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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE.

Dear iPad user;

iDrain Productions is pleased to announce our suite of new applications: iBlank from iDrain

iBlank has been fully optimized for the Apple iPad2 and will arrive like a blitzkrieg of futurity, a torpedo of truth, a laser beam of luminescence…at the App Store on the day after tomorrow.

iBlank. iBlank. iBlank.

Improved over its gutter-licking and formless iPhone counterpart, this hot new app suite—iBlank—isn’t just for use at the places we know you frequent, the magazine rack at Walgreens, the 7-11 lottery counter, your kid’s soccer games in a half-hearted attempt to appear parental, and the lunch counter at the Addison, IL sex club. No, it can work wonders during your efficiency meetings or while you take in a lunchtime video porn-viewing session.

Seriously, iBlank from iDrain feels better than an orgy of real Indian curry dishes, better than hanging at the Cracker Barrel with your BFF—loneliness—in hopes that the sound of the rocking chairs on the cement veranda will drown out the ugly from your small and embittered life.

Hey spud, pull back from the precipice of social-networking exile. That’s right, the iBlank suite will let you cast off the shackles of a world that has repeatedly marginalized your great ideas—remember the sentient toaster?—and let you go from shrinking violet to awesome carnivorous plant that only coolest lady flies want to land upon in less than the time it takes to cheat at Angry Birds.

Here’s what you get with iBlank:

1) iPoop: This is the killer app for state-of-the-art colon-regularity. Just track the subtle micro-movements of your breakfast through the duodenum, jejunum, and ileum as your personal defecation app lets you know—seconds in advance—that it’s time to drop a chocolate cobra.

Autosync with “whisperfudge” technology to monitor your rate of success as you dump the organic depth charge, plant a steaming bouquet of brown roses, and honk out a dirt snake.

iPoop syncs with your Google Calendar to and Contacts for today’s on-the-go business-shitter.

2) uLook: Tired of getting absolutely no attention from packs of barely pubescent teenagers who completely ignore you in the mall? Are you like, hey, I’m getting off this escalator so maybe you inconsiderate fucks can take your posse at least two-feet back from the disembarking area so my wife and I can actually make our way to the theater, and I don’t know what we were thinking, honey, to try and see this piece-of-shit romcom on a Friday night after paying for the babysitter and the movie and the popcorn you insist on getting…but not alone, oh no, you want the entire combo-pack, the #7, which includes a ginormous and I mean truly colossal tub of butter-slathered popcorn and a drink so voluminous that our children could probably go swimming with their orange arm floaties and still have room to bathe the dog.

Oh, and don’t you dare tell me you think you look fat tomorrow because this thing comes with a box of chocolate raisins that makes most regular size boxes of raisins look like grasshopper coffins at some crazy Bizarro World Arlington National Insect Cemetery.

So, maybe, just maybe, you could think about downsizing to a smaller…honey? Babe? Where you at? Shit, she must have gone into the theater already, or I don’t know maybe she left. Oh, cruel fates! Would somebody tell me what’s up? Hey you…kids by the escalator cutting in front of me in line. I am here. I am a person. Would someone look at me?

That’s it, time to use my uLook app from iBlank!

***

And that’s not all, the iBlank suite comes with two apps optimized for use without an iPad.

3) ThinkBook from iBlank: Sure, Facebook let’s you follow your friends, post your status updates, farm your own small plot of meaningless virtual dirt, and stalk your high-school crushes…all from the comfort of your portable device. Finally, iBlank has taken the same concept and miniaturized it into an embedded brain service. That’s right, Einstein, Thinkbook runs on a “GreyMatter” server tied into your brain.

Forget the “Cloud,” ThinkBook from iBlank lets you expand your social network and maximize your contacts in order to leverage your profile, all from the comfort of your on highly evolved tissue. “Mind-friend” someone right now, comment on a lolcatz video, or post “happy birthday” messages set to automatically repeat, years in advance. You’ll be reminded by receiving a ThinkBook migraine when your message is delivered.

ThinkBook from iBlank also allows you to hook a 9-volt battery to your spinal cord for additional processing speed.

4) BlooTeeth from iBlank: Designed for use by the world’s most dental-exclusive CEOs, this app turns your teeth into a 10GB storage device and the world’s most powerful PDF reader/editor. Get your company’s annual report downloaded straight to your bicuspid and really chew on last year’s numbers.

Toothache? BlooTeeth app from iBlank sycs with your tooth decay to increase storage space and download speeds. A new filling of our patented BlooTeeth from iBlank technology uses nanotech white resin bonded to a Dycal compound containing calcium hydroxide mixed with amplifier drives to not only stimulate the dentin and regenerate dental pulp, but also to let you stream films such as Hot Tub Time Machine via Netflix, while chewing on the awesomeness of your tricked-out grill.

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iBlank from iDrain Productions is the 22nd-century app suite served up in the 21st century.

Better yet, iBlank from iDrain will share real-time usage data through ThinkBook from iBlank, so your “Mind-friends” can automatically view newsfeed stories about your colo-rectal activities, share the hottest Eyetube viral links, and store and save all your backup data in the array of 32 adult human teeth that you thought were good only for eating hydrogenated snack foods.

iBlank is the real-time “all-life” service that let’s you stay connected, get buff, and finally get some tech-age action. All this, for a free 10-minute trial, before upgrading to the full version.

If you’d like to speak to our CEO, Mr. Washington Jefferson Lincoln Qui, about the iBlank suite (including iPoop, uLook, ThinkBook, and BlooTeeth), he will take your question during a live ThinkBook chat to take place on the edge of your nerve endings.

So, spread the word.

Better yet, spread the think!

iBlank from iDrain: better living, faster doing.

 

*Thanks to Kevin C. Tofel’s post, “Exclusive — iPad App Press Release Generator” for a press release model of sorts.

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Davis Schneiderman DAVIS SCHNEIDERMAN is a multimedia writer and scholar whose works include the novel Drain (TriQuarterly/Northwestern); the DEAD/BOOKS trilogy (Jaded Ibis), including the blank novel, Blank: a novel, with audio from Dj Spooky, and the forthcoming [SIC] (Fall 2013), with images from Andi Olsen and audio from Illegal Arts acts Oh Astro, Steinski, Yea Big, and Girl Talk; and the audiocollage Memorials to Future Catastrophes (Jaded Ibis). His co-edited collections include Retaking the Universe: Williams S. Burroughs in the Age of Globalization (Pluto) and The Exquisite Corpse: Chance and Collaboration in Surrealism's Parlor Game (Nebraska, 2009); and The &NOW AWARDS: The Best Innovative Writing (vols. 1 and 2). Schneiderman's work has appeared in numerous publications including Fiction International, The Chicago Tribune, The Iowa Review, TriQuarterly, and Exquisite Corpse; he blogs for The Huffington Post and is a Contributing Editor for The Nervous Breakdown. He is the Director of Lake Forest College Press/&NOW Books and Incoming Associate Dean of the Faculty and Director of the Center for Chicago Programs at Lake Forest College. He can be found, virtually, at davisschneiderman.com

5 Responses to “The Killer iPad2 Apps: iBlank from iDrain”

  1. pixy says:

    i applaud the expressions you’ve listed here for taking a shit. well done sir.

  2. ‘Tis nothing less than my American duty.

  3. Greg Olear says:

    Well done, Davis. It’s only a matter of time…

  4. [...] No, not the future where the entire Net becomes internalized into our teeth and physical structure as I prophesy right here. [...]

  5. [...] No, not the future where the entire Internet becomes internalized into our teeth and physical structure as I prophesy here. [...]

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