Loved this.

“My immense enthusiasm would compensate for any lack of skill (note: this is my go-to policy for most situations in life)” – my philosophy as well. Does it work better for you?

I love this, I needed the giggles and the condom shame description was almost palpable! Yay!

I think the country would be a lot more at ease generally speaking if more people could learn to unashamedly embrace an enthusiastic sex life, instead of all the repressive, judgemental Puritanical nonsense we have to put up with. We’re physically built for it and chemically driven to do it. So do it, already, people!

I’ve heard about MoSEX. It and AMNH are near top of my list of things to see/do if I ever make it out to NYC.

Inadvertant side-effect of this essay seems to be that *high-five* has now been assigned as my code for “I’m gonna score!”

Very well written Matt. Oh, and *high five.*

Uhh…….that’s not a Freudian slip.

I was in my email doing some actual real live work, when your comment response popped up. I’d forgotten about this little exchange and was all “wtf?! getting some and I what in my reproductives?!” Then it came back–ohhhh yeahhhhhh. Too funny.

And I think your husband might object to me seeing your sex shoes.

Wait, that might be cool. Eventually I’d get to know everyone down at the station. They’d be like “S’up, Matt?” and I’d be all “Keepin’ it real, Sarge.” We’d all joke about that time I got arrested just trying to buy some condoms. And maybe they’d let me go on ridealongs or visit crime scenes with the detectives and stuff. That would be awesome.

I was seeing this girl once, who came off as a very girly-girl type. Except we get back to my place, and she chooses Nine Inch Nails The Fragile as our make-out music. Which was just awesome.

And thanks for the read, Jeffrey.

High-five, indeed.

Loved this.

In fact, the first sentence of my novel about Korea originally contained the word “horny” but I took it out. Maybe I’ll put it back, but honesty only gets you so far in life…

And it’s a bitch when your chemistry conspires against you. Endorphins are probably banned by certain religions…

A euphoric moment.

We went to the movies afterward. We returned home from the movies and had sex like two more times. The stamina of youth.

My girlfriend and I didn’t use condoms the first time. We were young. Dumb. Both virgins. I did have some. Luckily my friend Josh worked at a pharmacy after school. He used to hook all of us with jimmies. Every friend should have a friend that works at the Pharmacy. When I have a son one day I’ll tell my own son that: have a friend who works at a pharmacy.

Enjoyed the story, Matt.

You hear that, B&N?

Crickets.

I love this! Such a sweet pride.

Also a great concluding sentence you’ve got there…

It was difficult to even consider following your last. Such kindness and grace, and here I am getting crude.

A confession: I was at that point in time in the habit of saying “Damn straight” or “Fuck no” most yes-or-no questions put forwards.

I love Jonesey’s Jukebox. It was available for a downloadable podcast for a while there.

A bit off the subject, not to mention name-droppy, but…

Crunchy is better because there’s a little more substance and texture to it.

I think it’s cockney slang.

http://www.mtv.com/videos/misc/375192/doug-and-dad.jhtml#id=1615164

Tres confusing!

“Doug, what are these? (holds up condoms)”

“They’re propho’s Dad. I put em on my dinkus when I wanna have sex. Forget it, I’m outta heeeeeere….”

In fact, that makes a good soundtrack to your piece:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gj7e3eAKO5w&feature=related

“O.K. so that’s 1 avocado, 1 copy of the L.A. Times, 3 kitchen sponges, and a pack of rubbers. Will that be all sir?”

I think you’re right, too–Trojan seem to have the best marketing going for them.

Durex (brand of choice–loud and proud) are polyurethane and don’t cause the reaction, and are, I believe, rated higher for sensitivity and safety!

My mama told me, before my first experience, “If he won’t buy a condom, he’s not mature enough to handle sex.”

And hell’s yes to Gloria, for having a favorite sex shop! Mine is Eve’s Garden, a delightfully pleasant and classy studio located in an office building in the middle of New York City. Girl’s gotta have her place too, you know? Too many of those places are skeevy.

But, if you still have your assorted box, your chances of ever having to know are very small!

(goes and takes a long, cold shower)

Tampons and such never bothered me, growing up as I did with two sisters close to my own age and no sisters. I was even sent to the store as a teenager to get them; I think my stepfather got a perverse pleasure out of thinking the chore humiliated me, but I quickly became inured to it. But damn, that first time heading down that aisle for my own sake (and I still don’t quite understand why at least some of them aren’t also stocked with the men’s health items)….nerve-wracking.

Thanks!

Or maybe both.

(and thanks!)

I think after the neurosis passed my brain just went and dumped a crapload of endorphins into my system, so I was probably a little high at the checkout counter.

I get this feeling now whenever I go and buy them. Sometimes I do it just to feel this way for a little while.

And this raises the question: does the discomfort of repeat trips to buy the little ounce-sized bottles really outweigh the discomfort of an occasional trip to get one of the larger ones?

We have freshers week, which basically entails an introduction, a few voluntary activities and free entrance to the SU events. At the end we just sign up for stuff we’ll never do.

I used my week as a holiday.

I wore that coat all the time, even when the weather made it pretty damn impractical. Personally, I thought I looked like a total badass in it. And it WAS good when the weather was fould.

That actually kind of scared me.

I got a few pens and pencils at the freshers fair. I don’t know if you guys have an equivalent— its where all the student societies try and get you to join.

When I moved into the dorms they gave us a bucket (?) containing a pen, a pencil, a lanyard, a disposable razor, and a school t-shirt (which I still have). No condoms, though.

The pharmacy aisles in supermarkets has stacks of them opposite the headache medication.

More flavour variety than the ice cream aisle.

If we ever meet in person Tawni, I’m so gonna high-five you in the name of safe sex!

giggle.

I very nearly added a jar of peanut butter–which I actually needed–to my basket of camouflage goods. I’m glad I thought better of it. Peanut butter plus condoms in a single purchase pretty much equals “sex perv” in the eyes of anyone else associated with the transaction.

Though I have to say, it’s either a very good friend, or a very strange party, where someone asks you to run down to the shops for some condoms so they can slip off and do a little rooting.

“ribbed for her pleasure…. ewwww”

Did some people really need a ¼ gallon of personal lubricant at a time? ha ha ha I’ve wondered the same thing. But then, I think about how unpleasant it can be for some people to buy it. So maybe the goal isn’t to use it all once, but to just not have to buy it again for a while.

“…I was woefully unprepared for phrases like ‘zesty mint’ and ‘ecstasy twist.’” Ha! I still don’t get this…

Please know that I will, from this point forward, begin referring to my vagina as my female reproductive orifice. Let the world envy my fortune!

The whole Columbine thing was still pretty fresh around the time this story takes place, so people were hyperaware of me in public whenever I went out in that coat. I got used to the sight of a plainclothes store security following me around whenever I went to the shopping mall.

I have to say, I took an unexpected amount of pride in using my own money to pay for my own condoms to have my own sex.

Intercontinental air five! Up high!

And a gentleman never f***s and tells.

B&N encourages their employees to upsell books via small talk when the customers are checking out: “Oh, you’re going to read Totally Killer? That book rules! Have you ever read D.R. Haney’s excellent Banned For Life? I think we have a copy in the store.” etc. This was difficult whenever someone was buying sex-related material. I mean, what? “Oh, my girlfriend and I love this new edition of The Joy of Sex! You should try Thirty Dirty Different Ways to Achieve Orgasm. We had so much fun with that one.”

High-five?

Also I totally L’ed OL at “…the full-length black trench coat I wore at every opportunity back in those days…”

The high-five would have put me over the edge, though.

Having enthusiastically made out but studiously avoided going all the way with boys in high school, then enjoying the awesomeness of being queer through my twenties (seriously…women with matching parts who knew what to put where, who couldn’t make you pregnant and who were soft and snuggly with no beard stubble the next morning…dang! that’s some good stuff!), I found myself purchasing condoms for the first time, at age 34.

It’s amazing how intimidating that pharmacy aisle can be, even with 20 years of tampon-purchasing under my belt. I knew where to find the condoms, and could even pretend I had taken a few too many steps past the feminine hygiene section, if I felt shy. But still…

Well played, Mr. Baldwin!

it contained a few pamplets on STIs, a keychain, two condoms and a small bag of sweets…

This is what the words “High Five” call up on the jukebox of my mind.

Ah, youth. I remember when I had to buy them for the first time,
my bf and I bought them together at a 24 hour grocery in the heat of passion.
We ran into the store and knew we should throw in a few more items to make it
look less obvious, so we grabbed this lemon pie near the register.
Think how this must have looked.

High Five!

Oops, sorry, I thought I was still commenting on Duke’s piece and we were talking about porn movie scripts.

But seriously…man, buying condoms is always embarrassing. I thought with the trench coat that you might have tried to boost the box. I was tempted to do that, when I first bought them, but reason won out: the only thing more embarrassing than buying condoms is having your parents come to the store to fetch you after you got busted for trying to steal them.

Brilliant. High five… jesus…

And it’s not me.

You really high-fived the assistant…? That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in a long, long time. I’ve done weird stuff in moments of embarrassment, but never anything like that.

And I’m sure your phenomenal enthusiasm made the night special. We’ve all got to start somewhere, and although girls don’t seem to desire virgin men like guys seek “unspoiled” women, your rampant horniness probably made an impression.

When I first bought condoms in Korea I was hyper-aware of the fact that there is a perception here that white men come to this country to sodomize all the “pure” women and basically spoil the country’s perceived morality. And so it was embarrassing having to go buy condoms. I was set back years after having acclimatised to the trauma of buying those damned things.

And so whenever I go to buy condoms I now buy them in bulk, along with as much beer and liquor as I can carry. Like with your high-five, there’s certainly something about over-doing it that takes away the embarrassment factor.

Needless to say, I had to reach for another Trojan.

I worked at a Barnes and Noble for a little while after Grad School, my one and thus-far only venture into the retail industry. It was always an interesting experience whenever someone would bring a book like The Joy of Sex up to the register. Neither of you really want to make eye contact with each other, but there was always a part of my brain that would think Fuck yeah, dude/girl. You go get some! Unless it was a couple of older folks, in which case, ew.

I blushed for you!

I hope there’s going to be a follow up on what happened that night…?

Man, who can’t love a story like this?
I loved that line up there.
Just the right touch.

and if you said “Damn Straight”
then good grief man.
I’m gonna clap for you right now.

I was thinking of the scene from Trojan War – a 90s teen comedy.
Sorta like this without the high five.

There’s a movie called Summer of ’42 that has a scene in which a kid buys condoms for the first time. I was thinking of that the first time I bought condoms. I blushed so much that the guy behind the counter started blushing too.