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Dear Dust

Where have you been all this time? I really missed you!

Dan C

 

Dear Dan C

Nowhere. I trust, given the circumstances, that you will not be too offended when I confess that I did not particularly miss you.

Dear Dust

What happened to the last couple of week’s column?

Amy

 

Dear Amy

Nothing.

Assistant’s Note: Hi! I’m Fabian, Mr. Dust’s personal assistant. As some of you may know, Mr. Dust performed his first public reading in San Diego last week at the vaunted TNB-SD “Stay Classy Edition” event. I’ve heard over and over that it was a total blast! Of course, I wouldn’t actually know, since I wasn’t allowed to come. Invited, yes. Allowed, no. The word through back channels is that Helmsman Listi himself really wanted me there. Nevertheless, I was forced to stay down in the bunker and coordinate. I guess you can’t always get what you want, even if you try sometime and you may find that you get what you need. Can you? At any rate, if you were at the event and “heard” rumors that I refuse to fly anything but first class, well that’s just not true.

The bottom line is that ever since the event, the Castle Dust mailroom has been DELUGED with letters. Let’s get to them, shall we? Yes, we shall!

(Also, Mr. Dust made me promise not to post these pics. Did anyway! Ha. Next time, maybe I’ll get an extra legroom seat in business class.)

Dear Dust

If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

A. Tights

Dear Dust

Huh. Sounds like you read a lot. You’re not one of those people who reads all the time and then acts all superior and says stuff like “I don’t even have a TV” are you? I hope not. Because I hate people like that. And I like you.

Anne R.

Dear Dust

Wow, Dust. You really let out some shaft in the comments section of ATD #33, didn’t you? Well, I have to say, it was a long time coming. A very long time. Speaking truth to power is one thing. Speaking truth to self-satisfaction is another. And I’m sure I’m not the only one who thought so. Just wanted to say kudos, my friend.

Anonymous, But Hardly Alone

Fabian’s Note — Yes, it’s true! Mr. Dust will be giving a dramatic reading live and in person at TNB-San Diego, August 25, 2011. See all the details here. Can you believe it? No? Well, me neither. I am so damn excited! Oops, sorry for swearing, but I can’t help it! Fuck! This is going to be so fab! If you’re not down there, sister, waiting in line for an autograph, you crazy.

Dear Dust

I’ve recently been diagnosed with a few different personality disorders. So, guess I’m legit crazy. They got me on three different drugs. Thing is, I know I’m weird, but pretty much always just went with that whole haircut/arty/creative vibe and it felt about right. Now that I’m thirty, though, my husband is like “no more Iggy Pop bootlegs and midnight canvas stretching, you need to see someone.” This therapist had me figured out in two sessions, had me on the pills the third. The pills make me feel mushy and boring. Worse, for sure. My question is, if I don’t feel crazy, just different, but people are telling me I’m crazy, should I believe them? I mean, if I really am crazy, wouldn’t I not buy it? And so the fact that I’ve bought in, at least this far, does that mean I’m actually sane?

Shit, Dust, should I take these drugs or not? I’m leaning toward a cold turkey Fuck You attitude these days, but I need some counsel that’s not going to shove more Zoloft in my mouth the second I open it.

Thanks a million. I mean a milligram!

Anya

Dear Dust

Can you let Fabian do more columns? He was awesome.

Lisa Zee

 

Dear Lisa

Yes.

Fabian’s Note — Technical Difficulties Update: due to the fact that this column was inaccessible for most of the last 168 hours, and a deluge of mail was received at Castle Dust remarking on that fact, Mr. Dust has decided to pull the previous column early and repeat it in this week’s slot. That way, the majority of regular readers who were denied their weekly Dust fix can now enjoy the original column unmolested by spinning bufferers and Latvian Viagra ads. Also, since Mr. Dust was shut out of the mainframe, he was unable to write anything new, so there wasn’t much choice. Also, we’re all drunk.

However: if you were one of the few who read this before, read it again! It has additional bonus material, PLUS a hidden treat! There will be prizes!

 

Assistant’s Note: Hi! I’m Fabian, Mr. Dust’s personal assistant. Mr. Dust has asked me to let you know that he is out of the country on business this week, and instead of sending a haphazardly written telex from Bangkok, wants me to fill in for him instead! It’s a great opportunity and a real extension of trust, and I so totally promise to do my best and not abuse it. Or you! And by “abuse’” I don’t mean “fondle,” and by “it” I don’t mean…oh, never mind. Can you tell I’m very excited! Well I am! So, let’s go!

 

Dear Dust

My uncle, who I was more or less raised by, kept a little flip pad in his top pocket and wrote down sayings that he thought a man should live by. He used to read them to me, licking his thumb before leafing through the pages to find just the right one for any given situation. One of my great regrets in life is that his pad was lost when he died. I came across your last few columns and it occurs to me you might be a man with a few sayings tucked away somewhere. Care to share any? Maybe I’ll start making my own list for when my son is old enough.

Dust Rocks!

Jeremy

Dear Dust

Well, okay, I know you have a take on Weinergate. The left loses a hero! So lay that bulge on us, Dust! And don’t be shy!

Please?

Leslie

Dear Dust

I’m bored silly. With this site. With my boyfriend. With food. With movies. With the world.

Seriously.

Stacy

Dear Dust

Sarah Palin is officially running for president. Sarah Palin!

That is all.

Connie.