FLASH NONFICTION
Reflections on an Average American ChildhoodLOS ANGELES, CA 11 January 2008 |
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One of my best friends is named Patrick. We grew up together in The Heartland. When we were younger, we used to hang out at shopping malls. Sometimes we brought firecrackers with us. Patrick used to fart on crowded elevators. We’d step inside of a crowded elevator at a shopping mall, and Patrick would fart as loud as he could, without warning. And then he would stand there, deadpan, while the elevator made its silent ascent. Patrick could maintain his composure. He could stand there, deadpan, pretending like nothing had happened.
I couldn’t.
Patrick used to keep all of his toenail clippings in a plastic jar. That was another thing he did. He had a plastic jar when we were in junior high, and every time he clipped his toenails, he would put the clippings in the jar. He claimed the clippings were good luck. Whenever he played poker with his extended family, he would keep the jar of clippings on the table, claiming that they brought him good cards.
Then one day he set the jar of toenail clippings on top of a lightbulb. His mother had company coming over and the jar of clippings was sitting out in plain view.
“Put the toenails away,” she said.
And so Patrick picked up the jar and walked over to a lamp in the living room and somehow hid the jar inside the lampshade, right on top of the lightbulb. The lamp was not on at the time. Patrick then left the room.
Later, as people started arriving, the lamp was turned on. The bulb turned piping hot. An hour or so went by. The lightbulb melted the plastic jar and incinerated the toenail clippings. The entire house smelled foul beyond words. People felt nauseous. Nobody knew what it was. Then they looked in the living room and saw smoke rising from the lampshade.
Moments later, Patrick was harshly reprimanded. He was often reprimanded as a youngster. His parents grounded him regularly, for any number of infractions. Sometimes when he got grounded, he would open his bedroom window and toss stuffed animals out onto the front lawn. Then he would take his fishing pole and cast it out into the lawn, trying to hook the stuffed animals and reel them in to his window. I would ride by on my bicycle and Patrick would be fishing.
“Hey,” I’d say.
“Hey,” he’d say.
“What happened?” I’d say.
“Grounded,” he’d say.
In high school, Patrick would sometimes huff chemical inhalants, just to see what they would do. The telephone would ring and I’d answer it and Patrick would be on the other end of the line.
“I’m huffing the gas from a can of Alberto mousse,” he’d say.
Alberto mousse was a popular hair product sold at drugstores during the 1980s.
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Wow.
Patrick sounds like one of these people you will never forget.
Fishing from the window is pretty clever.
I used to get grounded from reading…isn’t that crazy?
Only because my parents knew that sending me to my room was no big deal because I’d be in there reading anyway.
It REALLY sucked that time they took my typewriter away.
GAH!
BL:
Nice, left me wanting more.
Also, I knew someone from the Midwest who liked keeping his toenails. Is that a Midwestern thing, or what?
RK
As I have said before, this is one of my favorite stories…I do dramatic readings at my house of this particular story!
Brad - happy new year to the king of the gut-churning image.
The jar of toenails beats the previous winner: man-boobs picture.
I didn’t think it could be done.
“Put the toenails away.” Heh. I bet that’s something she never thought she’d have to say.
Jennifer: You had a typewriter as a child?
RK: It may indeed be a Midwestern thing. Boredom levels are so intense in a place like Indiana, you have to find ways to entertain yourself. It’s a slippery slope.
Christine: The toenail clippings do lend themselves well to live theater.
Emma: I didn’t even realize that this is an apparent trend. I fear I may just be innately disgusting.
Dawn: Patrick is an odd dude. His mother had her hands full.
Every person that writes needs a Patrick in their life.
Me too, wanting more. Always interesting to hear what happened to the Patricks because rarely does it level out.
Jail, genius inventor, chemical addiction, stand up comic.
All the above.
This is truly amazing. I recently needed a box of toenail clippings and was at a loss as to where one would come across such a thing. I think I need Patrick’s phone number just in case I’m in need of bulk toenail clippings in the future.
I shoulda known to ask you BL. You always have the strangest hook ups.
XO
He sounds absolutely hilarious!
yes, it’s a midwestern thing. i also had a friend who kept his toenails. he used a miracle whip glass jar though.
what’s up with kids from the heartland huffing chemicals anyway? it’s like booze to the irish!
Heck, keeping toenail clippings in a plastic jar isn’t so bad. I used to have an old roommate in SF that used to keep his toupee in the bathroom sink. Got to be a real pain in the ass taking it out and then replacing it every time I wanted to brush my teeth.
ahahahaha i had a boyfriend who did that he always wanted to show me and then i decided to be his friend because it was really gross that only lasted a month.
the last sentance is really vonnegutish.
lve from vermont