For years my grandfather, Irwin Alton Simpson, recited this poem every Christmas Eve, usually after a few shots of whisky. I'm not sure of its origin or when and where he first heard it, but he was an advertising man in Manhattan and, later, the Ad Director for the St. Petersburg (FL) Times, so he knew a ton of bawdy jokes and dirty limericks. (This poem is pretty tame compared to some he knew.)

After he died, the torch was passed to my father, Richard Irwin Simpson, who did an equally fine job, as he was also an ad man. He still recites the poem, even if it's sometimes over the phone. James Irwin Simpson, that's me, will be the next torch bearer.

With much love on this Christmas Eve, I share with you all this poem.

'Twas Christmas Eve in the prison and the warden was walking the halls

Shouting 'Merry Christmas, prisoners!' and the prisoners replied, 'Balls!'

This made the warden quite angry and he swore by all the gods,

'You shall have no Christmas pudding, you dirty lowdown dogs!'

Then up spoke one old prisoner with face as hard as brass,

'Warden, you can take your Christmas pudding and shove it up your ass!'

TAGS: advertising man, bawdy poem, Christmas Eve, grandfather, Irwin Simpson, Jim Simpson, tradition

JIM SIMPSON is an award-winning fiction writer and freelance music critic. A native of the wilds of Florida's Gulf Coast, he now resides on the scruffy fringes of Atlanta, Georgia. He frequently writes about music, with his taste spanning all genres: Bluegrass, Americana, Classic Country, Alternative Country, Western Swing, Blues, Classical, Rock 'n' Roll, Punk, Reggae, Klezmer, and British Isles Folk (to name but a few). He once sang Happy Birthday (with about 10,000 other people) to Joni Mitchell, and has seen such legends as Miles Davis, The Incredible Jimmy Smith, Rockpile, Blue Rodeo, King Sunny Ade, Elvis Costello and Bob Dylan live in concert. He most recently interviewed the members of the bands Elliott Brood and Those Darlins. Jim has been at work on his first novel for longer than he originally planned. If all goes well it should be in bookstores sometime before his death.

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