Under the Anchorage Sun
November 23rd, 2008by Sean Carman
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
I have seen a headline reporting that Sarah Palin has scored a $7 million book deal. I’ve also been reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “Eat, Pray, Love.” So when I saw the Palin headline I thought: What if Sarah Palin wrote her book in the vein of Liz Gilbert’s memoir? What if Palin’s book, meant to be an insider’s account of her political 15 minutes, was instead written as a confessional memoir of a mid-life crisis, a journey of self-exploration in an exotic locale?
CHAPTER ONE - I Am Called to History
Well it was a Wednesday, ya know, just an ordinary Wednesday and I was called to fly to Sedona, which as you know is the ranch, that’s where they have it there. I don’t know what they call it, but it’s a ranch that — John McCain, it’s John McCain’s ranch. And so, anyway, I’m going down there because I’ve been invited. This is on Wednesday. And so Todd stayed behind with the kids. And as I get there, this is when my editor says I should describe it because only I was there, and only I can give the insider account of what I was feeling.
So let me say: The Ranch: Boy is it big. It’s a big ranch. Goes on forever, it seems. Also, there’s horses. And they have one of those fences made of wood, you know, like they have in Wyoming. Buck-rail fence, I think it’s called. We don’t have those in Alaska. Alaska is just the wide open spaces, ya know. Not so many fences.
. . . .
I don’t know. Palin seems so immune to any kind of introspection or self-knowledge. I think you could really get at something by having her, perhaps unintentionally, wander into the territory of the travel/ self-exploration novel.
One more thing. I realized, while writing this little entry, that Palin’s name is close phonetically to “Plain.” You only have to reverse the “a” and the “i”. So just think about that. Every time her name was mentioned in the campaign, the subconscious signal it sent to the listener was “plain,” as in, she is plain, and also, she comes from the plains, or is in tune with the plains.
I only mention this so we can leave her behind, and turn our attention to grander things, with one last indication that she truly is some kind of Republican-manufactured evil robot.
That is all.
I really loved this. The idea of a sweeping, melodramatic, mid-life crisis memoir written by Sarah Palin. I find it terribly funny. Maybe it should be written as a comic novel under the pseudonym “Sarah Plain.”
I also find myself wondering if I will read Sarah Palin’s book when it comes out. Something tells me no, as the book will almost certainly be ghost-written. But in the event that she actually takes a stab at writing her own book, I would definitely pick it up.
She is truly surreal.
I hope she leaves all the “g”s off in the book, too. And maybe every few pages has a little character of her winking at you.
Jesus.
7 million dollars.
I shudder to think about what that woman might write about that could possibly be worth 7 million dollars. I mean, if the publisher is willing to let that go as an advance, what are their projected sales??
Who will buy this book? Read a library copy, maybe. But buy it? Keep it in your home?
(Shudder)
If she writes the whole thing herself, I will honestly buy it. Just to see what she says.
No, Brad! Resist!
My new bumper sticker:
Every time you buy a Sarah Palin book, Joe SixPack shoots a wolf from a helicopter, cuts off its front leg, and the state of Alaska pays Joe $150 for the service.
What would the title be? Sarah, Plain and Dull?