For those of you in the dark about 6WMs, Ernest Hemingway once wrote a story in six words (For Sale. Baby Shoes. Never Worn.) and is said to have called it his best work. SMITH has taken this idea and marathoned with it.

With the Oscars just two weeks away (Feb 22nd), some of you may be finding it difficult, in these trying economic times, to fork out the $12.50 on a single movie ticket.  So I present, for your consideration, a condensed review of each of the major* nominees.

All in just six simple words.

BEST PICTURE

“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
The title’s conveniently six words long.

“Frost/Nixon”
Interview that should have failed, succeeded.

“Milk”
Got to 40, but not 50.

“The Reader”
May-December romance: Audiobook coming soon.

“Slumdog Millionaire”
Survives shit creek without a paddle.

BEST ACTOR

Richard Jenkins in “The Visitor”
Never approve sublettors without proper documentation.

Frank Langella in “Frost/Nixon”
His response to Italian loafers? Effeminate.

Sean Penn in “Milk”
Tagline: I’m here to recruit you.

Brad Pitt in “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
Shouldn’t CGI guy be nominated instead?

Mickey Rourke in “The Wrestler”
Not quite sure he was acting.

BEST ACTRESS

Anne Hathaway in “Rachel Getting Married”
‘Becoming Jane’s Addiction is more apt.

Angelina Jolie in “Changeling”
She looked great in that hat.

Melissa Leo in “Frozen River”
All that junk inside her trunk.

Meryl Streep in “Doubt”
14 Nominations.  2 Wins.  Mamma Mia!

Kate Winslet in “The Reader”
Ricky Gervais told her so. (Extras.)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Josh Brolin in “Milk”
‘The Goonies’: still his best work.

Robert Downey Jr. in “Tropic Thunder”
Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Mr. Academy Award?

Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Doubt”
He knows not that he sins.

Heath Ledger in “The Dark Knight”
Only one posthumous Oscar previously given.

Michael Shannon in “Revolutionary Road”
Sorry.  Didn’t see it. Too depressing.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Amy Adams in “Doubt”
Sister Christian, your time has come.

Penélope Cruz in “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”
Since she didn’t win for ‘Volver’…

Viola Davis in “Doubt”
Mother of Altar Boyz-II-Men

Taraji P. Henson in “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
Guardian of geriatric godchild.  Good grief!

Marisa Tomei in “The Wrestler”
This movie’s a whole ‘Different World‘.

BEST DIRECTOR

David Fincher, “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
‘Seven’? Yes.  ‘Fight Club’?  Absolutely. Button?

Ron Howard , “Frost/Nixon”
So much better than ‘DaVinci Code’.

Gus Van Sant , “Milk”
Milking it for all it’s worth.

Stephen Daldry , “The Reader”
See it and weep.  I did.

Danny Boyle , “Slumdog Millionaire”
The feel-good ‘Trainspotting’ of 2009.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE

“Bolt”
John Travolta and Miley Cyrus. Seriously?

“Kung Fu Panda”
Merely a P.C. Hong Kong Phooey.

“WALL-E”
Future’s plight: you oughta wear shades.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” Screenplay by Eric Roth, Screen story by Eric Roth and Robin Swicord
F. Scott’s spinning in his grave.

“Doubt” Written by John Patrick Shanley
I gave up Catholicism for Lent.

“Frost/Nixon” Screenplay by Peter Morgan
Watergate was least of his worries.

“The Reader” Screenplay by David Hare
Illiteracy is not a Jewish problem.

“Slumdog Millionaire” Screenplay by Simon Beaufoy
Is that your final answer, chaiwala?

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

“Frozen River” Written by Courtney Hunt
Baby In Duffle Bag: On Ice!

“Happy-Go-Lucky” Written by Mike Leigh
Enraha. ENraha. EnRAha. EnraHA. ENraHA!  ENRAHA!!!!!!!!

“In Bruges” Written by Martin McDonagh
More fun than wafles and dinges.

“Milk” Written by Dustin Lance Black
Just another day at the biopic.

“WALL-E” Screenplay by Andrew Stanton, Jim Reardon, Original story by Andrew Stanton, Pete Docter
Should have been nominated: Best Feature.

* * * * *

*All apologies to the short filmmakers, documentarians, make-up artists, costume, production and sound designers and editors and all the rest of my fellow BTL homies. Seriously and from the bottom of my heart, I promise, I DO stay for every single last credit and I KNOW how major the role is that you play in the process. xo ~k