In the mid-1990s, a massive seismic shift took place under the cultural landscape of South Korea, almost immediately causing a phenomenon known as the “Korean Wave”, or Hallyu (한류).
The Wave – believed by some (Korean) experts to be the most powerful force on earth – has swept outwards from the peninsula, engulfing whole nations, and sparing nobody… Nobody but you, America.
That is, until now.
If you are presently living in the United States of America then I hardly need to tell you that on January 31st, 2012, your nation was struck by the full force of this Korean Wave (although by this time, having gathered pace in its consumption of China, Japan, and most other nations, it might be more aptly described as a Korean Tsunami).
Of course, there had been early warnings. Baby Korean Waves had been lapping upon the shore for years, carrying away only the youngest and most vulnerable, and posing no significant threat to America as a nation. Consequently, these early warning signs were ignored.
But like 9/11 in 2001, 1/31 in 2012 will never be erased from American memory, as yet again the continental United States was paralyzed by a devastating, unforeseen attack from forces trained within allied territory.
On this fateful day, one that will live in infamy, Girls’ Generation became the first K-pop “artists” to perform on American network television. Among their fans, and believers in the superiority of Korean culture, this event has been proclaimed as a pivotal moment: when the crest of the Wave broke simultaneously on both coasts and began its inexorable roll towards the American heartland.
So as America wraps up its operations in the Middle East, all eyes are now on the Korean peninsula. The enemy is once again a shifting, hidden force that will be virtually impossible to defeat. Records show that these attackers surgically alter their appearance, wear wigs and several inches of make-up, change their clothes hourly, perform in groups so large that they could be considered armies, and brazenly imitate America’s own beloved celebrities. Thus, pinning down these enemy forces will not be easy. Experts claim that they are recruited at an early age and then trained to be utterly replaceable and indistinguishable from their peers; often retired at an early age, and never heard from again. It is even rumoured that when one band disappears, another two will take its place…
America’s only hope is that its people and politicians can unite and, working with their allies in South Korea and Japan – where the enemy is known to be at its strongest and most influential – come together to neutralize the threat, not just for the United States, but for the benefit of humanity. Humanity, however, seems doomed as our cultural commentators admit that our present artillery is ill equipped to fend off any sort of attack, when we have little more than Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian with which to defend ourselves.
National security must be increased. Traitors like David Letterman, Regis and Kelly, and the producers of MTV will likely be detained at Black Sites around the globe, where they will be reconditioned by being subjected the most brutal heavy metal that freedom has produced. The men and women responsible for allowing the Wonder Girls to poison our youth will most likely be executed for their crimes.
Private citizens must also be alert to the early warning signs of a second Wave of attacks. Signs may include kitschy ring tones, unnecessarily cute poses for photos, and finally an uncontrollable urge to watch dramatic videos about women crying while men throw things through windows in slow motion. Some people even suggest that before long, the nation’s t-shirts will be filled by bad English, men will be adopting plunging neck-lines, and that women will be wearing mini-skirts well into the winter months. Eventually we will be begging for a return to airwaves dominated by Bieber, but by then Bieber will have been adopted by a 36-member supergroup and will be recording his fourth Japanese-language album.
Of course, by now it may be too late. Sources in Seoul, Daegu, and Busan unanimously agree that the Korean Wave has finally consumed its ultimate target, the United States of America. Early operations in Asia and Latin America were mere trial runs – warnings, if you will – for this end goal of world domination. Statues are being erected as far North as Pyongyang – where Kim Jong-un is said to now be considering unconditional reunification – of David Letterman, the man responsible for allowing Girls’ Generation into the homes of millions of innocent Americans.
However, word has come from the resistance that it may not yet be over. They say that not every American was won over by the performance. Apparently much of the American public didn’t react well to a nine-member group of what appeared to be untalented juveniles dressed as prostitutes, utterly indistinguishable from one another (on account of their attire, rather than race – let’s make that point clear), trying and failing to be sexy, and pointed to a glimmer of hope in the obvious confusion and apprehension seen on the faces of Letterman, and Regis and Kelly, which is likely to have inspired doubt in the hearts and souls of viewers across the nation. Most importantly, experts have pointed out that the attack was not as devastating as it could have been. Military musicologists have explained that Girls’ Generation only played their new song, “The Boys”, which delivered a relatively minor assault on American sensibilities. If they had played their classic, “Gee,” we might not even be here to discuss the matter.
So as victory is declared on one side of the world, in America they are once again gearing for war, showing a national resilience that may allow the nation to recover from its darkest moment. The question, though, remains: what now for the world? The Korean Wave has come so far that it will take a globally concerted effort to rid the planet of its toxic fallout. China, Japan, Thailand, and Malaysia are all but lost. President Obama will soon denounce them as the new Axis of Evil, and has already begun seeking allies in the isolated areas of the globe which K-pop has yet to penetrate.
For more information on the evils of K-pop, see my old TNB post.