The Beat Generation: 50 Literary Euphemisms for Masturbation
January 19th, 2008by Eric Spitznagel
ST. AUGUSTINE, FL-
1. Blurbing yourself
2. Burying the lede
3. Coaxing Salinger to come out and play
4. Coming up with a gripping plot twist
5. Cooking up a big batch of Victory Gin
6. Dangling your participles
7. Deconstructing The Fountainhead
8. Dipping your madeleine into Proust’s tea
9. Finishing the first draft by hand
10. Freelancing for the glossies
11. Giving it a first pass
12. Giving the protagonist some internal conflict
13. Giving your narrative a Faustian theme
14. Having a strong opinion in your writing workshop about the power of symbolism
15. Hunting for treasure in Injun Joe’s cave
16. Interrogating JT LeRoy and his five accomplices
17. Jack Kerou-whacking
18. Launching a ship to the holy city of Byzantium
19. Listening to Portnoy complain
20. Looking for clues with Tintin and Snowy
21. Mangling the English translation
22. Mixing your metaphors
23. Oliver’s Twist
24. Palahniukin’
25. Paying extra for the hardcover
26. Paying the bills with a hack novelization
27. Paying yourself in contributor copies
28. Polishing Nick Hornby’s head
29. Pottering your Chamber of Secrets
30. Print-on-demand
31. Proofreading the galleys
32. Putting out Polyphemus’ one good eye
33. Querying the editor
34. Reading poetry aloud
35. Recouping losses incurred by the Publishers Group West bankruptcy
36. Saying yes, yes, oh god yeeeeees to Ulysses
37. Shooting at Joan Burroughs with your flesh musket
38. Shooting your own author’s photo
39. Signing the first edition
40. Skimming the Cliff Notes
41. Slapstick (or: “Lonesome No More”)
42. Spanking the Monkey (or “Spanking Arthur Waley’s translation of Journey to the West“)
43. Splitting infinitives
44. Stocking the remainder table
45. Tap-tap-tapping at your chamber door (only this and nothing more)
46. The other lonely impulse of delight
47. Touring Rosings with Mr. Collins
48. Transforming Gregor Samsa into a monstrous vermin
49. Using the passive voice
50. Varnishing your Booker Prize
eric,
good list. how long did it take to come up with that?
the better question is - why?
then again, why not.
my personal favs are 3, 7, 17 and 24 - the ones that word play with writers or lit characters. the gregor samsa one is pretty funny too.
some other potentials:
– embracing the dangling modifier (i know, a take on number 6)
– dotting your I’s (women only)
– emailing e.e. cummings
– polishing up the final draft
– typing one off
– burrowing william’s burrough
– clicking send
– chuckling the bukowski
– trout fishing in your writing room
– bearing the lightness of being
– manufacturing consent
damn. it’s hard to come up with good ones.
i just realized that i have way too much time on my hands. that said, i’m just gonna go consider the lobster…
So this is what you spend your days doing.
Good grief! (That could be #51.)
Funny - naughty but funny - so you
- blogging -
(is this what happens when one spends too much time with the hedgehog?)
Phlogging
P.S. How’s St. Augustine?
Did more than one spit take while reading this, Eric.
Favorite: Print-on-demand
Collaborating with the Hedgehog
Fondling your one contributor’s copy.
Nice one, Eric.
Nice one.
Submitting your manuscript.
Developing the narrative arc (rising action leading to a climax).
Earning that cliche.
Giving your story a happy ending.