It’s Hard to Ignore a Pile of Stupid Balls in the Neighbor’s Yard When They’re… Just… Right… There
May 22nd, 2008by Greg Boose
CHICAGO, IL -
Having a back deck is an amazing thing.
It’s a spot to enjoy the sun, have dinner and drinks, read in your own private breeze, and if you’re up high enough, it’s a spot to spy on all your neighbors without really feeling like a spy.
To be a one-man neighborhood watch, is how I like to think of it.
So when I take a cup of coffee and a book out to my back deck, it’s not hard to understand why I pause to enjoy the view.
To make sure all is well.
To make sure that the neighbors directly behind us continue to keep their pile of ugly balls in their pristine back yard.
The owners of this yard are out there all weekend, every weekend.
Edging.
Pruning.
Planting.
Mulching.
Weeding.
Hands on hipping.
And yet, as the couple walks around their yard to see what else they can possibly beautify, they keep this pile of ugly, sun-bleached balls right there.
I can’t handle it.
I know it’s none of my business and that I should just stick my nose in my book and forget about the fact that this old couple haven’t moved these ridiculous deflating balls since I moved in across the alley in the final days of February, but I can’t.
If they had kids, then okay: Kickball
If they acted like kids, then sure: Slow kickball
Or if they just moved them around once and while - piling the balls in different places in the yard - showing me that they are aware these balls exist, then I would feel slightly better: Collectors of stray balls
But they just keep working away out there, leaving the things be.
Right.
Next.
To.
The.
Replication.
Roman.
Statue.
I’m sure I’ll break down soon and just start up a conversation with them, me up on my deck barking pleasantries to them working diligently down in their yard. And I’m sure in the middle of the conversation I’ll finally ask, “Say, I can’t help but notice from up here you’ve had that pile of those balls in your yard down there for months now… what’s going on there?”
But what I’m not sure of is if I want to make friends with people who are so obviously insane.
G - totally something I would notice and obsess over as well. Love the pictorial evidence too. Looks as if they move the balls around often, which leads me to believe they really do think of the pile as some sort of bleeding edge lawn fashion. Regardless: It. Just. Doesn’t. Make. Sense.
Hey Mike - I think the two different angles just look like they’ve been moved. Because I just went outside to to check to see how everything looks, and… all is the same.
Bleeding edge lawn fashion. I like that. A lot.
You should ask them about their old balls. No seriously.
It just doesn’t matter what you write, Greg, it always comes out right. I was laughing inside and out reading that. Those balls might not be interesting in that yard, but you made them interesting!!! It has always been the ordinary things out of place that are fun to me…it’s one reason that I love your writing. It seems to me that you view the world in much the same way! Thanks for another good read!!
Hey Greg:
While you’re talking to them about those balls ask them about that place on the lawn. It’s just up a stretch from the bird bath. Looks like they missed a spot while mowing.
Lazy bastards.
Oh come now Rich, clearly that’s a shrubbery.
You saw Invasion of the Body Snatchers, didn’t you? Move away now!!!!
I agree with Tarek - it’s annoying but necessary to ask them about their old, sun-bleached blue balls.
It might also be a good idea to throw a red ball or even a ham sandwich into the mass of balls in order to put some pressure on them and see how they handle it.
Also, your “To make sure all is well” line just made me laugh out loud as I got a mental picture of you strolling out there with your coffee and surveying the yard, nodding and checking off items internally as you scoped the premises.
Great stuff. Keep monitoring - and don’t forget to ask about those balls.
Do you think those are all the balls that neighbourhood kids have kicked over their fence? Maybe they’re keeping them to taunt them.
I think it’s a trap. The shrubbery is covering a big ol’ bear pit. Don’t get too curious, Greg.
Lawn feng shui, perhaps? I love odd collections like this, and I love hearing other people’s obsessions. 10 pts for using “break down” in your post
knock knock
“Oh, hello Mrs. Neighbor. I saw your husband out in the back yard just now and I was wondering if I could ask you about his old blue balls.”
Yeah, that sounds like a good opener to me.
Good luck with that GB
;^)
Oh, all the potential jokes about balls. Priceless.
Greetings from Atlanta - thanks for all the comments and I’m glad you enjoyed my little rant.
I can’t wait to go home to see if they’re still there.
I want to push over those two tall columns.
You should throw balls over in to their yard and add to their collection to see if they notice.
All these great suggestions and desires… I like it. Maybe I’ll just steal over there in the middle of the night and place each ball ten feet apart from the next, creating a mysterious galaxy in their yard instead of the blackhole they’ve got going on.
Boose- I thought more about your nice posting on the odd balls. My suggestion… Danger Touch Part Two.
Now there’s a thought.
Please don’t take offense to this, but you are way too hot to be obsessing over this stupid crap. How did you end up with this blog anyway? My suggestion — instead of spending time worrying about your neighbors or your girlfriends apartment, go have great sex. Or learn a language. Or travel. Or meet people. So, let the angst go, close down the blog and, I don’t know, be happy or something.
I disagree with Jennifer. Not the part about you being hot…or whatever. I think you should keep obsessing over things like this. Your brilliance is subtle. Like the subtleness is really subtle, but it’s still there. Know what I mean?
Hey Jennifer - I hear what you’re saying. What you should know, though, is that I am a very happy individual who is loving life right now. But the name of the site is “The Nervous Breakdown” and I try to publish stories on here that reflect that kind of title. I appreciate you reading some of my work, but please don’t worry about how I’m livin’.
Ken - thanks, dude. You are too kind.