Escalade or that ridiculous LT, I want to hand-letter a sign and wave it at them: Hey! You’re driving a tarted-up pickup truck! A fucking fancy body-on-frame live axle pickup truck! Conestoga wagon suspension! Not cool! But all that wouldn’t fit on 8.5 x 11 and still be readable by the high and mighty folks way up there in their fancy rides.
But of course I don’t.
Unless BMW has changed their warranty, it’s 5 years /50K on everything, and all the maintenance items and regular scheduled maintenances are free (well, of course you’re really paying for them upfront, but you know what I mean). 50K is a little short, I think.
A 335 would be sweet.
Yes, pick-ups are only cool when they’re at least 20 years old and come in throw-back colors such as 50s-soup-bowl green or bathroom blue. But then they’re pretty cool. I will say this, however. In 20 years, the Lincoln Blackwood might look strangely fantastic!
Squeaks. Squeaks. And yeah, if I had a G37, I’d pretend it’s the Indy 500, too, but I’d decimate the population that way. In my Escort station wagon I don’t have enough power to run over a mole.
My previous G35 sported a couple of annoying rattles and squeaks but the newest one (2008) is surprisingly quiet. With iPod and Bluetooth support, multiple power outlets (for the GPS and the laptop, to enable my onboard weather radar), it’s a good compromise for under $40K.
Regarding the SUVs and pickups, I totally understand if you need a big vehicle for some reason. If you’re a farmer or a tradesman or whatever, a pickup makes sense. A small SUV makes sense for families. But unless you’re the Brady Bunch, I don’t understand the need for Expeditions and Escalades and Suburbans (that thing is a bus!)
I have this fight with my sister all the time, who I love, but who is the typical suburban mom with three kids and drives a giant black Suburban. In the summer, when it’s 105 degrees, that beast probably consumes more fuel idling a red light than a Prius burns in a month. I say to her, Why do you need such a big SUV? She says, You don’t understand. You don’t have three children.
And I say, yes, dear sister, but I was one of three kids, and we didn’t need an SUV. We didn’t even have a station wagon. She just rolls her eyes at me. She’s a wonderful mother, but she’s just doing her part in the 2010 version of middle America, where everything is overproduced and overconsumed and overprotected and prepackaged and dumbed down, where information and culture are doled out in sound bites of high fructose corn syrup.
Grrrr.
Yes, I do understand the lure of the Suburban, having driven a loaner once. It’s the “try to cut me off, asshole, and I’ll ram your sorry ass into the next century” lure, and it’s powerful. I find large behemoths also to be relaxing, but from my highway miles I can tell that no other Suburban drivers are relaxed at all.
Thanks for ratting out your sister. I always wonder about those space requirements too. My in-laws had a Mustang and two kids and it worked well for them. Today it seems that every toddler needs his laptop, their toy-ATV, plus a four-person canoe.
Don, but the Quest was a MINIVAN. I applaud your honesty, though
It’s true, and you know perfectly well that good old Runtime Services forced me to have trailer-towing minivans until I shut down the company. But at least they were tricked out with leather and nice wheels and whatever passed for sport upgrades. And the last one did have, what, 17″ wheels? Low profile tires?
But you could smell old soccer cleats all the way…
Ah, Don, that’s the best defense I’ve ever heard for owning a minivan. And yet…no.
Thanks for pointing that out, Richard!
Richard, what can I say? I went for years mumbling and groaning about how I’d never have a cool car again (I did have a red BMW 1800TI 1967-1975) because I was forced to have a van of some kind. I was still mumbling about it when I decided to shut down my company, and then I realized that Ruth had a fairly new Forester and I had a fairly new Quest, and the two together plus a wad of cash could be converted into the BMW, and that was that.
I did have a friend selling a well-maintained older (1984) 944 and was sorely tempted. But I thought that owning two cars simultaneously would be offensive.
not as offensive of owning one minivan
You have a lot of nerve dissing my minivans, Stefan. Consider how many times I carted you around in them (you got rides in all three). Consider the late night you asked me to help you make that stealth move. We couldn’t have crammed all your shit into a 944, or even into a Gran Maquis, but it went nicely into the Quest, and we got away with it.
Ouch, the big guns, how unfair. But think how easy the stealth move would have been with a semi, and would you like to drive a semi?
But yes, how can you argue with three classes worth of rides? You win, Minivan-man!
Stefan, I’m still sorry that the last time you visited Colden I never let you drive our 328xit. You were over there in the passenger seat drooling, although that might have been because that weekend we were mostly running races in which you beat me, every time, although I scored higher in my age group results than you did. But it was very unfair of me. Please believe me when I say that I never thought about letting you drive and then decided not to. I just never thought about it. I thought it would be enough when I stomped on the gas just past that dangerous curve on Rte 240 to show you how the beast accelerated. Of course that was kind of dumb because although it’s a quick little sucker, its forte is handling. I know you were interested in how the Sport Package worked, but you didn’t know that in the X models even with Sport Package, the suspension bits are steel, not aluminum. I felt cheated. Probably you felt cheated. Before the 328, when I had that string of Nissan Quests (how do you feel about them?) you never seemed to want a turn at the wheel. And you never even took a good look at Ruth’s Forester, either. If you come to Colden again, I promise to let you drive. Then you can wail down Route 240, passing Ford F150s, tailgating Dodge Chargers (why didn’t you rail against those ugly monsters), cutting off dump trucks. All the time I’ve known you, you’ve had strange cars, so I’m not surprised that you’ve written this piece. Remember that Gran Torino? If that’s what it was. And the Escort station wagon? The New Beetle, well, we won’t discuss that. And just because of this thing that you wrote, I’m right now considering posting “Isabella in the New World,” a piece that you know because you caused its genesis. Prime mover, and all that. Is it against TNB rules to post so often? Maybe it is.
Thanks to Mary Richert (the one here, not my ex-wife, whom you know) for setting me on course for a meandering stream-of-consciousness comment.
Thanks for your stream of consciousness, it’s becoming. And yeah, I think you were too much in awe with the car to let me have a go at it.
328. Yeah, but the squeaks were pretty noisy, just like in that New Beetle of mine. Seems to be a German thing that.
Squeaks? No squeaks except yours, of pleasure.
Those were squeals, out of poor fright, the way you snaked around Colden
The squeaks were in the back (where I did not seat). Maybe it was the towels you made my sweaty ass sit on…
The leather! The leather!
You wish!
Har, if the notion that memory is malleable needed any proof, you’ve written it. We scored the same in the two races we ran, and it was not a Gran Torino, although now I almost wish it would have been. No, it was an ’85 Grand Marquis, with coach lights and little ash trays in back. V-8 power (which translated into 140 hp and 250 pund feet of torque).
a little aside — my heart skips a beat every time I read Mary Richert’s name here on TNB…
Oh, Mercury or Ford, what’s the difference? You know you’re going to end up a silver-haired old guy in a baseball jacket and cap, driving a Crown Vic because it’s the kind of car you understand. Admit it.
And we’re both wrong. At least I wrote my wrong thing knowingly, because I didn’t want to clutter up my response.
I got a higher placing than you at St John Vianney — 2nd for me, and 3rd for you.
You got a higher placing than I did at Run for the Bewildered (or whatever it was), with 2nd for you and 3rd for me.
The tie breaker was who could get to the top of the Heath Road hill without walking, and you won that.
St. John 2 for you, 4 for me. Run for Mental Health, you 3, me 1. Tiebreaker, tie-shmeaker. It was the coolest thing to go with you to these Buffalo races. They were the best. Wish we could do that more often!
OK, you win the memory race. As well as the tie-breaker.
Well, we’ll get into some races soon. I’m slowly rounding into shape. Or less-rounding into shape.
Love it. I spent quite a bit of time on Toyota’s headquarters down in torrance, and the observation on the Prius is spot on. All Prius drivers drive fast. All of them. No one knows why, and these guys make and market the fucking things. The Prius is also silent until it hits 30 mph. The car runs strictly on the battery up to that point, so it makes no more sound than a golf cart. This makes the parking lot at Toyota headquarters THE MOST DANGEROUS PLACE ON THE PLANET. Seriously, a bunch of people in Prii doing 30 in a giant parking lot, silent as great white sharks. You’ll be walking to the cafeteria talking to your buddy Jeff, then just a whooshing noise and Jeff is on the ground, cut down by a Prius. We’ve lost 3 grips and a teleprompter operator just walking to lunch.
Yes, yes, yes! I do love hybrids in the abstract, but this silent shit is annoying, especially when you’re a runner and running in the streets, because the sidewalks are all broken and the hedges hang in your face (did I mention I’m grouchy?). Then, boom, or better (boom!) comes the Pruis and kills you!
The only solution is to kinda crab walk shuffle through parking lots like Spider Man just sensed something. We go in packs like a well oiled military platoon. Stay frosty back there Jenkins!
Or you can erect a fence around the Midwest and herd all Prius drivers into the enclosure…
You’re going to get me fired, Phat. I’m laughing my ass off.
HOO-RAH.
Isn’t there some talk about noisemakers? No, really. I did hear that somewhere — something like a little fake engine noise?
I haven’t heard about that, but that sounds like fun. Sort of like when my exhaust pipe broke and I sounded like some ’68 V-8 Mustang.
Your exhaust pipe broke? Is that why you had the colostomy?
The tires are so small they could probably pull of the “baseball card in the spokes” trick.
Oh, I want to see that!!! maybe a fox’s tail somewhere too…
“a bunch of people in Prii…”!!! HA! And similar HA’s! for all the bits thereafter.
Your public [jeez, I wrote "pubic" first] demands more of your writing, Phat!
My biggest vehicle gripe: people who drive 4×4 pickups in northern Minnesota during the winter and think that this somehow gives them a license to drive seventy MPH, completely ignoring the fact that, while a 4×4 is great for getting going on the ice and snow, it does absolutely nothing for you STOPPING on the ice and snow. Assclowns, all of them.
Fun article, and a mini-education on both cars and LA culture.
Ah yes, that’s a good one. We have these clowns here too. They drive all kinds of 4x4s, and then, when it rains half an inch, they’re all sliding across the highway and adding to the daily gridlock. There’s even a website for this kind of traffic here, sigalert.com…
Up here, the assholes drive Audis. Used to be BMWs, but it’s now morphed to Audis.
That’s too sad. Audis used to be cool. Understated and cool. Ahh, humanity!
The 2006 Audi A3 2.0T in lava grey metallic is the greatest car ever made. Jesus told me.
You can’t trust Jesus anymore…
My roster of cars during my drug dealing/addiction years: !969 Plymouth Barracuda Fastback. Root beer colored with a black stripe on the side. 1971 Dodge Challenger, baby blue. 1968 Dodge Charger, gold. 1970 Camaro Z28, gold with black stripes. 1981 Pontiac Turbo Trans-Am Indy Pace Car (a totally gutless POS) 1979 Pontiac Trans-Am, white with blue bird (another gutless POS) 1978 Camaro Z28, very dark grey, all the stripes and emission control devices removed. It was faster than hell. 1979 Camaro, green. 1972 Chevelle, maroon.
Is Tom Hansen a pseudonym for Jay Leno?
Jesus those are some beasts. Was the 79 camaro called the Pantera or is that another model? My dad’s buddy had one that just screamed. It would chirp the tires going into 3rd gear.
My big gripes are small dogs, jaywalkers and bicycles. Now that WE have brought about the demise of the Hummer, maybe we should go after these FX 35′s next?
Stefan,
I can’t tell one car from another. Victor has a blue sedan. When we go out and have to go back to the car, I’m always standing next to the wrong one, cause I walk faster. There are a lot of blue sedans in Miami.
For my own car, I walk by all the white crossovers and click my key fob to see which one lights up. I take the one that lights up. I hope they don’t have the same code for any other white crossovers in Miami, or I might steal a car by mistake.
I have a Nissan Murano. The only reason I know that is that someone recently asked me and Victor was with me and answered for me. I’ll forget it any minute. I like it because I can fit both my huge Goldens inside and it goes fast so I can get past all the stupid idiots who are driving in the fast lane texting.
Victor says it gets bad mileage, but it’s okay cause I don’t take long trips in it.
White makes perfect sense in Miami Beach. It keeps the car cooler in hot weather. When we lived in colder weather I had two different orange cars. I like color.
Irene,
uh, oh, the Murano is Nissan’s FX35. Fortunately though, it barely exists here, and anyhow, I’ve never noticed them being involved in any kind of bad behavior. But white?
I love that Voctor had to answer the question for you to know the make of car you’re driving. That’s sweet!
This exchange made my day. Hahahaha.
Stefan,
It’s white on account of the searing heat in the Miami Beach summers!
Thank you for saying “sweet” when you were really thinking “stupid.”
That was sweet.
“tuned exhausts, which all sound like Mecha-Godzilla is farting into a tin-pipe.”
Word to the wise. Your readers can’t finish reading if the piss themselves laughing at the first item in the list.
I persevered, though. Just barely.
Prius drivers. There are two kinds, basically. Or in my experience here in the Twin Cities.
They’re either going 40mph in the fast lane, following at a cautiously cautious 30 cautious car lengths behind the person in front of them, but still managing to trap a parade of pissed-off commuters behind them, or they’re weaving in and out of traffic, compassionately cutting off actual metal vehicles, like trucks, at 70mph, apparently because they believe that environmentalism makes them invincible.
“Save the planet. Fuck everybody else.” I think that’s the Prius motto.
Ahhh…
I enjoy complaining about traffic.
Becky, yes, there are the slow ones, too, having lived in Michigan for some time. Not here in LA though. There’s not enough space for two-kinds of a-holes in this town. Here it’s only “they believe that environmentalism makes them invincible.” Of course, now every Prius driver is the butt of oh so many brake jokes…
Becky, I’ve noticed your rapid felid gravatar changes. I have a tiger image you might like. If you’re interested, find me on Facebook and send an email and I’ll get it to you.
This started out as a proposed persona project that kinda failed. Was going to have a different gravatar for all kinds of different moods/tones of post, but it quickly became apparent that it wouldn’t work without all kinds of email addresses to match.
Long story.
Right now I’m at three. Professor Snow Panther, Jubilikitty (seen above), and Crouching Tiger, (not so) Hidden Rage issues (my former regular gravatar).
So, I think I’m pretty full-up on big-cat pics. Too much so, actually. I may look you up on facebook at some point anyway, though.
Snow LEOPARD. Geez. I knew panther was wrong and I typed it anyway.
You just need a lightsaber like the rest of us
What am I going to do with a lightsaber? I have no thumbs.
Maybe if I could work out some kind of Battle Cat situation….I’ll ponder this.
Slade, how can I get a lightsaber? I have two thumbs on every hand!
Becky — I understand. What I was offering was a photograph of an antique Tibetan temple-door tiger’s head. No need to look me up on Facebook. I have a very boring presence there. I only joined so I could send a few messages to people who were otherwise uncontactable.
I can’t help but feel shunned, Don.
Now you have hurt my feelings. EVERYONE should want to be my facebook friend. Especially because I post incessantly. You would love it. ;P
Slade, I got yer sabers right here.
Nice. Now make ‘em light up
Hahahahahaha. You could be a lightsaber-toothed tiger. Hahahaha. Get it? Haha.
Ha.
No?
I’m way too easily amused right now. I’m going to out for a drink
Of course I get it. That was the joke to begin with?
Are you sure you’re a comedian?
I kid, I kid.
I can totally make them light up. You just have to come a little closer.
closer….
no…closer stillll……
I’ve had my share of crappy cars while here in LA–a Ford Escort (simply just died on me one day without warning); a Chevy Vega (the aluminum block warped and cracked); and a Chevy Caprice (bottomed out on a raised and exposed manhole cover and tore out the transmission).
Now I have a Camry. Hey, I know you don’t like them, Stefan. But I was able to get it from my brother for a great price, and it’s probably one of the most dependable cars I’ve ever owned. So I think I’m gonna keep it for as long as I can.
Please don’t hate me for that, Stefan. And please don’t hate my car either.
Vega AND Caprice? You’re my hero, Rich. Maybe you can put an Escort decal on the Camry!
Isn’t it true that Pontiac had a sister-car to the Vega — I can’t remember what they called it — but because of the bad rep the alu Vega block had, Pontiac started calling its non-aluminum block engine version the Iron Duke? I’m pretty sure they did.
So who can weave that into a nice back story for our own Iron Duke?
The Cosworth-Vega was a pretty amazing car, though.
one iteration of the Vega was an Opel, but you had to look at it real quick, because rust ate it in about 5 minutes flat.
The best car I ever owned was a boxy Peugeot 504. It was like driving a couch. I loved it, even though every second day I had to hit the starter motor with a hammer just to get it going. In the end I had to send it to car heaven. Then I bought a late 70′s Merc but everyone thought I was a pimp or a drug dealer, and now I drive a boring fucking Mitsubishi.
Oh well. I guess it’s reliable.
504s rule, and in Cairo they are still driving them, yay! Yes, reliable cars are boring, then again, that’s kind of their forte.
Oh I know! Everytime I watch a news report from war zones in either the Middle East or Africa – I can pretty much guarantee there’ll be a shot of a 504 on the side of the road in flames. Those cars just go and go and go. It’s the rust that gets them in the end.
Oh how I wish I still have my beloved Peug.
We rented a taxi for a day in Egypt (for that money the cabbies here wouldn’t even lift your luggage) and drove down to Saqqara, to the step pyramid. There were roadside patrols everywhere, but our driver didn’t speak English or French and we didn’t speak Arabic, so I have no idea what he explained to them, or why he had to show them some papers. The 504 was awesome, if without AC, of course, but when we got back to Cairo it croaked about a half mile away from our hotel. I’m sure though, that it was up and running the next day. No rust in Egypt.
Lucky Egypt.
Yeah, there’s something magic about Peugeots. Once you own one, you forever love them. I had a friend who had a 504 that didn’t have a reverse, gear… despite that, he kept it for years. Parallel parking was a bitch though…
I love your new avatar, that must be post-riding in Ben’s ‘stang, I suppose?
Holy shit, Zara, that Gravatar is awesome!
Great, great work, Slade. Hats off to both of you. Speechless.
It is totally awesome, Richrob – I feel like I’m a member of an exclusive club! Slade is officially the ninja king of lightsaber gravatars!
And Stefan – i think it’s perfect for the ‘stang!
Stefan, so now that you’ve put out that Cairo story, which started Isabella in the New World, I’ll have to post it.
Who would have thought that so many TNBers would get into commenting on cars? I thought most of us were too cool for that. Except I knew about Stefan. And me.
yeah, and we’re not cool enough to snub any subject
Stefan: “Is Tom Hansen a pseudonym for Jay Leno?”
I think Leno takes better care of his cars. Those on my list, most ended up wrecked and the ones that didn’t I drove until they were dead
Tom, those are at least ten middling TV-series worth of cars, man. Sigh!
Are pick-up truck drivers over in the States jerks too? Because over here we call them ‘Utes’ (pronounced: youtes), short for ‘utility vehicle’ and man… for the most part, ute drivers are assholes.
Okay – ahem! – “generalization alert” here and the below only represents my experiences.
I think there are wide regional variations but, in my experience, people who have “working trucks” (identified by being beat to crap, dirt-covered, sticker-lacking and usually hauling hay and/or lumber) are no worse than any other drivers aside from actually – and annoyingly, to me – obeying the speed limits. People with clean trucks first raise my suspicion and then must pass the height/sticker/bling litmus test, with a greater number of each raising the chances of them being complete assholes. When I see a guy wearing wraparound Oakleys, driving a waxed, gleaming, dentless “off-road” vehicle on top of a two-story lift-kit and sporting chrome mud flaps and so many trendy bumper stickers that he can barely see out the windows, I just stay the hell away. It’s like looking upon God’s own Universe-assembling screwdriver – odds are good that you will never come across a bigger tool.
And a generalisation alert right back at you – I couldn’t agree more, based on my own experiences.
I think – I’m not sure – I think we’d refer to an SUV as a four wheel drive over here. And don’t get me started on some of the suburban owners of those things.
I know several people who drive “luxury SUVs”. I like to annoy them by… well, by any means possible, actually, so long as it involves getting their vehicles dirty. I’m sorry, I’m a huge proponent of free choice in most everything but “luxury” does not really belong near “sport” or “utility”. It’s just silly.
Yeah, we call most of the truck drivers you describe, Anon, as air-haulers, and they are the ones glued to your rear bumper at all times. The only times they don’t haul air, is when they have their $5,000 bikes in back, or their ATV. I like your description of what a tool is, and it fits perfectly. What also drives me nuts is that these 9 gallons-to-the-mile trucks blast along the highway with only the driver sitting in them. How do I know? Otherwise they’d be clogging the car-pool lane.
Yeah, I’m with you there. I live in the country (in NY) and I see working trucks, but I also see what you describe — the never-got-dirty kind. On the State Route that I live on, the no-work trucks seem to be tailgaters. I always look at them in wonder via the mirrors. You’re tailgating a BMW? You think I couldn’t go faster down this 45 mph highway if I wanted to? But you want to in your lumbering F150? Yikes.
I’ve taken a lot of (I admit it, deserved) heat on this thread about my minivans. But when it came time to give up haulers, I just couldn’t go all the way to a sedan, which is why my Bimmer is a wagon. And I use it to haul stuff, too — plants, bags of dirts, pellets, whatever. Sometimes I call in at a particular BMW enthusiast site and I read in wonderment about guys who spend their weekends carefully washing and waxing and detailing. I used to want to take a picture of my machine loaded with bags of crap, fairly dirty . . . and post it, just to see the response. Of course I’m very careful to look after everything mechanical. But worrying about hauling shit in it, nope.
It’s a working car.
Still, if I won the lottery . . . I don’t know. My son used to ask me what I’d buy if I won a lot of money. Ferrari? he’d say, Lamborghini?
I always said Nope. Plane ticket out to LA, cash in hand, drive back in a nice deuce coupe, small block Chevy . . . that would be my play car. What do I want to go 200 mph for?
You, sir, are the man. I have a brother who is very much into flash and sizzle – we don’t quite see eye to eye on most issues. He used to play that “What would you get…?” game with me and always came away frustrated. We own a CR-V (my wife refers to it as “All the convenience of a minivan but only a quarter of the lameness.” (; – sorry, Don) and I’ve got one of those “working trucks” I mentioned (yeah, I was a little biased). Both owned outright, both do what we need them to do, both have crossed the continent including off-roading over the Continental Divide in a few places (had to be more cautious with the Honda than the truck), both have “character” so I don’t fret new dings. Don’t want anything else.
“…equivalent of a super-mullet, a super-mega-soccer-star-mullet.” is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time.
You made my day!
Aha! Stefan, just saw your light-sabre-equipped pic!
Refresh the page and you’ll see we have another recruit just above Stefan.
Oh Stefan’s is so GOOD!!!
Wow, look at all of those! Fantastic! Simon and Gloria, you didn’t have them last time I checked. Tres cool!