i am going to rip a bone out of my leg and play it like an instrument,
producing a sound like the one that windows make when a
train rolls by
This is the first line of the chapbook. Reading it now, I seem to imagine a comic strip, broken into maybe three sections, of ‘Charlie Brown’ completing the act described in the line while standing next to a ‘dog house.’ (I have been trying to for two minutes or so, and I honestly can’t think of the word that means ‘dog house.’ I seem to feel afraid to google ‘word for “dog house,”’ due to feelings of self-aware sarcasm/’stupidness’/[something else] that I might possibly feel, if I do, in fact, google ‘word for “dog house.”’ I also might be confusing, or fusing, rather, ‘Snoopy’ and ‘Charlie Brown.’ It is just as likely that I do not know what I am talking about at all re what comic I seem to be envisioning).
When I wrote this poem (‘a list of things i am doing to do’), I remember feeling ‘very satisfied’ with this line as a first line to a poem, in that it set up a ‘pretty easy’ way to continue writing the poem, tonally and stylistically. Each “i am going to…” became kind of a non-sequiter, to some degree, increasing potential to explore multiple topics, ideas, images, etc. while still ‘sticking to’ the same tone and repeating the phrase “i am going to…”
I think I copied, to some degree, the style that Sam Pink uses in his book ‘I Am Going to Clone Myself Then Kill the Clone and Eat It’ in this poem.
sorrow that is beyond opinion and
without ‘concrete reasoning’
This line seemed to be ‘the story of my life,’ to a large degree, during the summer of 2009. I remember feeling like I broke though a wall, or something, when I wrote this line and the line before it. I think I had been sitting in my basement for many hours while clicking aimlessly around the internet and possibly drinking alcohol when I wrote this line.
I remember many occurrences of ‘devastatingly vague’ forms of intense sorrow, and I feel that this line ‘sums up,’ to some degree, what this type of sorrow ‘is’ or ‘is in “word form.”’
* The name of this poem is ‘animal lamp sorrow,’ from which I took ‘Animal Sorrow’ to create the name of my blog. *
i ‘just’ want to ‘lie the fuck’ ‘down’
I remember this line, like the line above, as feeling like a release of sorts, in that the body of the poem leading up to this line deals, for the first time in the chapbook maybe, with ‘larger, more worldly issues,’ as opposed to existentially based thoughts, feelings, and ideas.
This line also seems like a parody of itself, on many levels, in my view, in that the use of quotation marks seems ‘superfluous,’ to some degree, creating a sarcastic, self-aware aspect re my use of quotation marks throughout the chapbook. However, I do feel that the use of quotation marks still seems appropriate, to some degree, on maybe the level before the level previously described. The word ‘just’ is, in my view, a ‘bad’ word to use, because ‘nothing is “just” anything.’ Everything has myriad layers and is an accumulation of everything else ever leading up to that thing. In this instance, my ‘just’ wanting to lie down is not really ‘just’ a desire to lie down, but a desire to retreat from the feelings or things that I believed, at the time, were ‘causing me’ to feel a certain way. The quotation marks around ‘lie the fuck’ also seem appropriate, given that ‘fuck’ is being used in a non-literal sense and I am not actually ‘lying the fuck.’ The quotation marks around ‘down’ are the only quotation marks that do not seem as appropriate as the other quotation marks, in my view, and possibly exist solely to ‘create more layers’ re degrees of self-awareness, sarcasm, and irony.
i want to dismantle every oppressive ideology
inside of me and replace it with
The content of this line seems ‘refreshing’ and ‘less self-oriented, to some degree’ than ~93% of the lines in the chapbook, while still being ‘self-oriented,’ to some degree, and I feel like it is worded in a way that is aesthetically pleasing, both visually and textually, to me.
i want to swallow a blue sky and exhale
slowly, at ground level
I had initially written, in lyrics for a song that I wrote on my banjo: “I want to swallow a blue sky and exhale into your insides.”
This line, as it is now in this poem/chapbook, feels satisfying to me, as something I’d like to do abstractly, but also as something I’d literally like to accomplish in physical reality.
This line, in my view, complements the tone of the poem/chapbook and ‘moves it along’ in a way that feels comfortable, natural, and artistically satisfying to me.
Reading this line now, I remember the rest of the lyrics to the song (which was never to come to fruition and become a ‘real song’), saying something about “cumming rainbows” or “wanting to cum rainbows.”
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