FLASH NONFICTION
The Odd Implications of Wearing a Bigfoot Suit in the WildLOS ANGELES, CA 14 November 2007 |
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Last night, my wife and I were watching a show about Bigfoot on the History Channel. They played the old, grainy stock footage. The classic Bigfoot tape. Super-8 at a distance. Bigfoot in the wilderness, walking into the trees.
“That tape is horseshit,” I said. “It's a guy in a Bigfoot suit.”
“I know,” said my wife.
“It’s obvious."
“I think it would be fun to wear the suit out in the wild," she said.
“You’d get shot."
“I probably would."
“You’d bump into some hunters and that would be the end of you."
“Yeah,” she said.
“A massacre,” I said.
“It would be fun to scare a large family out on an innocent camping trip," she said.
“A Cub Scout troop," I said.
“It would be fun to go running down the highway."
“It would be fun to encounter a bear."
We were silent for a while.
“Do you think that a Bigfoot could beat up a bear?” she said.
“Not a chance,” I said.
“I think a bear would be scared of a Bigfoot."
“I think a bear would maul a Bigfoot. I think that’s the reason why Bigfoots don’t exist anymore. I think the bears ate them all.”
“What if I wore a Bigfoot suit out into the wilderness," she said, "and a bear tried to mate with me?”
“In that case, you’d just have to go with it,” I said. “Resistance would be futile—and possibly even dangerous.”
“Jesus,” said my wife. “Just imagine it.”
“No thanks."
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen footage of bears mating in the wild."
“Neither have I," I said.
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I’ve contemplated doing the suit thing but I’m not tall enough. I guess I’d just have to be happy being a baby Bigfoot.
Hmmmm, footage of mating bears…
That is a very hard thing to find.
Hey Brad:
Funny, and thought provoking work as always. Hey, you made me actually do a quick little bit of research. Here’s some info about the Bigfoot film:
“…The “Patterson footage” was shot in 1967 by Roger Patterson and Robert Gimlin. During a Bigfoot tracking expedition the two reportedly came across a creature and shot some close up film. This has since been shown on television around the world many times.
Over the years there have been numerous attempts to debunk the Paterson footage, however experts remained divided. Some people have even “confessed” to being involved in the hoax, however Patterson (who died in 1972) always maintained that the film was genuine. 2004 saw yet more allegations about the film including publication of the controversial book The Making of Bigfoot: The Inside Story…”
And here’s a link to the book:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1591021391/wyrdology-crypto-20
Now then, where I stand on Bigfoot and bears and other animals. I think you’ve covered the bear angle pretty well. Other than that I suppose I’d like to see an episode of Meerkat Manor where Bigfoot invades their soap opera-esque world. Mitch, Zaphod, Rocket Dog and the rest would be all up in Big Foot’s shit. And whether or not Bigfoot was real, or just some guy in a big, sweaty suit the fur would be flying.
Woof.
Now that’s some Must-See TV in my book.
I heard Bigfoot was a Thin Lizzy fan and most bears were like, into the Grateful Dead.
Except for Pooh. I think he likes New Edition.
I can’t believe the wikipedia entry doesn’t mention the Vogons.
A Vogon could totally beat up Bigfoot.
ChiaLynn went exactly where I was headed. She is obviously made of Teh Awesome.
As for footage of bears mating: Michael and I are watching the BBC Earth series, and though we’ve seen a lot of preditor/prey action, instances of any mating of mammals have been few.
It’s disappointing, really.
Rrrrowr. A bear on a bigfoot. That’s hot.
I can’t believe I missed this post. I spent Thanksgiving day in the woods looking for Bigfoot. He’s terribly terribly bad with directions. I never did find him.
We’re supposed to meet up next year tho’. I’ll let you what he has to say on the bear thing.
Excellent post BL - I laughed (on the inside.)
xo
Jesus, this is some serious food for thought. (Wait, what does that phrase mean? Now that I’m thinking about it I’m not sure it applies.)
I like the freaky places you and your wife go in conversation. I like and am afraid of them.
Funny!