NONFICTION SELF-INTERVIEWS
Chris Illuminati: The TNB Self-InterviewLAWRENCEVILLE, NJ 05 March 2010 |
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Let’s get this out of the way; is Illuminati your real last name?
It’s my real last name. It wasn’t changed or altered for writing purposes. It came over from Italy with my grandfather along with a case of smallpox.
Did the world really need to learn how to be an asshole?
It was a slow trend towards asshole behavior, so my co-authors and I figured, why not put something down in print? It’s a guidebook or a roadmap to the rules of being an asshole.
How did you get involved in the Assholeology project?
Stroke of luck. I happened to be panhandling outside of the publisher. I’m kidding, I don’t own a pan. They needed a third writer and found my freelance work online and asked if I wanted to write a book.
Describe yourself in one word.
Scrumtrulescent.
You don’t seem like an asshole.
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. That’s a quote from Kevin Spacey in that movie. Don’t recall the name of it. He ended up being the bad guy.
Ashamed of anything you’ve written?
I’m not ashamed of anything, but there are a few things I’ve said that I regret on a personal level. The real life stuff is always funny. That stuff involves real people. You can change names, but people aren’t stupid. They can deduce. K-PAX! That was the movie. That was killing me.
Did you always want to be a writer?
I wanted to be a stand-up comedian as a kid. Then I wanted to be Johnny Carson.
What’s the most difficult part about being a writer?
Honestly, finding a lit agent. I still don’t have one and I don’t believe they exist. They are like Sasquatch or the real Katie Holmes.
You’re expecting your first child any second. Will it change you as a writer?
I will probably have a whole new set of crayons to write with as a result. This box has seen better days. I’m almost down to the bottom of the Burnt Siena. I think I’ll be a little more cautious of the information I divulge about the kid. He didn’t ask to be a central character in my sick world.
Do you have any writing influences?
I picked up Bad Haircut by Tom Perrotta accidentally in my senior year of college. It got me to finally start writing everything down. The book Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs made it acceptable in my mind to write about my family. The Tender Bar by J.R. Moehringer is the book that made me want to be a writer. Also if any male writer between the ages of 25-40 doesn’t attribute some of his writing style to ESPN’s “The Sports Guy” Bill Simmons, then he is either not a sports fan or a fucking liar.
You are now permitted to hype upcoming projects. Begin…
Well, besides pushing the hell out of Assholeology, I’m peddling around a book about pregnancy from the male perspective (you just read a little of it) and I’m also writing some fiction. It’s a love story. It involves a ton of spandex. I’ve already said too much.
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The Usual Suspects. Not K-Pax.
Good interview, Chris.
Thanks Slade. Never realized it was so hard to interview myself.
I doubt I could interview myself. We would bore each other. I wanted to be Carson as well btw.
I was considering asking myself an inappropriate and storming out of the self-interview but sadly there was no question that could shock me. I even called my own mother names.
Great self-interview, Chris.
Now saying something really asshole-y to me. I’m asking for it.
You, sir, give terrible comment. I’ve been told. Asshole-y enough?
Meh.
I would have gone after my dainty hands.
Well I couldn’t show my hand early. No pun intended.
Even when talking to yourself you are hilarious. Awesome interview! Congrats on the baby dude. I think it will be awesome for him to read about himself from your point of view. Assuming of course, he is as self centered and egotistical as someone who can actually interview himself. It’s all in the genes homie.
Thanks Awesomesauce!
Has the baby already arrived, Chris? And will you be sticking around TNB? I hope so. I have the distinct feeling that you fit in perfectly.
Nope, he is taking his sweet ass time. The due date is the 20th but I’ve got a feeling he is not going to show up until the last possible second.
Thanks for the kind words. If TNB asks me back I’d be happy to make it a regular thing.
You’re already a contributor. Any time you want to return and post something, do so, as I hope you will after your son arrives. We’ll want an update.
Hey Chris – I’m sort of confused because I wrote a comment a few days ago and am just now checking back to find it never showed up. (Aaack! The horror!) Anyway, welcome to TNB. We’re stoked to have you. Duke’s right – you are welcome to make this a regular thing. Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll send you posting instructions.
I like the “slow trend to asshole behavior” line. Funny. Also, cool book. Thanks for sending it (Elise) so I could check it out.
Erika,
Thanks so much. I’d love to contribute any time TNB will have me.
Oops – make that “slow trend towards asshole behavior”.
Chris,
I’m still laughing about when your name was written as “Christ Illuminati!”
I hope you join us here. We’re a lot of fun. You’ll enjoy being one of us.
I’m thinking of naming the first born Jesus. Or Waffles. It’s a toss up.
( Uh, do you always talk to yourself?)
Chris,
I’m sending you a picture. I don’t know if you can post a photo in the comments section, but I know I can’t. I think you’ll like it.
HAH … excellent interview. Love your quick quips. I’d really like to see a good long diatribe from you … I bet that would keep people rolling from here until doomsd … erm … 2012.
You crack me up more than I crack myself up … and that’s saying something because I’m a loon!