HUMOR
Let It Snow!PRAGUE, CZECH REPUBLIC 12 December 2009 |
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Global warming. I will use those two words over and over again in this posting, because what I am about to explain is so important for the future of America that I want to be sure every Internet search engine out there is listening. (Well, okay, I should be using anatomical slang words for that purpose; but this is a serious literary website now, so I can’t.)
Many Americans know where Copenhagen is, and they have seen a story or two in the news recently about a big global warming conference being held there. Even more people have heard about a scandal in Great Britain where scientists were using that old-fashioned English system of measuring things with stones and coming up with the wrong climate data.
The crucial difference between those events and what I am going to tell you is that I will not rely on lots of complicated data about abstract things like carbon emissions. (Have you ever even seen a carbon emission? Is it supposed to be like a fossil fart?) No, the real story about global warming relates to something you can actually see and feel.
It’s about the snow.
And, just so we understand each other right away, I am not referring to the banal kind of snow used to make water and help crops grow when it melts. That’s what politicians and scientists talk about endlessly to distract us from the scarier side of global warming.
Here in Europe, people are much more likely to appreciate the true danger posed by global warming, though not because more of them know where Copenhagen is located, nor because they have a fancy metric system. As even the smallest child in the most remote Swiss mountain village can tell you without stopping to read a newspaper story filled with meaningless quotes and statistics, global warming is about snow.
And snow is about skiing.
Now, before you dismiss the geopolitical significance of skiing, there are some crucial facts you should consider. First, with global warming likely to eliminate major snowfall below 2,000 meters within 15 years, there are only a few countries whose glaciers sitting at 3,000 meters or higher will allow them to retain a strategic skiing advantage.
One of these countries is Switzerland. The Swiss are neutral, and who can say whether they will even allow foreigners to ski in their country once the global warming crisis hits? Could this be the actual reason why everyone in Switzerland is part of the nation’s military reserves — and why defending mountain passes is a cornerstone of Swiss defense plans?
Another country — the one with more skiable territory above 3,000 meters than any other in the world — is France. I think we can safely assume the French will never join the coalition of the willing when it comes time to ride side-by-side on the ski lift with Americans up to freedom’s highest heights.
At this point you may be asking, “Why should I care about a sport that’s just for rich people anyway?”
That is precisely the other critical aspect of skiing in the global warming equation: It’s about economically advantaged, mostly white people. What more important demographic could there be when it comes to cutting back on those pesky carbon emissions, whatever it is they’re supposed to be?
Just as raising gas prices above four dollars a gallon is one of the few ways to modify the behavior of this key group, so is highlighting the danger global warming poses to skiing. After all, those are ski racks on the roofs of their SUVs. (For those with gun racks, emphasizing the France angle of the story will, of course, be essential.)
Our media is full of reports about the effects of global warming in the developing world. But are yet more images of flooded rice paddies in Asia or drought-stricken villages in sub-Saharan Africa truly going to make a difference in how we American consumers/polluters behave?
What we need are more scenes of crying white kids standing forlornly on barren slopes, their skis covered in mud; of snowboarding teens with nothing to do but sit in the middle of a rocky piste and toke on a joint while listening to their iPods, because there is no snow for them to fall into over and over again; of sneering Frenchies sipping wine, eating cheese, and snuffing out their cigarettes in the face of a snowman shaped like the Statue of Liberty.
It’s time to wake up and understand what’s going on. Europeans aren’t ahead of us in using green technology and driving those tiny cars because they care about how global warming will affect islands in the middle of the Indian Ocean. They know about the importance of snow, and they’ve got complete control of the Alps. As Louis XV said, “Après ski, le déluge.”
If we’re going to win this war on global warming and preserve our American way of life — they don’t call it freestyle skiing for nothing — we need a surge: a ski surge. Stop complaining about shoveling snow and start realizing what snow represents. If you’re going to drive somewhere, head to a ski resort and teach your children the truth about what’s happening in this world.
While the schools fill their heads with nonsense about carbon emissions, you can tell them on the ski slope how that little helmet they’re wearing and the pointy sticks in their hands make them soldiers in the fight that matters. (Just, please, stay away from wherever I’m skiing while you do it. The crowds are bad enough as it is, and kids on skis can be a real pain in the ass…)
There’s a storm coming, America!
Let’s make sure it’s a snowstorm.
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But *I* don’t ski, D, what does global warming mean for *me*?
I can see the picket signs: “Neutralize the French threat now! Recycle!”
“Declines are a human right!”
The headlines: “As resources become scarce, many forced to take up mudsledding.”
“Little Russian flags turning up atop knolls across the planet.”
Hey, why do you think so many countries are trying to stake a claim in the Arctic and Antarctic regions?
Almost everyone’s views about democracy are reflected in skiing:
“It’s an uphill struggle.”
“Everything’s going downhill.”
“Why do we have to wait so long?”
“All these idiots are getting in my way.”
I say that one a lot when I’m skiing.
Your approach actually makes some sort of sense; but like Becky, I don’t ski either and right now all the shoveling is enough to make me feel like the powers that be (in a higher meaning of this word) are trying to lead us into the new ice age. At the very least “they” are overpowering us with S.N.O.W.
We’re having snow envy here. All we get is rain.
This is silly. Cant we just solve this with a several thousand diesel powered snow makers?
If and when things get really bad, I’m all for the investment of whatever resources are needed to keep the ski lifts running. We’ve got to keep our priorities straight.
I’ve never actually been skiing – not properly, anyway. I’d be happy to give my likeness to a poster of a lone Australian staring forlornly at a barren slope. Maybe with the word ‘WHY?’ superimposed across it.
Sure. Just to cover all the bases, though, we’ll pose you with a couple of ski bunnies.
Unlike most Americans, I don’t hate the French, so if skiing causes them to rise in the world, it can’t entirely be a bad thing. Hopefully, in keeping with their history, it’ll produce some great art. “Après ski, le déluge” indeed.
I’m a French fan myself, though not when it comes to the charmless third-generation ski factory resorts they’ve built at 2,500-3,000 meters. Lots of skiable kilometers, yes; but no connection to an authentic communal setting, and thus little in the way of Gemuetlichkeit.
You know, it’s funny/sad, but raising gas above four bucks per gallon did actually cripple the auto industry hard enough the major players basically bankrupted, and many stopped producing at least some of the SUVs contributing to the problem. There are still plenty on the road, of course, but it’s like we cut them off at the source.
So really, getting people worried about skiing is genius. Can you imagine how much ski tickets will be? And poles! Not Poles, but poles (is there good skiing in Poland? I’ve never been).
Then again, “I’m dreaming of a green Christmas,” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, unfortunately.
There is really no good skiing in Poland. And, in 15 years or less, there will be no skiing whatsoever in Poland, I guess.
And here all this time I thought Copenhagen snuff was making a comeback.
I was going to use that line. Thanks for doing it!
How to avoid global warming . good work.