On Saturday, Dick Cheney got a new heart.
That doesn’t require a punchline any more than did the news that he shot his friend in the face because he mistook him for a deer. But that doesn’t mean writers of late-night monologues didn’t spend all weekend cranking out heart transplant jokes.
On Monday, your favorite late-night talk show host — I picture Jay Leno, although I’m a Colbert man myself — will mug at the camera and begin, “On Saturday, former vice president Dick Cheney had a heart transplant.”
Then he’ll pause, and he’ll grin, and he’ll say…
10. I didn’t know he had one to begin with.
9. Is the new one made of stone, too?
8. One thing’s for sure: the old one wasn’t bleeding.
7. So now George W. Bush is having the surgery, too.
6. I’m told that Santa will use the old one to put in the stocking of a particularly naughty child.
5. The old one was then sent to an undisclosed location.
4. So to all you haters who thought he’d never have a change of heart…well, ha ha.
3. There was a moment during the surgery when the old heart was removed but the new one not yet in the body. At that moment, Dick Cheney was not just figuratively heartless.
2. They wanted to replace his soul, too, but he sold that bad boy a long time ago.
1. It took longer than scheduled, because it took them a good hour to get through the breast plate. (Show ‘em, Jimmy):