FLASH NONFICTION
Just in Case You Ever Decide to Buy a Full-Grown Male Llama That Has Not Yet Been CastratedLOS ANGELES, CA 24 January 2008 |
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On November 13th, 2005, in Somerset County, Pennsylvania, an electronics technician named Dale Airsman was attacked by his four-year-old llama named Charlie.
The first indication of potential danger came early that morning, when Mr. Airsman walked out onto his property and heard Charlie let out an unusual growl, which then evolved into a high-pitched squeal.
Charlie then spit, flattened his ears back, and bared his choppers, which included three sets of razor-sharp “fighting teeth,” which llamas use to rip the scrotum from male competitors in the wild.
Standing six feet tall and weighing between 400 and 500 pounds, Charlie knocked Mr. Airsman to the ground, pinning him with his knees and cracking his sternum. He bit into Airsman’s biceps, tearing the flesh right down to the bone.
Fortunately, Charlie did not go after Mr. Airsman’s scrotum.
The resulting trauma caused Airsman to black out entirely. He later woke up “on the other side of the fence,” somehow having escaped the animal’s death grip, an occurrence which he attributed to some kind of “divine miracle.”
According to Airsman’s wife, Lynora, Charlie’s ferocious outburst can be attributed to his previous owner.
“When they’re real young, they’re so cute, so soft and fuzzy, with those big eyes and long eyelashes, it’s almost impossible not to cuddle them,” she said. “[The previous owner] didn’t treat him like a barn animal. Llamas need to bond to other llamas in the herd, not to other humans.”
Charlie, she claims, was socially maladjusted and made no distinction between humans and llamas, which explains why he mistook Mr. Airsman for a competing male llama.
Cheryl Ryberg, the head of the Alpaca Llama Show Association, concurs.
“It’s a recipe for disaster if you’re too sweet with them,” she said. “If you’re too huggy-kissy with them, a male who has not been castrated can turn on you.”
In the aftermath of the attack, Charlie was euthanized. His head has been sent to a laboratory for testing, in hopes that veterinary scientists can discern exactly what caused this deeply terrifying episode of “berserk male syndrome.”
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“berserk male syndrome”. yessss.
as if i wasn’t already terrified of petting zoos. i’m gonna go back to watching amy winehouse smoke crack now. (which also terrifies me. amy winehouse, not the crack-smoking, oddly.)
thanks for making me smile, in kind of an uncomfortable way.
I knew it! MALE BERSERK SYNDROME! All your male readers will be angry with you for showing women ’round the world the existence in nature of “MALE BERSERK SYNDROME.” I really wonder how the guy got to the other side of the fence…I wonder if he’ll remember one day. I wonder if he was so traumatized that his survival instincts took over and his brain operated without consciousness and he pimp slapped that beast and jumped the fence, collapsing from the adrenaline overloading his system. Hmmm… Personally, I’ve never been a fan of llamas. Yikes.
Hey Brad
It’s a lesson to us all. Don’t get too huggy- kissy with an uncastrated male. I can’t say that my husband will be happy about this but now I have the evidence, I know it’s the kindest way.
How can it be wrong to cuddle something with long eyelashes?
You’ve just shattered my dominant paradigm.
P.S. I need a new paradigm, please. You can mail it to the Sandy address.
That llama picture at the beginning of this post scares the hell out of me. The menace in that creature’s glassy black eyes has pierced my soul.
I don’t know why they had to go and euthanize Charlie.
I, too, often mistake electronics technicians for male llamas.
But I generally don’t go for their biceps.
Or balls for that matter.
Llama heads in the mail!
Oh come on, surely someone is going to say “Tina come get some ham.”
I got kicked by a sweet looking ostrich once, whose eyes went from baby doll la la to evil clown like that….
KRISTEN: Thanks for reading. Glad I could make you smile uncomfortably.
CHRISTINE: I’m betting that the llama grabbed the unconscious Dale Airsman gently by the scrotum and tossed him to safety.
EMMA: Your compassion is boundless, and your courage unparalleled. Time to buy your husband a Real Doll.
DAWN: I believe the proper term is “subverted.” I just subverted your dominant paradigm. Isn’t that what it said on the bumper sticker?
DAN: Step away slowly, and do not bare your teeth.
RICH: You don’t go for the balls? You pussy.
GREG: Priority? Or 2-day?
1159: You got kicked by a sweet-looking ostrich once? Who hasn’t?
Poor Charlie…
Poor Mr. Airsman…
Remind me never to piss off a llama.
Wow! Scary! Who knew? Mr. Airsman is lucky to be alive.