SARASOTA, FL-

The global economy, like it or not, doesn’t like you. If you’ve acquired a job in a third world country, congratulations: You’re one step shy of a slave. If you’re an American, you can work, live and die at Walmart, which will soon offer funeral services next to the produce department. Are there, you Americans ask, no careers vouchsafed from the global suck? It depends. Do you possess sticktoitiveness and a can-do attitude? Are you a no-getter? Are you willing to take personal responsibility where you have none? Then the answer is, “Yes!.” Jobs await you, some already available, others waiting in the wings of hell. Love it or leave it, except you can’t afford to leave: Trust me, I tried. Here, then, is the future, and your opportunities within it. I have randomly numbered these jobs, for none are better than the others, though some are worse.

1. Human Golf Hole: I don’t think this requires much explanation. You’ll serve as a human golf hole. Depending upon your gender, there are several options for the lucky office putter. Your only other task is to remove the ball and roll it back to the putter.

2. Handywiper: You’ll take brownnosing to the next level by serving as gentle, fleshy toilet paper. Meanwhile, you’ll have the opportunity of advancement to OCD, for which you would receive disability benefits, except they will have been abolished.

3. Spoon-feeder: Eating on the run or while playing with a BlackBerry is anything but safe. Your duties will be simple: Shove or spoon food into the mouth of your employer. Beware: Eating even a crumb is verboten, and the only doggie bags you’ll see are the ones with which you clean up dog feces, until, that is, you’re forced to consume them…which won’t be long from now.

4. Sick Bag: Often, executives drink heavily before and during flights. Your sole duty is to save the executive embarrassment should he or she vomit. You will bend low and catch the projectile vomiting by mouth, then swallow the truth of just how low you can and, indeed, must go.

5. Happy Ending Provider: Sometimes an executive can’t risk an affair with a secretary, and no expositions or other out-of-town events allow for the procurement of a prostitute from Thailand. That’s where you come in. You’ll sit under the desk and, at the sound of three knocks above your head, do the work to which you know I refer.

6. Wife/Husband Doer: Along the same lines, many executives would rather have sex with a groundhog than their mates. Here, your task could be enjoyable; it all depends.

7. Human Mirror: Soon, a website will allow executives to search for lookalikes. Once you’re been located as a lookalike, your job will be to mimic the Groucho Marx mirror scene in “Duck Soup,” except you will mirror someone else, i.e., your employer. This will allow the executive to check his or her appearance anywhere and at any time, and also to avoid assassination attempts when the world figures out what time it is.

8. Living Footstool: Yes, footstools are common props for the expensive shoes worn by executives, trouble being that those expensive shoes cause wear and tear to furniture. Here’s your task. Assume the position, and don’t move. No more wear and tear, except to your back, which is, so far as the executive is concerned, irrelevant. Hint: Keep plenty of aspirin on hand for this job.

9: Hooblegobbler Holder: Much like the handywiper position, your work will take place in restrooms, only this time you will only serve males. Simply hold the hooblegobbler in hand while your superior urinates, allowing him just a bit more time on the cellphone.

10. Digestive Shredder: Executives and their underlings are often called upon to shred documents, but shredders are not foolproof. You are foolproof, and this job will prove what a fool you must be to bother surviving. In any event, you’ll sit beside the shredder and eat the remnants of evidence, digesting it in a form even the FBI, if it didn’t have less to do, could never decipher.

If all else fails, check my emloyment listings. Otherwise, stop your whining. Jobs await your application and poor-selection-of-font resume. It’s up to you whether to pursue the necessary education (none), maintain gumption (read: “utter lack of self-respect”), suck it up, and suck it.

Tags: employment, finding jobs, globalization

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008 at 11:15 am and is filed under Assholes, Bodily Fluids, Consumerism, Debauchery, Jobs, Nightmares. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.