COLUMBIA, MARYLAND-

While Jilly and I were living in Vermont, we happened upon this fantastic guy named Milton Young. We were both in a J. Lo phase at the moment and, having shortened just about everyone’s name to a J. Lo incarnation, we began calling him M. Yo. It stuck and, three years later, he’s still M. Yo.

A little background on the Young. He’s a super stud, lives in South Glens Falls, NY (shout out!), and works for a turbine engine company. In his off time, he moonlights as a professional gambler and, occasionally, a bouncer-slash-pimp.

The man’s got skills, though he did once lose a rap battle royale to me - the white girl from northern New Hampshire.

What can I say? I’m a lyrical gansta…

So, M.Yo, I just need to get this out of the way - have you been holdin’ it down?

Yes, I am constantly holdin’ it down. It has become a way of life…

What’s your favorite color?

Blackonjilly

I think Crayola should consider making that into a crayon. It would be hot.

You really think so?

I do. So, what’s your favorite curse word?

Bumbo. It’s Jamaican.

How about your favorite type of music and artist?

Ray Charles…when you listen to his music, it almost seems like you can feel his words and emotions at that moment in time. Not many artists can do that…I like that kind of music.

If you could be any animal or plant life what would it be and why?

A male elephant - have you ever seen their…here, just take a look!

Disturbing…so you’d be a male elephant just for the huge schlong?

No…his ears. They are awesome (males tend to have larger ears). I think they are beautiful creatures and the way they use their ears and trunks is so clever. They are fun to watch. What is a schlong? By the way, you never told me you knew German!

LOL…ah, the word schlong…how could you not have heard of that one? I’m surprised, M.Yo. You’re letting me down here. You can make it up to me by telling me if you know how to krump.

Krump? Wow, how many different languages do you know?

Two, though the second is mostly made up. And hey! I’m asking the questions here…it’s dancing, by the way.

Why didn’t you just call it dancing? Why you gotta make everything so sophisticated?

Oh please…moving on. How old were you when you found out Santa Claus was just a big, fat, bearded lie?

This one is painful. I was 5…I asked my father if he had seen a fat guy in a red suit on the roof and he said, ‘No, if I do then I’m calling the police’. Sad, isn’t it?

Yeah…a little. Hey, this will cheer you up - if we had a t-shirt business (I know, me and my crazy ideas), what would you want our first t-shirt to say?

AWARE - get it!?! Brilliant, isn’t it?

I don’t know about brilliant…it’s definitely comical. Would it have a graphic?

LOL…I’m not sure, still thinking about it. What do you think?

Maybe a pair of eyes looking through binoculars, like those old school Neighborhood Watch signs.

I like it!

Now for a really hard hitting, investigative reporting style question - of all the countries you’ve visited, who had the best prostitutes?

Hmmm…prostitutes…look up the Greyland in Singapore…CRAZY…I start itching just thinking about it.

I’ll have to do that, the next time I’m in Singapore. So here’s another really hard pressing question, a must answer: Do you…know the Muffin Man?

That’s that Chinese dude, right?

Maybe…last time I saw him, he was running with some gingerbread bikers over on Drewery Lane…

I knew it! Yeah, that bastard!

Let me guess: he stole your muffins, ran off into the night, and it wouldn’t have been so bad, but they were the blueberry ones you really like.

No…he doesn’t have a father. There was a big article in the papers about it.

Wait…what?

You thought I was calling him a bastard because he ran off with my blueberry muffins. That had nothing to do with me calling him a bastard, that’s all.

Ah…I understand now. You recognize the fact that we’re both severely off-balance, right?

Right.

Good. That being said, is there anything you’d like to add before we sign off?

Yes…

And what would that be?

I would like to first thank God for this opportunity…and to my fans, I am nothing without you…without you, I am like the wind with no breeze and a pine tree with no leaves. I love you…I love you all…and for you haters out there, if you have a problem, I stay strapped like book bags, so BRING IT. Besides, I thought I told you that we won’t stop, I thought I told you that we won’t stop! Oh, and I would like to shoot out to my boy in the Bronx who is in lock-down…stay strong and keep your head on…cause you never know what could happen once those lights go out.

I think that is it, and if I missed anyone…remember, there are three kinds of people in this world - the ones that count and the ones that don’t. PEACE OUT!!!

I LOVE YOU ALL, GOD BLESS!

First of all, you’re welcome.

Second of all, I thought we agreed never to mention Ray-Ray ever again, and that included the occasional shout out. Our landlady in Vermont never forgave us for the helicopter chase through her corn field.

Wait, wait, wait…how did you know it was Ray-Ray?

What, you know more than one boy in the Bronx? That orange jumpsuit really stood out against the cornstalks. He never had a chance.

I know…let’s have a moment of silence.

Yes…a moment of silence for Ray Ray…The helicopter pilot saw right through him.

Why do you keep reminding me of the pain…oh the pain.

I really am sorry…thanks for being interviewed. You’re wonderful - never change.

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 30th, 2007 at 9:29 am and is filed under Humor, Interviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.