@

Author’s Note: This is a fictional letter which imagines the sort of letters a pornography review magazine might receive, if such a thing existed. It in no way represents the author’s feelings about the state of pornography either past or present.

Sir,

I’m not sure when it happened, but it seems to me that pornography these days is nowhere near as audio-visual as it once was. Surely I can’t be the only one who misses a simpler, more innocent time of high production values, bushy pubes and fantastic soundtracks?

Maybe the kids of today just take video tapes of depraved sexual acts for granted, and at face value. I am of the age where I can still remember pornography coming in the form of either dirty magazines or out-of-the-way erotica theatres.

It wasn’t until the 1970s that the advent of home video gave us sexual degradation we didn’t have to imagine, but witness first hand in all its grainy glory. This new market was swiftly capitalized on by the sections of society with loose morals and huge moustaches. And lo, the golden age of erotica was born.

It wasn’t just a dirty film, but an audio-visual treat for all the senses! The high production values, ‘stiff’ acting, and the carnal act itself all wonderfully sound tracked by German techno or wailing guitars. I was thirty-four before I knew it was possible to make a girl orgasm without a synthesizer! Thirty-four!

Kids laugh at the classics now, mocking the cheesey dialogue and contrived plots. But, I ask, is a woman having her clitoris in her throat really that much more unlikely than an intergalatic empire fighting swarms of teddy bears in a forest?! Why is it possible to suspend disbelief in one form of entertainment, but then scoff at another? Suspension of disbelief is paramount to the enjoyment of fantasy films.

And as for those that complain that in vintage erotica the women are ‘fat’ (natural) and ‘hairy’ (real) and that it takes a full six minutes before the busty young medical intern even shows so much as a nipple… well, have they not heard of a little something called suspense? Something, which Alfred Hitchcock well knew, heightens the climax.

I suppose they just don’t have those same feelings of nostalgia as I do. In this sex saturated age why should today’s kids get aroused by a glimpse of nipple through a chenille nighty when even that gets a 12a rating in Hollywood blockbusters these days?

Perhaps I’m just one of those old fogies, too set in his ways to embrace change, Brazilian waxing, or interracial S&M gangbangs… Goodness, I hacked into my son’s laptop last weekend and a quick glance at the search history actually made me blush! Gone are the intricate storylines and hilarious innuendo of yesteryear, replaced with hairless blonde harlots with shaven loins and swollen sphincters.

And it’s not even as though this has been for the sake of improved quality! The very same VHS innovation that opened my mind to the joys of male-female fornication is in now such wide usage that any Tom, Dick or Sally can film their activities and upload them onto the world wide web. With such an influx of amateur material it’s no wonder quality control has slipped! Even the studios now present ‘gonzo’ films, putting we the viewers right into the pumping, thrusting heart of the action. Frankly this makes me more than a little queasy— and the camera operators getting in on the action just smacks of unprofessionalism!

In these modern films the leads simply jump right into action with the barest of cursory explanations. If I’m going to witnesses a young waitresses being punished by her manager I want to know exactly what it is that she’s done to earn such a harsh and unorthodox punishment. It is what the viewer deserves at the very least! How can I, as a viewer, get into this erotic situation without the relevant background details? If I wanted sexual pleasure without an element of fantasy I’d just go back to sleeping with my wife.

I have a particular penchant for schoolgirls. In my day it was all cute pigtails and plaid skirts. I tried viewing a contemporary take on my favourite of all the genres of erotica and found it was all denim shorts and funky hair dos. These girls could be anything from off duty cops, receptionists on a dress down Friday or even hookers! How can I differentiate between the babysitter getting spanked for drinking on the job and the underacheiving schoolgirl giving sexual favours in the hope of attaining better grades without the appropriate visial cues?

I don’t want to sound like an old fuddy-duddy, but when I was young pornography wasn’t just gratifying, it was entertaining— these days it’s just filth.

Unarousedly yours,

Sherlock J. Hazlebrook, Tunbridge Wells

TAGS: , , , , ,

James D. Irwin James D. Irwin is a British writer based in the Hampshire countryside. His work has appeared online, in print, and on stage. He can be contacted at [email protected]

132 Responses to “Letters To The Editor: Porn Watcher’s Weekly”

  1. Becky Palapala says:

    But, I ask, is a woman having her clitoris in her throat really that much more unlikely than an intergalatic empire fighting swarms of teddy bears in a forest?!

    Ahhhhhahahahaahahaha!

  2. Don Mitchell says:

    Good job. And is “Tunbridge Wells” used for some purpose? Is it a place name with a history or used for effect in a way a UK person would get, but a US person perhaps not?

    Speaking as one who saw his first “Mickey Mouse” film in about 1958 and has seen the odd modern porn piece — yeah, I’m with your letter writer. The old stuff had recognizable people in it, body hair, pubic hair, the odd wrinkle, realistically boobs, dicks of normal size, plots (however silly) . . . all that.

    On the assumption that porn’s main job is as a masturbatory aid, and on the assumption that the viewer wants to identify with one of the actors — isn’t it better to have the actor resemble an ordinary person? It seems so to me. But I guess the film makers see it otherwise.

    It’s an interesting problem, and it makes me wonder about the popularity of amateur sites. I mean, I wonder if they are very popular. It seems to me that they should be.

    • Thanks Don, and I’m glad you asked.

      Originally I was going to include a footnote explaining why I’d used ‘Tunbridge Wells.’ But if you have to explain a joke then it’s not funny, and so an explanation would be a bit like writing ‘THAT LAST JOKE ISN’T FUNNY.’

      Tunbridge Wells is a very posh, uppity area of England which is associated with letters of complaint. ‘Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells’ is a common comical way to close letters here.

      As for pornography being a masturbatory aid, I wouldn’t know. I’m British. We don’t have porn, we have cucumber sandwiches and tea.

      Here’s a fact that I picked up somewhere: hardly any amateur/reality porn is actually amateur. I don’t know how popular the real amateur stuff is. Not very, I would imagine, for the same reason Hollywood films are still more popular than independent films… everything’s bigger and better…

      • Don Mitchell says:

        How could I have forgotten that the British gave up the abominable habit? I knew they’d taken extreme measures to combat the wave of blindness that swept over Fair Albion after the VCR craze took hold (the young men took hold also, or so I’ve heard). Silly me.

        Yours faithfully,

        Wanker of Tunbridge Wells

        • Sir, you give yourself away!

          No-one in Tunbridge Wells would use the disgusting term ‘wanker’! Maybe the cockney chimney sweeps of the East End, but certainly not in ever so slightly more tasteful part of the realm!

        • Don Mitchell says:

          Sir, I must apologize for my lack of clarity and infelicitous phrasing. I am, of course, employed by a very fine gentleman as his gamekeeper. Should you doubt this, please communicate with my employer, Lady Ottoline Morrell, who will vouch for me.

          Yours faithfully, etc.

          Oliver Mellors (Mr.)

        • there aren’t enough gamekeepers these days…

        • Don Mitchell says:

          Nor cocks for them to manage.

          My commenting foolishness is a nice coincidence, James. As it happens, the piece I’m working on today needs to include a letter from an American to the Australian colonial administrator (the District Commissioner) asking permission to live in a rural area and do fieldwork, and the letter from the D.C. granting permission.

          Lucky for me, I found copies of the actual letter I wrote in 1969 and the D.C.’s response. Lucky because that meant I didn’t have to struggle to render the D.C.’s style and tone (or my own). What struck me about my own style (in the real letter) is that I was trying to imitate what I knew to be the colonial style. In retrospect, I wonder whether the D.C. might have noticed that and considered it an unnecessary affectation.

          He allowed me in, so I guess I didn’t slip up (a la Wanker of Tunbridge Wells) and seem to be anything other than what I was, or annoy him.

        • haha!

          It’s a tricky business, trying to imitate style and tone.

          I wrote a short story last year that was incredibly flawed. Matt quite kindly tore it to part. The major flaw (aside from experimenting in a way that meant it was almost entirely all dialogue with no way of telling who was talking) was that I’d set it in America and then had the characters using phrases that Americans just don’t use.

          Glad to hear you pulled it off.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          @Don: Strewth!

        • James D. Irwin says:

          G’day Sir,

          My names Bruce and…

  3. Matt says:

    Perhaps I’m just one of those old fogies, too set in his ways to embrace change, Brazilian waxing, or interracial S&M gangbangs Bahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    Best part is, I can completely imagine some besuited, uppercrusty Englishman sitting down at a table in some Gentleman’s Club somewhere to compose this letter. In my head he looks not unlike John Steed from The Avengers.

    Though I’ve been an off-again-on-again subscriber to Playboy for the last ten years, I’ve never actually watched a porno. They’ve just never interested me, for whatever reason. Maybe you’ve hit on a couple of them here.

    Speaking of “natural” girls, hardcore porn star Sascha Grey guest starred on Entourage this past week, and did a full-frontal nude scene. The Internet was immediately abuzz about the fact that she had *gasp* pubic hair! I do not understand how sexual beauty in a woman has come to include having a pubic area that looks like a prepubescent girl’s, but–at the risk of sounding like a fuddy-duddy myself–I don’t like it.

    • Thanks Matt.

      Originally this was written from the POV of an American guy. A big part in the change in tone is that mental image. Also, the English are famous for their polite letters of complaint.

      I think the main appeal of porn films are the boobies. There are a lot of them in porn. A lot of general nakedness. It’s all very exciting/depressing/a little of both depending on how bored and alone you are.

      Your comment on pubic hair reminds me of the first episode of Californication. Mulder says almost the exact same thing. Also, Sasha Grey (who should be applauded for the correct spelling of ‘grey’ if nothing else) was interviewed at the AV Club not so long ago, as part of the promotion of a Steven Soderburgh film. It was very interesting, because porn stars are supposed to be thick as shit, and she wasn’t at all.

      • Matt says:

        Yeah, she’s pretty smart. Still haven’t watched The Girlfriend Experience (the film she did with Soderburgh), but I aim to fix that soon.

        I’m all in favor of general nakedness (to my neighbor’s regret, I’m sure). But I don’t think that’s quite the appeal. I think it has more to do with all the fantasy fucking. Let’s face, actual sex just isn’t that sexy-looking a spectacle to witness, unless you have an emotional connection to one of the coupling individuals. Everything about porn is a complete, idealized fantasy (or so I’ve heard), and from what little I’ve witnessed, there is nothing erotic about it. And that, I think, is what’s missing for me appeal-wise: the eros factor. The suspense, as your crankypants alter-ego here puts it. Titillation is not an experience to be undervalued.

        • Apparently the film isn’t any good. I haven’t seen it either, largely because wanting to see if someone’s as good at acting as there are taking it in the ass isn’t really a good enough reason to seek out a film…

          Who doesn’t love nudity?! But seriously, you’re right. Although I think the total fantasy is the point. Most guys aren’t going to fuck pretty nineteen year olds, or even jaded, worn out 21 year olds. And definitely not in a highly improbable scenario which involves not having enough money to pay for pizza.

    • Gloria says:

      Never watched a porno. Never heard Billy Joel. Never tasted coffee.

      Jesus…

      Are you even HUMAN, man??

      • Watching porn, listening to Billy Joel and drinking coffee sounds like a winning combination…

      • Matt says:

        Who said I’ve never tasted coffee? I never said that. I said I’ve never had a cup of coffee. I have tasted it, and what I’ve tasted hasn’t inspired me to pick up the habit.

        • The first time I tasted coffee I hated it. The second time I loved it. Then I went off it again. It’s strange. And now I quite enjoy a cup.

          Gloria— She’s Always A Woman. Because it just re-entered the UK charts. Gettit? RE-ENTERED! Like a penis! Tee hee hee

        • Gloria says:

          Right. And I think “We Didn’t Start the Fire” would conjur up images urinary discomfort that would detract from sexy feelings.

        • That song might be suitable for GILF porn…

          Why yes, that is a spectacularly awful mental image…

        • Slade Ham says:

          @ Matt – “I’ve never actually watched a porno.”

          I call bullshit. No way. Unless you mean you’ve never watched an entire porno… in which case, who has? But never watched porn at all? That’s just crazy talk.

        • Matt says:

          It’s a good think we’re not sitting around the poker table, because you would have just found I’m holding a royal flush when you thought you were calling my bluff.

          I have indeed not seen a porno. I’ve seen bits and pieces here and there (including film class, of all places), but I’ve never sat down and actively made the decision to watch one, on home recording or PPV or otherwise.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          (I feel like I should point out this isn’t a link to porn)

        • Gloria says:

          Very thoughtful of you, Simon. Should I still go ahead and assume that it’s NSFW?

        • Simon Smithson says:

          It’s from Avenue Q, so… yeah, probably.

        • Matt says:

          That would be why the content filters on my work computer are blocking it, then.

        • I totally believe Matt, now he’s conceded ‘bits and pieces.’

          I’m not saying that’s because all he needs is a quick 20 second clip, but because it’s pretty hard to spend much time on the internet without coming across it inadvertently.

          Also Matt has a job and other things to occupy his time.

          Simon, on the other hand, had a job that largely involved watching porn, right? Slade’s a stand up and let’s be honest, there’s not much to do in hotel rooms. And then I’m a 21 year old who doesn’t have a girlfriend…

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Oh, how I loved my porn job. Although I didn’t watch all that much. A lot of it was reviews of sites and other reviews.

        • James D. Irwin says:

          I suppose it’s not really the sort of job where having a reference telling other prospective employers that ‘Simon really applied himself to his work. He is a dillligent worker who would often work late into the night and undertake his own research outside of office hours.’

    • Tawni says:

      *high-fives Matt*

      I agree. The “bare down there” trend gives me the creeping willies, man. It reeks of pedophilia to me. My girl parts haven’t looked like that since I was nine. Because I’m a woman. A grown woman. With boobies and everything.

      I feel the same way about hair on men. I think it’s odd when women get grossed out because a guy has chest hair or doesn’t “manscape.” They’re men. They have more testosterone than we do. They’re supposed to be hairy. Get over it.

      Grumbled the girl fuddy-duddy. (:

      • Willies. Hee hee hee. Boobies. hehe heee.

      • Seriously though.

        Totally weird and peado-y.

        I’m still not totally sure what manscaping is, but it sounds painful. I wash, what more do you ladies want?!

        • dwoz says:

          One of the low points of my life was when I had a serious emergency heart surgery. One of the high points of that experience was being manscaped by a very pretty pre-op nurse. (the point of entry for the surgery is the femoral artery) If not for the vast amounts of morphine derivatives swimming through my veins, It might have even approached erotic. Considering the occasion, it was merely surreal and (Hunter) Thompson-esque.

        • Zara Potts says:

          Oh my goodness, Dwoz. Heart surgery?

        • My first instinct was to say ‘I hope the surgery went okay’ but that seems fairly redundant given that you’ve lived to tell the tale.

          One of my earliest memories is of my grandfather undergoing heart surgery.

          I’ve only ever seen one really pretty nurse. Another example of porn failing to reflect the reality of day to day medical care.

        • dwoz says:

          yeah. I lived. I wrote a short piece about it here:

          http://dwozmak.wordpress.com/2010/06/28/exit-stage-left/

        • awesome, I’ll give it a look.

          Also, the title alone has reminded me that it’s been a while since I listened to Rush…

        • Excellent piece man. (I’m referring to Dwoz here, not giving myself an outrageous slap on the back).

          Nicely written, and yeah, I imagine I’d probably miss all the incredibly obvious signs that something was physically wrong with me until it was very nearly too late.

          It’s weird, my mum and brother will go the doctor/hospital over anything. Me and my dad just pretend like nothing is wrong with us until it’s absolutely impossible to deny it anymore.

          Thankfully we’ve never had to deal with anything serious.

        • dwoz says:

          thank you, James…very much appreciate it. I always zoom in to your posts when I see them come up on the main page.

        • Thanks, that’s a lovely thing to hear. Well, read. You get the gist: cheers.

          New one up tomorrow morning, before I’m forced offline for a few days.

  4. Wait a minute…I didn’t know it was possible to have sex or to make a woman orgasm without the presence of German techno or wailing guitars. In fact, I have a band by my bed, ready at a moment’s notice to play luscious 70′s grooves or techno beats as soon as I jump into bed with someone.

    Sure the drummer rushes the beat quite often, and the guitar player can get a bit loud, but really, that’s the way…uh huh, huh…i like it…uh huh, uh huh. That’s the way…uh huh, huh…i like it.

  5. Gloria says:

    I was thirty-four before I knew it was possible to make a girl orgasm without a synthesizer! Thirty-four! ha ha ha ha ha – if taken literally, this makes me think of a SNL sketch waiting to happen.

    This piece is hilarious and you bring up some good points.

    I think what Sherlock J. Hazlebrook is what I like to think of as girl porn. There’s a whole series of plot-based pornography written and directed by women and from the female gaze. The production company is called Candida Royale. I think perhaps Mr. Hazlebrook would approve.

    Have you heard of the new movie Middle Men? It’s not getting very good reviews, unfortunately, since I think it’s got a great cast. Anyway, it’s the story of pornography’s emergence on the internet.

    Great post, Irwin!

    • Gloria says:

      Jesus!

      That should read:

      …what Sherlock J. Hazlebrook is looking for is what…

    • I’ve only ever seen one SNL sketch. It’s almost impossible to see over here. Even with the internet.

      ‘Girl porn’ reminds me of an episode of 30 Rock, but I think it’s different to what you’re talking about. I’ve heard about female writtern/directed porn. A lot of people think that’s even more perverted, because women should be baking and raising children and sewing hems or something…

      I haven’t heard of that film, but you’re right about the cast.

      And thanks!

      • Gloria says:

        Well, “girl porn” has other connotations too. I went and saw Tom Cruise’s new movie with Cameron Diaz, Knight and Day. THAT is girl porn. Women largely want to be told a story. There’s that ridiculous fucking knight in shining armor mythos that we (American) women are spoonfed and, for me, when that story is coupled with explosions, car chases, and stylized fight scenes, my knees buckle and I get a little sweaty.

        Girl porn. Just as unrealistic as guy porn.

        I should also point out that what I just described is better named hetero-American-girl porn.

        • I like explosions and car chases in films.

          Does that make me gay or a hetero-American girl?

          Seriously though, I think I know what you mean. The appeal is in the element of fantasy. Male fantasy however tends me a little more blunt and overtly sexual. It’s why guys can watch a 2 hour action film and our highlight will be the bit where *insert actress here* is only wearing/like, totally showing/almost showing her ass/boobs/vagina.

          Seriously, when 50 First Dates came out a few of my friends saw it and the only bit they could remember was a scene where Drew Barrymore is wearing a white shirt in the rain and her nipples are visible…

        • Matt says:

          It’s not by accident that in two of the three Spider-Man movies Kirsten Dunst ends up soaking wet while wearing a very sheer top.

        • And what a spectacular non-accidents they were!

        • dwoz says:

          james, it’s possible that you’re a lesbian trapped in a man’s body. There’s usually a valid scientific explanation for the inexplicable.

        • Gloria says:

          dwoz – lesbian porn is distinctly different than hetero girl porn. The main difference being the total lack of men anywhere on the screen…

        • Gloria says:

          different from

          not different than

          jeez.

        • I used to own a pair of dungarees.

          That’s lesbians right? They either wear dungaress and angry faces or they’re pretty, hyper-sexual and Russian…

        • dwoz says:

          I’ve entered into a weird hyper-reality where every gay woman I encounter is either buzz-cut, pierced and lean, or pretty, long-blonde hair and slightly rubenesque. No exceptions.

        • I’ve not seen many real life lesbians. I saw some in a supermarket a few months ago, but one of them was so butch it took a while to confirm that it wasn’t a mildly attractive girl with a short boyfriend who looked a bit like a woman but a mildly attractive girl with a girlfriends who looked a bit like a dude…

          They bought a lot of cheese as I recall.

          So there we go… buzz-cuts, dungarees and cheese…

        • Gloria says:

          Jesus….You guys make “them” sound like animals in the wild. “Today, a young man in Brighton spotted a rare species of lesbian in the produce aisle…”

        • I’m a 21 year old male; as much as I’d like people to think that I’m mature and intelligent, the sad truth is the concept of lesbians still makes me giggle.

          Brighton is the ‘gay capital’ of Britain. They’re everywhere there. Not just in the supermarket.

        • dwoz says:

          actually, my next door neighbors are a lesbian couple, and they have a beautiful little 4 year old daughter, and are just a joy to have as neighbors.

          I’m sure they refer to me the same way that you mention…the suburban used-to-be-cool breeder dude that dresses all conservative-funny for work and doesn’t mow his lawn all that often.

        • I feel I should at this point clarify that I don’t have any problems/issues with lesbians and that I’m only being very silly.

          In fact I encourage lesbianism.

          Especially in conjuction with slumber parti— NO! stop the silly ‘comical’ stereotyping.

          Neighbours. Yes, pleasant neighbours are always a good thing however traditional or untraditional they may be. I’d rather live next door to a well behaved kid with two mums than any of the many awful ‘natural’ families I’ve seen walking around.

          I saw a father the other day yelling into the face of a child who couldn’t be older than three.

          Love is the important thing.

          According to some sources it’s all you need…

        • Gloria says:

          I was totally giving you a hard time, Irwin. I adore your lack of sophistication, but I would never accuse you of a lack of sensitivity.

          Goo goo ga joob.

        • James D. Irwin says:

          Lack of sophistication?! I’m drinking tea in my pajamas and it’s almost lunch time! I’m the epitome of European sophistication!

  6. Jordan says:

    Do you think that if pornography became more realistic again, with more backstory etc., people would be less likely to have to explore some of the less savoury scenarios themselves?

    • Gloria says:

      That’s a great point, Jordan. And I would like to add not having it accessible at the click of a button (and that’s not a euphemism, either.) But I think that the people who take it to extremes are far fewer in number to those who are able to moderate their behavior and keep it in check.

      • oh no! not a serious question!

        Seriously though, I do think pornography should very much be rooted in quite clear fantasy. Not so much for the less savoury scenarios, but more for the sake or teenagers sexual expectations.

        My first exposure to SEX was via some awkward scenes in films I was barely old enough to be seeing, and then a bit later when I found my dad’s copies of Playboy. And that’s fairly tame.

        These days porn is easier and easier to find online, and frankly sought out by kids as soon as they realise that girls are not the sissy enemy but really quite pleasant after all.

        Most porn gives the impression that every girl loves being rammed in the anus very hard, choking on bodily effluence etc etc. An impression that is quite probably not true of real life.

        • dwoz says:

          Thank you, Internet. In addition to the standard script for “the talk” that fathers have with their almost-man sons, we have to add the discussion that no, girls really DON’T like to be treated like that, and you kinda have to wait for an invitation before you start spelunking around in her other body cavities.

        • also repeatedly referring to ‘little panties’ is far, far creepier in reality.

  7. Zara Potts says:

    I recently was looking at some vintage ‘Playboy’ magazines and was shocked at how different women looked in the 70′s. Like you say – pubic hair, natural breasts and a fair amount of cellulite. Contrast them with todays ‘Barbie’ like specimens and they are like totally different creatures.

    When did we decide as a society that women look better totally hairless? My beauty therapist tells me that highest demand for full brazilian waxes comes from teenage girls (usually paid for by their mothers) which staggers me.

    I hope this trend reverses at some point. I personally prefer people (men and women) to look kind of natural. But maybe I’m just old fashioned.

    • I was reading an article recently that put forth the claim that women were more attractive in the ’70s. It’s hard not to agree. There’s just something that much more attractive about naturalness. And it’s horrible when someone really pretty gets a weird nose job or fake breasts and starts looking incredibly alien.

      I’m no expert, but I believe a Brazilian wax leaves a sort of landing strip and that the full on vaginal baldness is known as a Hollywood (because all the porn stars live in… er… Hollywood). Anyway, you’re right to be staggered. It’s very strange. We have all this shit about trying to stop pederasts whilst at the same time parents seem perfectly happy to sexualise their children… with a grooming treatment that makes them look more like children…

      I think the trend probably started after the war in Afghanistan… you know, after everyone turned against Bush…

      • dwoz says:

        If I had to guess, and it would have to be a guess…I’d say that the current aesthetic is almost like a cartoon caricature version of women (and men for that matter. I mean, we can’t ALL have Nine Inch Nails in our trousers, eh?). Realism is about as far from the goal as you can get.

        • if Nine Inch Nails weren’t a band I’m pretty sure it’d be the name of a born site.

          And it would undoubtedly be more popular than Average (size) Joes & Their Mildly Attractive Hoes…

  8. Joe Daly says:

    I was thirty-four before I knew it was possible to make a girl orgasm without a synthesizer!

    Dude… that’s hilarious! I never really cared either way about porn. For awhile I felt guilty, like I should be more titillated by it, but I eventually realized that I could get all the stimulation I needed by watching lions fuck on the National Geographic shows. Wait- did I just say that? Nevermind…

    • Thanks man…

      I’m a Leo, so I’m beginning to wonder if it’s still safe to talk to you… I guess I’m safe. For now…

      I think porn’s demographic can probably be explained with a venn diagram. If you take the bored on one side, and the alone on the other then porn’s demographic is the MASSIVE overlap of the two.

    • Gloria says:

      Wait…whu…Really?

      • Gloria says:

        I’m going to assume you were joking, Joe. (Damn it! It’s the 21st century! Why hasn’t that sarcastic font been invented yet?) But if you weren’t, maybe that 1970s hairy porn discussed above is right up your alley!?

  9. dwoz says:

    I think the “bald look downstairs” is actually a pragmatic solution to an intractable problem:

    What to do when the hat doesn’t match the purse.

    • also it’s the only way to be sure to be rid of lice…

      • dwoz says:

        pragmatism wins the day!

      • Zara Potts says:

        I find it somewhat disturbing, never mind the aesthetics.
        I don’t know why fully adult women choose to look like pre-pubescent girls from the waist down and then above the waist look like malformed dolls themselves with massive tits.
        It’s freakish.

        • It’s obvious Zara: because it’s like, totally Hot!

        • Seriously though, totally agree. Weird kind of Barbie thing going on.

          Airbags are for car safety, goddammit!

          Dwoz— I think it’s a happy accident. Mostly because next to Amsterdam’s hookers no-one gets as regularly checked for infections/diseases/lice as often as porn stars do. Mostly it’s to do with the weird misconception that we males have been sitting here waiting for hairless, outrageously breasted nineteen year olds to degrade themselves on camera to put some thrill into our grey little lives…

  10. Greg Olear says:

    There’s no such thing as an S&M gangbang.

    • great. Now I’m going to have to delete this entire post.

      if that wasn’t bad enough it looks like I can’t even console myself by lazily masturbating over an S&M gangbang…

      my entire weekend is ruined…

      • the tragic thing is that I genuinely googled ‘S&M gangbang’ to try and prove you wrong.

        and you’re right. there’s all kinds of S&M and all kinds of gangbangs, but never together.

        I think I’ve just found a niche to fill. Does anyone have a gimp mask I can borrow?

        • Greg Olear says:

          I was sort of kidding, sort of not.

          Generally, S&M is not about intercourse, but about control. Although that’s BDSM, the more catholic (if not Catholic) term. S&M is sadism/masochism or slave/master, neither of which have much to do with the ol’ in-and-out.

          That said, the niche market is yours for the taking. You need a gimp mask, and about 20 willing (and one feigningly unwilling) participants…

        • James D. Irwin says:

          I always knew that someday, somehow I’d end up founding my own S%M gangbang dungeon. I just didn’t expect it to be so soon…

          Also, I forgot to mention originally that I loved the mental image of you getting to ‘S&M interacial gangang’, spitting out a mouthful of coffee and declaring ‘S&M gangbang?! There’s no such thing as an S&M gangbang! The piece is preposterous! Nonsensical! I shan’t read a word more!’

  11. D.R. Haney says:

    I’m so glad you’re back, Jim. That’s all I want to say for now.

  12. Simon Smithson says:

    Heh.

    Hitchcock.

    Get it?

    Hitch?

    Like, getting married?

    And having sex?

    Heh.

    That’s funny.

    Also cock.

    But more than either of these two things:

    “This new market was swiftly capitalized on by the sections of society with loose morals and huge moustaches.”

    Oh! For the old days.

  13. Tawni says:

    Oh, Irwin. You are such a funny one.

    Best part: “But, I ask, is a woman having her clitoris in her throat really that much more unlikely than an intergalactic empire fighting swarms of teddy bears in a forest?!”

    It took me a second to get both parts of that joke, I’m embarrassed to admit. I stopped and thought about it, then slapped my hand over my mouth, laughing so hard. Nicely done. (:

    • Thanks Tawni!

      I was going to re-write that line and make it clearer. I’m glad I didn’t now.

      Really if anyone should be embarassed it’s me, for displaying a ridiculously in-depth knowledge of both pornography and the original Star Wars trilogy…

  14. Rachel Horowitz says:

    Sadly, I fear my porn knowledge is lacking. While aware of some of the classics of porn, the ‘porn chic’ films, I’ve yet to see more than snippets of such films.

    This article did bring forth a rather strange memory:
    I was recovering from a broken leg during my fifteenth summer (I got into a fight with a car, and the car won) … and I had a few home health aides ‘babysitting’ me. The weekend aide, for some reason I’ve yet to figure (and it’s been twenty-odd years) decided to vividly describe the plot of Deep Throat to me. Descriptive chick, that aide.

    … I still think it’s strange location for a clitoris.

    • Cars always seem to win fights. Even without turning into awesome fucking robots…

      I agree, it is a very strange location for a clitoris, and somewhat contrived given the genre of film. That said it would have been a pretty shitty porno if it had ended with ‘oh no, here it is where it should be. Shall we… like, fuck now?’

      I watched a documentary on Deep Throat. Apparently it was funded by the mafia.

      It’s not all horse heads with them. Sometimes it’s just head.

    • dwoz says:

      It’s clear that the weekend aide just had your best interests at heart.

      Now that you mention it, the current standard location of female genitalia leave many who study design scratching their heads saying “what WAS God thinking…?”

  15. Richard Cox says:

    Sorry to be so late, Irwin. This piece makes me laugh, though. I love the Return of the Jedi joke as well as your savvy knowledge of porn that was being made before you were born. Although I suppose a cursory viewing of Boogie Nights could bring you up to speed. Hahaha. I love that film, btw.

    I’d like to address one point that appeared in the comments. I used to be fairly grossed out by complete baldness “down there,” but after, ahem, encountering it in person, I changed my mind. I think this sort of thing comes down to personal experience and what someone is accustomed to. As far as I can tell, the general trend seems to be baldness for girls under 30, not-as-bald for girls over 30. Probably at some point the trend will change again. A friend of mine wrote a blog where she said the full-on, Forest Moon of Endor bush is making a comeback in bigger cities, but that’s not a development I would necessarily welcome. I imagine most men prefer at least a little maintenance in that area. Haha.

    I’m totally with you regarding the complete lack of story in modern porn. If the point is to (barely) simulate some kind of reality, to believably place one in the fantasy, then some kind of stage-setting is in order. And personally, actors who pretend to be aroused by each other is a nice touch. Like kissing and whatever.

    Excellent post, dude.

    • Gloria says:

      I was once in a heated debate with a guy over pubic hair. I launched into my long winded academic feminist rant about the power dynamic in our patriarchal society and how men just want women who look like little girls because they want to dominate and blah, blah, blah. (You should hear me do this speech sometime; I’m really good at it.) And the guy I was talking to just listened and when I was done he said, “Yeah. That’s all fine and good. But I’m not going to go down on someone if I need to bushwhack my way to her clitoris.” And…well…that’s really all he needed to say. He was great with words. A real cunning linguist.

      • Richard Cox says:

        Well, not to be too graphic about it, but you can keep your pubic hair and still be fairly trimmed around the happy place.

        I agree with your friend. If I need a machete to find my way around, it’s too much for me. But assuming a bare amount of maintenance, anything beyond that is personal preference on the part of the woman. I mean, honestly, on the occasions that a man is fortunate enough to make these observations, he’s already ahead of the game.

      • dwoz says:

        I would offer the observation that “just the right spot” seems to (from my own limited sampling of the population) er…wander…from woman to woman. It’s never in the same place twice. So having to play peek-a-boo with it does raise the bar.

        But, men typically floss for far less time than the American Dental Association deems to be ideal. One bird, two stones, as it were.

      • Ha! Bushwhack!

        Cunning linguist!

        It’s all there. Classics.

        I don’t know where I’d stand on this argument.

        Probably in the corner, awkwardly and trying not to cry with shame…

    • Thanks Rich.

      Honestly: I have never seen Boogie Nights. I really want to, because it looks like a pretty good film. It has absolutely nothing to do with Heather Graham’s attractiveness and everything to do with my love of a well told story…

      Most of my knowledge comes from documentaries that used to air on Channel 4 around midnight. It’s tragic, but people have done more embarassing things in their teenage years.

      • Richard Cox says:

        Boogie Nights is very, very good. Paul Thomas Anderson is a genius. I feel like I should get out the DVD and watch it again right now.

        Everyone in it is great. You should watch it immediately. Forget that I like Def Leppard and trust me on this.

  16. Mindy Macready says:

    Annette Haven she could have been a somebody …she could have been a contender.

    • I had to google her.

      Well, I didn’t have to, but I did.

      And from Wikipedia I gather she’s yet another porn star from a conservative, religious upbringing…

    • Mindy Macready says:

      She was stunningly Ingénue ..she could have been a major Hollywood actress with emphasis on that Kiera Knightly close up that would just melt you…but who knows if she really wanted that..You are right her Wikipidea paints her as a sexual revolutionist …she actually had more decorum than most in the Blue industry…you cannot help but wonder but then you know it is too late for them to even think of serious acting roles with major directors and producers , crossover just did not happen and if it did it had to do with a movie about the Porn culture “Boogie Nights”.

      • James D. Irwin says:

        Boogie Nights was mentioned earlier on.

        Porn does seem more ‘mainstream’ now.

        Girls in porn fascinate me. Not like *that* (well, a little bit like that…) but in the sense that I’m fascinated by the motivations behind entering the indistry.

        Some really are just pretty but stupid girls, but others come from backgrounds where they could easily be doing a more socially respected job, but choose not too…

  17. Tony DuShane says:

    ah, the good old days of natural and hairy.

    amen.

  18. Ashley Menchaca (NOLAdy) says:

    DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!!

    I missed out on all the fun on this comment board too!! This is a fun one! I love talking about this stuff. UGH!

    Anywhoooo, this was an exceptional post and I’m upset that I missed all the fun so I’m going to go pout now.

    • James D. Irwin says:

      I’m sorry you missed it.

      Really.

      Mostly because it would have boosted the comment total and my piece wouldn’t have been overtaken by that Gloria woman! *angry fist shake at Gloria for being more popular*

      Thanks for commenting even after you missed all the fun.

      And sorry my next post will probably be about the English countryside, indecisiveness and will be almost totally boob-free…

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